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Please Help ! I need to know what is wrong with me...

R

raverlu

New member
Joined
Feb 24, 2010
Messages
2
Location
Scotland
Ok, how do I start this...where do I start ? I really don't know, but I've felt this way ever since I turned a teenager (started feeling like this at around 13 yrs old & it's never really gone away completely. It keeps coming and going). & this is the first PROPER time I've ever mentioned it to anyone (well, theres been a few things I've mentioned about it but not the WHOLE story altogether)

It all started when I was around about 13years old. I began feeling inadequate to most of my peers. I've always felt uglier, stupider, weirder, less fortunate etc etc. I hated my nose, the shape of it really bugs me (I broke it when falling off a swing when I was a toddler you see & it never got fixed), but it wasn't just that. I don't know exactly where these feelings came from, they just seemed to develop gradually over some time. I'd go from extreme mood/ego swings from feeling brilliant about my strengths to feeling low about my weaknesses...sometimes even suicidally low & I would tend to shy away from people, thinking they all thought very little about me, underestimating me all the time.

When I was around 15-16 I began cutting myself everytime I felt really low. Then there was the drugs; Cannabis, Ecstasy, Amphetamine, Cocaine (mainly all the Stimulants). I enjoyed the great socially uplifting effects from them (ie: Ecstasy) & when I take them I find myself really chatty & outgoing & happy...but without them I tend to suffer from anxiety in social situations, worrying about what people think of me when I'm sober etc etc. There are phases when I'll take ALOT (& I mean ALOT of Drugs) in one night, just to be so completely mangled that I don't care what people think of me & I can make people laugh and be happy. But then all the self-worthlessness feelings are always amplified when coming down & I find myself very paranoid and sometimes hostile towards people who I think are trying to put me down.

Then theres my self image. I take ALOT of pictures of myself, on places like Myspace or Bebo & stuff...some people think I'm very vain...but it's not that. I don't think I'm better than everyone else, infact it's actually the exact opposite. I take pictures & when I like the pictures I post them to try and convince myself to accept who I am & be happy. It's like I'm trying to reassure myself I'm not ugly. Because things are very confusing in that area for me. Some people say I'm completely stunning/beautiful but I've also been called ugly. I really don't understand it & thats also why I tend to take alot of pics of myself. To make sure I'm ok looking (yes, I realise this sounds completely self-centred & I don't blame you if you think this way, but this really is a HUGE issue for me). I seem to be hyper-sensitive to people's critisism or hurtfulness & I deal with it by taking pictures that I like of myself & posting them to make me feel better.

I'm also useless in Relationships. I hate being alone, I always feel the need to be in a relationship (& since having my 1st proper boyfriend when I was 15, I've hardly been out a relationship). I've had alot of boyfriends, not something I'm completely proud of. But not one of them has ever lasted over a year. Most guys find me too crazy after a while because of my crazy party/drug habits & hyperactive behaviour. But I only act that way & take those things to avoid rejection.

I HATE rejection ! It just seems to fuel the self-hatred & worthfulness I feel about myself. Even now, if I face some kind of rejection these days (ie; Breaking-up with a boyfriend or getting turned down for something), I sometimes revert back to cutting myself and/or necking a whole lot of drugs to make me feel better (even though I'm now 20 years old & shouldn't be acting this way anymore).

Even though I used to be very quiet in high-school, I'm REALLY extravagant & outgoing now. I usually make light hearted jokes about how crazy & fucked up I am (to make people laugh), but inside - that is actually how I feel about my life & it's confusing me as to why I am this way.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me & knew how to fix it, cus it goes from being all HAPPY, HAPPY HAPPY (& I truley do feel happy at the time) to FUCKED-UP, FUCKED-UP, FUCKED-UP !!! I'm so sick of this.

I remember going to the doctors about these feelings just after breaking up with my long-term boyfriend (this was around May 2009, last year). I remember describing my feelings & they were going to book me an appointment for a psychological assessment, but because of what 'that' was, it scared me into leaving when their backs were turned & walking right out the door, cus I don't want to be locked up. I'm not clinically insane or anything !

***Now this is kind of off subject, but I still want to get it off my chest***...

I've been to psychologists before because of one thing & I'm going to mention it becuase this is an anonymous site. I was raped when I was 17 whilst walking home from a party one morning. I cut though a secluded forest-type path when absolutely out of my face on drugs. I was by myself & decided to sit down for a couple of minutes because I felt really dizzy. Anyways, as I was sitting there this guy comes walking along drinking a bottle of cider. He saw me & sat down beside me (I'm guessing he was wrecked & walking home aswell, from a different party obviously).

He offers me a drink of his cider & I said no thanks. I thought he would've just left it at that & continue on his way but he didn't. He then started asking me questions, like if I was seeing someone etc etc. I wasn't at the time, so he took his chances. He leaned into kiss me & by now I was starting to feel rather uncomfortable, but I let him kiss me because I didn't want to anger the situation & hoped he'd leave me alone after that. But he didn't.

He began trying to pull at my jeans & unbutton them, even though I was trying to grip them to me & put them back on. But as I did this he just threw them across the path away from me. Then he had me on the ground & was ontop of me, forcing his way in. I started crying, saying I needed to get back home but he wouldn't let me up. I remember him ordering to me in a very forceful voice to scream that I liked it. To scream that it was the best I'd ever had ! I did as I was told whilst crying to get away.

Every now and again I'd try to go and get my jeans back & go home, but he kept pushing me back onto my back. It was sore & I remember shards of broken glass scratching at my back. Then someone else started walking up this path with a dog, he got off me & told me to pretend that I was with him. But I used this excuse to grab my jeans throw them back on & run for my life. I ran for ages until I was at a main road.

I did go to the police about it because I confided in a close friend about it, but the police didn't do anything about it because of the substances I was on & for the fact that I let him kiss me. Telling me it wasn't against my will. But I swear to god it was against my will ! I was just scared to anger him & the whole thing deeply disturbed me. But, nothing was done. So I've basically just buried that memory deep down never mentioning it again, until now. Not even my parents know.

***Back to Subject again***...

I don't know if this has anything to do with my self-hating & other issues. I was already like this before 'That Incident' happened, but it definetely HASN'T helped it any.

Now, I know this story is a bit all over the place & about alot of different things. But I swear to you 100% that this is all the Truth !!!! I'm just not good at writing down things in the right order/way of how they happened. I just need to get them all out though before I go crazy & flip for good. Because I really feel close to breaking point these days.

I'm so sorry about the length of this, it just needs to all be said & I really want to know what is wrong with me. As I'm now scared of going back to the doctors because of the last time (which I mentioned to you earlier).
 
K

Katie84

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 11, 2009
Messages
68
Location
Sheffield
Your story sounds a lot like mine and touched me.

I was raped when i was 16 and never told my family too, i took drugs to self medicate that feeling i had, i experience highs and lows but that is due to my bipolar, which you might have some of the symptoms of (only a pdoc can confirm this though) you have done well to write it all down, that is the only way i can really talk about it without crying.

I found the only way i could express my feelings to my doctor to get help was to write it all down, how i felt when i was high and low and he referred me to the hospital for an emergency appt which was a week later and i have been under there care since August last year.

I would try again and see your dr with everything wrote down, this might help, i will you all the luck :)

And pm me if you ever need a chat xx
 
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