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Please help in anyway. I'm tired of this. I mentally hurt and refuse happiness.

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louieb

Member
Joined
Dec 30, 2014
Messages
6
Location
Diagonal Iowa
Please help in anyway. I'm tired of this. I mentally hurt and refuse happiness.

Ok, so I have a verrrryyyyyy long story. First off, I'd just like to say I'm glad a place like this exists because I wasn't aware that it did or I would have turned here years ago for help.

Issue #1:
My story starts off like this. I never knew who my father was growing up. I come from a single parent home and when I was 9 years old my mother married a guy and he and her tried to convince me he was my father. She lied to me about that. They divorced when I was 14 and she told me the truth about him not really being my father. Still didn't tell me who my father was. My entire life I noticed anytime my family brought it up or she brought it up, shortly there after she'd bring up she was raped. At 15 I was convinced she kept doing it because I was the offspring of the rape. She had told me before she was going to abort me but she was too far along. My mother is a kind person and didn't tell me all this stuff out of being hurtful. Just casual conversations that came up.
When I was 16 a guy that had been a neighbor, who my mother hated with a passion, told me he was my father. When I was born we lived in Council Bluffs, Iowa (about an hour and a half away from where I lived when he told me). So I figured my mother was probably dating this guy and she was pulling the same bs on me like she did before and never really believed him about it. I told her I didn't believe him and she was furious that he said it to me and she swore he wasn't and that he was a pile of crap basically. lol. So I continued to believe my mother. The guy stayed in touch and was even friends with my mother for the next few years. The guy passed away when I was 18. At his funeral he had my name as his son. I didn't know how to react to it. His family kept shaking my hand and offering to "spend more time with me" and I didn't know a single one of them. Plus, if my mothers stories were true, I don't think I wanted anything to do with that family.
He had a daughter named H and I was good friends with her growing up. She was a little older than me but always treated me well. When her dad told me he was my father, she said she always looked after me and treated me like the brother she knew I was. Again, really weird thing to hear for a 16 year old fatherless kid. lol So after his funeral, I never really spoke to Heather or that guys family again.
Fast forward to about 2 years ago. I'm 31 at the time (now I'm 33) and I go to a pawn shop to look around and there's Heather. She treats me like crap and even looks down on me. It's not an obvious treatment, like namecalling or anything but just the way she avoided me and gave me death stares. lol. I chalk it up as her being pissed I never went out of my way to spend time with her family and I move on.
I work in a hospital now and about 2 months ago H's daughter came into the ER (nothing serious) and I do the registration part and she referred to me as her "uncle" and then friended me on facebook. I have no clue how she knew me or of me but whatever. lol. My mother had a heart attack last year and had to have stints put in. She had another one right after I met Heathers daughter and she told me to come over because she wanted to talk to me about something before she dies. I go over and she tells me Roger (the guy that told me he was my father), was indeed my father. I laugh it off and tell her I don't care and that he's gone anyway so it doesn't matter. She tells me that I needed to know and she needed to tell me. She told me she didn't tell me because she thought I'd choose him over her and she didn't want to lose me. I again, laugh it off and tell her not to worry about it. The "conversation" lasted about 3 minutes. She was wanting to drag it out and make it into a touching moment or some crap but there was no way I was going to let her have a "I'm not a bad guy, I just do bad things" speech. I was hurt, pissed, horrified, and saddened all at the same time. I didn't want to hurt my mother but there was no way I wanted to listen to her BS about "why" she didn't tell me.
So I went to work after leaving there and my night was shot. lol
I contacted Heather via facebook and told her everything and how sorry I was and her response was:
"Baby boy,
I love you! You are now and always have been my brother. Our parents are our parents, and we love them, even with all their faults. I don't expect you to hate your Mom, I don't. I don't expect you to apologize to me or anyone else for believing your family. I regret what we lost growing up. You are not now or ever have you been a disappointment to me. I know we can't change the past, or what we missed on, but I would love the chance to know you and your wife and my three nephews. I'm going to leave off here for now. My cell number is 641-xxx-xxxx I love you and always have. I will not pressure you, or rush you, but I am here when you're ready."
I didn't really respond but seen her daughter in the ER again (again nothing serious) and she came in and I apologized for not responding and that I wanted to hang out sometime. Her letter made me nearly cry like a fricken baby. lol. But I really wanted to hang out so I can get to know her and that family better. So then she emailed this to me about a week after seeing her in the ER:
"Sorry it took me so long to get on here, the last week has been hectic. I would love to get together and have a bite to eat or a drink. I guess we should figure out our schedules and where we want to meet. Message me what will work for you and we'll go from there."
However I haven't written her back. I can't seem to muster up the courage to reply at all. Ever! I've tried and erased it. I've always had mental blocks that stopped me from doing stuff in life but this is one I really don't want. I tend to wonder if it has to do with story #2.


So story #2.
I was 19 years old and started dating a 17 year old who was going to turn 18 in a few months. She had been molested as a child (obviously didn't know any of this until after being in the relationship a few months) and had been in and out of foster homes. She was currently with a foster family who were hardcore into religion, farmers, and just crappy people who kept her at home almost all the time (not crappy for that in fact they were pretty much loved by the community because of their wealth). The foster father was a reserve cop in the town I lived in and the same town she went to school. He didn't like me because he thought I was a druggy (never used and damn proud of it, never sold and in fact never been around them) so he told me to stay away from her. At 19 I wanted a serious relationship and I definitely wanted one with her. I told him I couldn't and he assured me it would be in my best interest.
One night at a basketball game of hers, the foster mother came over and sat next to me out of the blue. She told me to leave and never come back. I asked her why and she responded with things are going to get real bad for you if you don't. I asked why they hated me so much because I consider myself a great guy. I'm polite, caring, giving, and I had a job. She said it was because I was a loser and the girl needed to "experience more guys" so she could pick a better suited man.
I then look over towards the scoreboard (which is across the court)and her husband is in uniform staring at me with pure hatred. So I say screw it and leave.
The girl still comes to my appartment (I lived with my mother at 19.....I know lol) and we still mess around and are still a couple. I explain to her whats going on and she said she'd talk to them.
About 3 days after that, at around 1 am (my mother went to work at 11pm)there was a knock on my door. It's officer S. He says "you're not in trouble but we need to talk. You know that girl you've been seeing? You have to stay away from her for your own good. Don't talk to her again. Got it?" I said "yeah, but I really love her. It's going to be hard." He said he didn't give a sh** and to take care of it. He then left.
Next day, I'm walking across the street to a gas station and another cop (officer Sn sp?) stops me and says pretty much the same thing.
She comes over again and says she talked it out with her parents and they are ok with it. I'm relieved and excited!!!!
That night after my mother leaves for work. 1am again, knock on the door. Officer S again. He says I need to place my hands behind my back and I do and I ask what I'm being arrested for (never been arrested, never any form of run in with the law so I was crapping myself). He says I'm being arrested for being stupid. He walks me down the stares and takes me to the police station. Nobody is around. Weird! No dispatch and no other cops anywhere to be seen. Again, weird. So I get taken to this small office area and S just stands there giving me the evil eye.
A door opens and it's her foster father and he's in uniform. He tells me he warned me and that this was my last chance. I tell him I love her and I want to be with her. He then pulls his gun out, cocks it, and pushes it against my head and my head hits the wall behind me. He tells me if he hears that I see her again he will lose my body in a cornfield and plant drugs on me and make it look like an accident. He berates me, threatens me, and tells me he is going to plant drugs on me or in my appartment for a good 20 minutes while Swope is sitting there laughing at me almost the entire time. S then puts me back in the squad car and drives me home and doesn't take the cuffs off until I'm in my doorway. I go to close my appartment door and his foot stops it. He says "think we are serious now?" I say yes and close the door.
At this time I'm young and still think police can't do that to people (yeah, I know how naive that was to think). So I contact a lawyer the next day from out of town and he basically says there is nothing I can do because he "sees this all the time from the small towns around here and they always turn the cameras off before they do that stuff" and he's sorry he couldn't help me. I then ask for a name of a lawyer that can and he says nobody is going to take a case like that because you have no real evidence. A mark on your head isn't good enough. You need video and witnesses. So basically, I learned they are above the law that night.
That night at 1am again, I here a knock at the door. S.....again. He says G told him to tell me (the foster father) I had 30 days to leave town or he's going to send me away for the rest of my life. I scrambled to find a place for the next two weeks. In those two weeks I didn't step outside once other than to go to work. The police sat about a block from my house every night. When they noticed I seen them, they turned on their flashers and flew in front of my appartment and started coming up the stairs (obviously I thought they were going to arrest me everytime). Then half way up the stairs they would stop and turn around. Go back down the stairs to their car and drive back to the watching spot. I was mentally crushed that I could do nothing. I had no family other than my mother with in an hour and a half and I lived with her. I told one of my coworkers I needed a place and she let me stay in a junk house she had recently bought.

Issue 3:
From that moment forward I've never enjoyed life. That was 14 years ago. This June will be 15 years. I haven't honestly smiled that entire time. I'm overly nice and giving. Even to the point where people take advantage of me and I do nothing. I've had 3 kids born in that time and I love them but I can't say I've ever really enjoyed doing anything with them. It sucks to say that...it hurts to say that. I love them all but I just don't enjoy anything at all. My wife has cheated on me about 6 times in the 14 years I've been with her (yes I met her the first week I moved. I think it was to prove to the police I was moving on but then stayed with her) but mentally I can't convince myself to leave her. She treats me like garbage most of the time and refuses to work. So I've raised my three boys and taken care of her and me on one income and it's never really worked and she doesn't care.
We were married and I drank for the first time in years and I did enjoy that but I don't usually drink so that's not an option.
I can't committ to any job because I hate people but love helping them (oxymoron?). I worked at a flooring store for 6 years and even became the manager up until the owner closed it for no reason. I showed up and the doors were locked. lol. So I started at the hospital and people there take advantage of me and then talk crap behind my back.
I don't like going to stores, or parks, or even outside. If I do I want to go back in as soon as I can.
I use to really like swimming but in the last 4 or so years I've seemingly stopped enjoying that in any form. I recently stayed at a hotel with my family over christmas and they were all begging me to go swimming with them. I had every intention of going but when I got up to the water, something stopped me. I stood there unable to get it. Not scared but I don't know I felt emotional like crying (haven't cried since I was 14 and my mom divorced her husband) so I went and sat down and my wife bashed me in front of my boys. Calling me names and basically calling me a bad father for not getting in. Which didn't help the cause. I will say my wife has been incredible for me lately though. She's talked to me about my feelings with work and it's helped out quite a bit. I love her. I just don't know what to do about all of this.

I can't do anything and enjoy it. I feel like a robot all the time. I don't enjoy things. I'm cynnical. I hate people but love to help them. I can't watch tv or movies because I find things about them that are stupid. I can't go in public unless it's for my jobs. I hate driving anywhere. I hate everything. I can't function. Recently, I've been blacking out a little when my stress gets up there and my doctor said she thought it was absence seizures, which I knew it wasn't. So I had to go to Des Moines (hour and a half away)to get a EEG done and it was basically negative for seizures. The doctor up there refused to do any tests on me because " it would be pointless". I had to convince him to do at least one. He chose the most useless one. No MRI, no real scan of any sort. Which just goes on the long list of crap people have done to not help me. lol
That's all I notice now. How people screw me over. Yet I do nothing to try to fix it. I don't know how. My wife called to a mental health facility to make an appointment but they said they had an 8 month waiting list. lol. So I'm sort of screwed there to. I have no other place to turn. Please help me. Believe me when I say I haven't even written all my problems. These are just 3 of them. I need help.....bad. Please!!!!
 
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randomguy2015

Member
Joined
Dec 28, 2014
Messages
14
Louie. That is a lot to digest and I don't want to make you wait for a fully coherent reply because that could take some time. I want to get around to it.

All I can say for now is you are stronger than you think. After reading that, your coherence and logical perception are testament to your strength.

You have suffered trauma. Trauma after trauma. Each has its effect.

Louie hang in there. You already have for so long. There is no point in losing hope now after being a survivor for so long. So hang in there.

Cliches are terrible. I think you are tired of battling for so long and are ready to put the proverbial shield and sword down and take a rest? But now is not the time for surrender. Clench the shield and sword tight. Hold onto your strength for a little longer.

Hope exists. Happiness exists, for you, and for me.
 
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louieb

Member
Joined
Dec 30, 2014
Messages
6
Location
Diagonal Iowa
Thank you. I know I posted a ton there. I really didn't mean to either. I've noticed lately when I start speaking, I tend to go into nearlly never ending rants that seem to go different places than I had intended to. In fact, when I first started writing the first story it was just supposed to be about the cops and how they are in the news and everytime I hear a story about bad cops it brings it all up. I see all these "all cops are great" type posts on forums everywhere and even with my facebook friends and I just want to shribble up. Some are great.

Anyway, just about started ranting again. I have issues and more than I posted. Some of them are hurting me and some are torturing me. Not to sound like I want to be felt sorry for (I don't want to be at all and nothing I have been through warrants sorrow) but my life has been a lot worse than average. Nothing in my life has been "normal" and a lot is because my mother didn't know how to love an unwanted child then out of guilt over loved me.

Thank you for your reply though. It means a lot to know people actually looked at this. lol
 
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unit5

Guest
louieb,

I think you have a lot of inner strength since you've gotten this far and you're still a functioning adult. What you've been through would crush most men. Your experience with those idiot cops in itself would have been enough to turn me off Humanity for good! They broke the law and it's a shame they can't be punished for their crimes. Look at it this way, those cops are losers and do you really want to let a bunch of losers in uniform ruin your life? To hell with them! You're better than they are!

When you said that you "hate people but love to help them" that hit a nerve with me because that's exactly how I feel. I feel sad when I see other people suffering and I want to do something to help them yet I realise that I either can't do anything to help them or I try to help them and they take advantage of me. I'll give you the same advice I gave myself: help people when you can but keep your guard up and watch out for the ingrates and the scam artists.

You said that you really used to enjoy swimming and it sounds like you still do. Is there anywhere nearby that you could just go by yourself and get back into swimming on a regular basis? You don't have to go with anyone else, just go by yourself and slowly get back into the habit of swimming. Get back into the joy of swimming.
Swimming won't fix all of the problems in your life (and we all have problems or we wouldn't be here) but doing something that you enjoy would make life seem a bit better. Besides, the exercise wouldn't hurt either!

Stick around this forum if you feel like it, there are a lot of good people here who dispense a lot of good advice - I've found that out for myself.

I wish you the best!
 
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louieb

Member
Joined
Dec 30, 2014
Messages
6
Location
Diagonal Iowa
Thank you Unit 5. There's really no pools around here that are open during the winter. When I said "I really enjoyed swimming" I meant it in more of a casual way. I use to run and jump into the water even if it was freezing. That's why I can't wrap my head around me not being able to mentally muster up the courage to jump into a pool. It's just weird. I don't know how to explain it. I walk up to the pool and stare at it and something in my head just starts screaming "NOOOOO" like it's a life and death situation. lol. I'm not scared at all but it feels more like a........."no real reason to do it because you're not going to accomplish anything" type of a feeling. I guess that's the feeling with everything in my life right now.

You're absolutely correct when it comes to helping others. I've watched people take my last and only $20 and blow it on alcohol, or video games, or movies. Not that the movies or video games are terrible but they knew it was my last $ and they "absolutely had to have it" because they had nothing to eat. They had 3 kids also and I didn't really need the money for anything important so figured they could use it better than I could. Then that night they come home with beer a new video game and rented a movie. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a jerk. They deserve to have a good time to. I don't know.

Point is, I agree with you. lol. At work my coworkers are all women but 1 (I work registration in a hospital) and it seems like 90% of the women attack me after telling me how great I am. I even took it to my bosses (more women) and they told me "it's all in your head". Then I find out the girl that was trying to get me fired a month after I started went to them to try to get me fired. lol. They lied to my face and then told me it was in my head. I was convinced I was making my coworkers out to be worse than what they were. lol. The one trying to get me fired and I had a talk and she admitted everything and even apologized for it. She was the one that told me she spoke to my boss about it. Yet my boss didn't say anything when I brought that specific concern to her. She said (in emails and straight to my face) it was all in my head.
How do you trust people? I've noticed I trust everyone even after they screw me over. I even thought about apologizing to my boss for finding out the truth. lol. How stupid does that sound? I don't know how to handle it. I either blow up or feel like the bad guy. No inbetween. I don't like blowing up so I carry the weight of self hatred for everything.
 
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unit5

Guest
louieb,

Your rant is not a rant and it's about things that are bothering you so it's not off topic either. So, no worries.

What you described in the bit about your reaction to swimming sounds like the typical reaction of someone who is depressed. I am not a doctor but I've suffered from very serious depression most of my life and I get that feeling of "why bother, it's not going to work anyway". Indecision seems to come with depression as well. Have you ever talked to a doctor about the possibility of being depressed? It's nothing to be ashamed of, especially given the stressful times we live in. You might want to consider just sitting down with a doctor and telling him some of the things you've mentioned on here.

As far as loaning people money is concerned, just don't. You do sound a helluva lot like me and that means you have no real control in situations where people are asking you for help and giving you a big sob story. The bottom line is that you have to look after yourself because no one else will. Unfortunately most people are in it for themselves and if they come across someone like you or I they figure they've found a "mark" and they get their sob stories ready. The reality is that we can't change the world. We can help someone by buying them a sandwich (somewhere on this forum there's a thread I started about that) but buying someone a sandwich won't change the big picture. Help people, but put your foot down if they start pushing you for more. Tell them times are tough and you're hard up for cash yourself, tell them your pet hamster needs a heart operation, tell them whatever the hell you need to tell them in order to get rid of them. A good person will accept whatever help you offer and not push you for more.

I don't want to give you any real advice re your work situation since I don't know the details, the background, etc. If it were me in that situation I would just drop the whole thing - no apology, no explanation unless my boss asked for it, just drop it. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do. Let the whole episode die a natural death and people will move on.

What you said about either blowing up or feeling like the bad guy is exactly how I feel! I have a very bad temper and I'm a big guy and when I lose my temper I have no control at all and that really scares me. I think I tend to let people use me as a doormat rather than blowing up. Like you said: no in between. I have no advice for you on that, I'm sorry, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

Well, that was a bit long but I hope there's something in all these words to help you. :peace:
 
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