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Please help I don't want to live like this anymore

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Frexddy

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Dec 16, 2016
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I'm writing this because I don't know what to make of it and the doctors and help available to me is very limited. I've just been going off track, downhill, spiraling out of control if you will, going on for th past 6 years or so. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 16. I've been on just about every single ssri you can think of. All in which were placebo effect at best.

As a kid and teens I was a moderately happy person (at least in comparison of now) I had a good amount of friends growing up even though I was always on the shy side. Along with my depression I believe I have Borderline personality disorder or rapid cycling bipolar disorder. The impulsiveness of the illness has lead me down an array of misfortunes from alcoholism in my early teens, to explosive breakups, fights, etc.

Which brings me to my next point I treat the symptoms of both these disorders with smoking marijuana. For the first few years it was wonderful no matter how bad of a mood I was in I could smoke weed and instantly feel better. It made me funny, social, happy. I truly thought I had found a solution. Though things slowly took a turn. They say a marijuana addiction is a joke and maybe it is. Maybe I am a joke as well, because I've never been addicted to anything before but I can't stop smoking weed still to this day after an incident of getting caught by the cops and I spent nearly a month in jail. Weed started effecting me differently. What use to be euphoria and the ability to laugh at anything was replaced with fear and the thoughts of death. When it used to make me social now it makes me anxious and awkward when it used to motivate me to do things it now adds another layer of mental impairment of motivation. After awhile some of these negatives aren't quite as bad as they used to be.

But fast forward to Dec 2016. I still can't quit despite trying numerous times because every time I go nearly 1 day without smoking everything is replaced with utter dysphoria both physically and mentally. I'm angry, headaches, tension, insomnia, lack of appetite. I also feel some of my impulsiveness coming back as the marijuana makes me docile. Between the addiction and mental illnesses I find myself unable to get out of bed most days I just lay here zoned out into video games or movies. Knowing that I will continue to live in poverty if I don't do something. I've been telling myself to go get another job for weeks now yet still haven't. In my head I know all the things I need to do. Yet my body just doesn't respond I can mentally yell at myself and still with little response if any. My social skills have diminished entirely I have full blown social anxiety now to the point where I haven't grew close to anyone in years and the only nights intimacy rather it be physical or mentally were nights of binge drinking and other drugs.

I find myself completely fucked. I can start to feel it's physical toll on me, I've gained so much weight. I'm only 23 and I don't even think I can make it to 25 like this. I have no money, no car, staying in a room that my friend is paying for. I'm not stupid and I know I can be better than this. But despite how badly I want to I just keep regressing. What do I do?
 
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calypso

calypso

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Ihope you don't mind, but I added paragraphs to make it more readable.

I think you need some professional help with this. Its called self medicating and is well known. Your GP might be able to point you in the right direction if you are honest with them. A referral to addiction services might help you a lot and help with the underlying depression too. As you have found, medication isn't usually the answer alone. I have NO time for SSRIs, I think they are a joke. There is help out there its just about accessing it. You have to keep pushing for it though, I had to see 6 different GPs to finally be heard that I was really ill, so be prepared to fight hard.

You shouldn't be suffering this much so go and seek help that way and look online for any groups in your locality. There might well be some.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Nov 23, 2015
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Hi,

its kind of hard to tell but my doctor and therapists have all recommended me to stay on low does of weed because it stabilizes me.

always has done.

You mention other drugs and alcoholism too though so its hard to just Blame Your Ills On Weed, although people tend to do this, I don't know why. Theres increasing evidence that MJ (properly prescribed) actually helps Mental Health.

It has been the case for me and I encountered all the problems you describe, trying to quit, in fact it sends me immediately into mania.

I don't even smoke that much so the doctors have decided its kept me stable for years and to give up giving up.

Its about to become medically available here too. I will be one of the first prescribed.

Any addiction is hard to overcome alone, and if its so much a part of your lifestyle its taken over you will probably need help to overcome it.

If you actually need to overcome it at all, maybe you just need a proper clean medical supply.

Best
BDU
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Jun 13, 2015
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Marijuana use to be okay when I was alone in my room but when I went out with people it turned into paranoia and panic. You say that it is not so good anymore for you but that you can't stop it. Perhaps you need to quit it in small increments very slowly.

Remember, help will not come knocking on your door. You have to go out and get the help.
 
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