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Please help... Is this OCD, is it real attraction or something else?

G

gianga23

New member
Joined
Nov 16, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Italy
Hello,



I’m a 24 y old male from Italy. I believe I have a case of HOCD. Please tell me your opinion about it since where I live there aren’t any psychologists specialized in OCD.



I’ll tell you my background and the case that brought the obsession on.

I’ve always been a very anxious boy, about school, about religion and the meaning of life, sometimes I even had some obsessions about harming others. I didn’t go out much when I was little so that probably has/had an impact too.

I’ve also been a very deep and sensitive person.



But I NEVER doubted my sexuality until one day. I’ve always liked girls ever since I was little, declared my love to them, had sex with them, always considered myself a boy.



I was at my ex best friend’s house. It was me, him and a girl, a friend of ours. He put out his penis at one point, he was in erection. I had a vague pleasurable thought about licking/sucking it.

I never had any homosexual fantasy before, so it scared the crap outta me, I ran away literally and figuratively.



I stopped all my contacts with him and believe me, he was my brother. We were 18 then.

I also became really really scared about male people for some time. Like... “do I like him?” “Omg I’m looking at him”... so forth.

I’ve also had a girlfriend and had sex with her too during these years, but always with the fear of being gay in the back of my mind. Sometimes anxiety was so strong I couldn’t even get an erection.



Now luckily, most of my fears have disappeared. By this I mean I can stay with my brother, my father, my friends without thinking about them sexually or romantically.

I’ve also regained, although partially, my libido for girls. Though I’m too scared to date one now.



The only thing is I’m scared out of my mind about my ex friend. I can’t put him out of my mind and I’ve developed an anxiety disorder because of him.

By this I mean it’s like my mind tells me “ no you love him, you like him, you can’t live happy without him, so forth...” and I’m very anxious about life because I feel like maybe I’m being a fake person. So it’s difficult to be happy with constant fear.



I feel that if I force myself to decide if I like him or not, my brain still isn’t convinced.



We were tighter than tight, maybe too tight. I made all my important first adolescent experiences with him. We played songs together, we talked about girls together, about life and I have to admit I idealized him quite a bit. I felt like he was “superior” to me in a way, knew more people, knew more about life and so forth. So maybe this old inferiority complex and the cherished memories play tricks on me.



What can I do? Is this OCD?

Should I accept my anxiety, go forward with my life and don’t argue with the thoughts about that episode or him?

At that time I didn’t know... but sexual fantasies of all kind seem common when you’re young and a “male” semi-crush too wouldn’t mean you’re gay.



I mean... I don’t feel anything for any other male, so I’m inclined to think this is an obsession, but my brain is stuck on him for 6 years.



Please help me, everything I want now in life is to live anxiety free, even watching a movie without this panicky feeling would be a bless.
 
calypso

calypso

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When you are 18 a rubber duck would be sexually alluring! Its just that at that age sex is ever present in your thoughts. I wouldn't have thought that one experience means you are gay. In some cultures sexual feelings for the same sex are considered normal until a person wants to "settle down" with a person. Some stay with same sex impulses and some don't.

No-one can diagnose you on a forum. That said, I think you are afraid for no reason. I think there is nothing wrong in being gay mind and I am surprised that you find it so wrong.

From what you wrote, I would say stop worrying and get on with your life if that is possible.
 
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