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Please help! HOCD and ROCD sufferer

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Evgenija

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Jan 1, 2015
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I have been dealing with hocd for the past 3 months and it has developed into ROCD and now I have both and I feel so hopeless, desperate, depressed and even at times suicidal. My ocd is driving me insane and I have read self help books that did help relatively and I have told my bf about this problem and he is very helpful and understanding but I still don't know how to deal with these intrusive thoughts. At first I thought I was actually turning gay which caused me severe anxiety and I couldn't fathom the thought of that and now my ocd is torrturing me by making me think I'm in denial and I don't know what else to do. I'm so upset and before my ocd kicked in I was so in love with my bf and genuinely happy and now all of the sudden I feel so lost, like there's no hope, and that I don't love him anymore and that im not happy with him or that he's not the one for me. I don't know if this is my ocd or if that's how I truly feel even though we have the most amazing relationship. My ocd is making me think that I shouldn't be with him that I'm gay and that I have to do something about this problem and if I don't it won't let me be. Please help anyone who has experienced similar situation. I am so confused I don't know if it is even ocd or that these things happen to people where one day they turn gay and stop loving their partner that they truly did before and now doubting everything about myself and the relationship. I have never been with a woman and the thought never appealed to me and I was never attracted to women sexually. I have always been so certain of my sexuality and never questioned it so the fact that this is happening to me right now I dont even know how to deal wit it.
 
calypso

calypso

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Hey there and :welcome: to the forum.

Intrusive thoughts are so common for members here. The biggest thing with them is to NOT try to push them away, they just get stronger. I know that feels counter intuitive but it does help. Your brain is locked into a way of thinking and you have to break that lock. So, focus on tiny things - for me its perfume. I put some lovely perfume on, and smell it. Then when the thoughts get strong, I just say, "Yes, I can hear you, but now I'm smelling the perfume".

You have to do it over and over again. Keep refocusing on what you are doing. Change your focus at times, as your brain gets used to the old one. But always acknowledge the thoughts, tell them you can hear them, that's OK, but you are busy elsewhere for now. As I said, worrying over them makes them stronger.

Whether you are gay or not, and I suspect not, it doesn't matter. Don't try to analyse when you are in this state. You can do the analysis once you are more stable. I would suggest that you would benefit from some therapy and whilst CBT isn't useful for many things, it really can help with OCD.

There is a book which really helps and its deliberately written in large letters and VERY simply. "Emotional Hijacking" by Marlene Schneider Potter. She wrote it this way because she realised that people in an "emotion mind" can't concentrate easily. We have two main states, emotion mind and rational mind. The knack is to bring them together to make what is called Wise Mind. But it takes practise.

Whatever you choose - eating a piece of chocolate very slowly, smelling perfume, doing polishing etc - do it with all your concentration and when thoughts pop in, and they will, just accept them, hug them, have a small half smile at them, and bring your focus back. I laugh at mine at times. Our brain has about 70,000 thoughts a day, so it will always have them pop in. Intrusive thoughts always tend to trip us up with frightening thoughts. Treat these like naughty children who won't stop screaming "I want this, I want that".

Hope this might help honey. Don't make life changing decisions whilst like this though - I would advise.
 
calypso

calypso

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At risk of going on too much - I have a friend who is a psychologist and he says, "Bore the thoughts to death", so he got me to write them down, Over and Over again on pieces of paper. I did it, got so bored and my arm hurt. But it worked slowly.
 
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notrealname

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Ah...I used to have this. Horrible, isn't it? I started to avoid pictures of women etc. because I was scared I would get turned on and it would mean changing my lifestyle to start dating women rather than men, which I didn't really want to do because women didn't appeal to me sexually either. But I also thought I was just in denial and that I might suddenly realise I was gay and everything would change.

It's awful, but it's anxiety, and you're right it's difficult to deal with intrusive thoughts that won't leave you alone. The only thing I can suggest is trying mindfulness - just because it's helped me with thoughts. This advocates not fighting thoughts (this makes them stronger) and instead observing them but recognising that thoughts are just thoughts and not reality.
 
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Evgenija

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Jan 1, 2015
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Thank you notrealname and calypso you both have been very helpful. Its good to hear that someone has went through it and beaten it. Its just really difficult for me even when i do use mindfulness the thoughts overcome me and i get so anxious and im constantly overthinking and overanalyzing the situation. Sometimes i just cant wait to go to bed so i can shut my brain off for a few hours because i am mentally exhausted from thinking. How did u get over it with mindfulness and how long did it take you?? I know people that have gotten over it in a few months and for some it took years. I have always had mild OCD but the HOCD has been my most intense episode and the most threatening one and I dont feel like myself anymore. Its interfering with my everyday life, I avoid going out and I dont have the energy to anyways because I am so tired from overthinking and always doubting myself. And i know that they are just thoughts but they feel so real and i cant separate myself from them because they cause me so much anxiety and have made me super depressed. I think it has caused me to have ROCD as well and i slowly started to have doubts about my attractiveness and love for my boyfriend which i never used to have before the HOCD kicked in. The good thing is that i know its my ocd and that I do still love him but at times its hard to tell because im stuck in this analysis mode that i feel like i dont feel like i love him anymore. It is soo hard to deal with these 2 things at the same time and Im worried I might lose him. However its a good thing that he used to have HOCD and he had beaten it and he has been very helpful and understanding and patient with me.
 
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resentmentsruining

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Jan 2, 2015
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hi

I'm new here but your post triggered something in me as I did'nt know ROCD and HOCD etc exsisted until now. I remember having similar thougths in my 20s with my boyfriend....Looking back for me the anxiety was about the fear of rejection. I was always searching for a way to reject him before he rejected me like almost a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. In truth I find the stress of maintaining a relationship very hard. I love the newness but as time ticks on I feel I have to perform or adapt myself out of shape to keep my significant other close. When I look back my thoughts of being gay were about projection, that I would leave him for another woman before he did!
The crazy thing was that I did want out but was stuck in that horrible trap of not wanting anyone else to have my bf even if i did'nt ...Im ashamed to admit that..Im 47 now and by choice am remaining single to hopefully slay this codependancy pattern I have once and for all and also largely due to the exhaustion and washing maxhine thinking you speak of. I have a bank of rotating worries. Right now I have no desire for sex with anyone and the whole idea leaves me feeling trapped and claustraphobic as any surges in adrenaline, even pleasurable now manifest as anxiety. I just find at the moment that the pressure is off being single. I don't feel unloved or needy but I guarantee the minute I get in a relationship it brings out all my low self esteem...No answers but just sharing my experience in the hope you don't feel alone. xx
 
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notrealname

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hi

I'm new here but your post triggered something in me as I did'nt know ROCD and HOCD etc exsisted until now. I remember having similar thougths in my 20s with my boyfriend....Looking back for me the anxiety was about the fear of rejection. I was always searching for a way to reject him before he rejected me like almost a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. In truth I find the stress of maintaining a relationship very hard. I love the newness but as time ticks on I feel I have to perform or adapt myself out of shape to keep my significant other close. When I look back my thoughts of being gay were about projection, that I would leave him for another woman before he did!
The crazy thing was that I did want out but was stuck in that horrible trap of not wanting anyone else to have my bf even if i did'nt ...Im ashamed to admit that..Im 47 now and by choice am remaining single to hopefully slay this codependancy pattern I have once and for all and also largely due to the exhaustion and washing maxhine thinking you speak of. I have a bank of rotating worries. Right now I have no desire for sex with anyone and the whole idea leaves me feeling trapped and claustraphobic as any surges in adrenaline, even pleasurable now manifest as anxiety. I just find at the moment that the pressure is off being single. I don't feel unloved or needy but I guarantee the minute I get in a relationship it brings out all my low self esteem...No answers but just sharing my experience in the hope you don't feel alone. xx
Hmmm...interesting...sorry to hijack thread here, but I also have codependency patterns and I also quite like being single. I've never felt a burning desire for a relationship, and I think it's down to the same sort of thing. So long as I am alone, I'm under no threat. I don't mean to go against what you're saying, but for me I was actually coming around to the idea that maybe I should try to go the other way and try to find the bit of me that would like to be in a relationship, because it must be there, I feel so empty when I reject someone, even if they're obviously not good for me. Is your issue that you associate relationships with shame? Because that's what I do. Not specifically because of shameful instances - although I have had instances I'm ashamed of (like not being able to cope with rejection, not in a harsh way, just looking weak) - because the shame aspect came about before those instances occurred. For me it was just the sensation of feeling dependent on another brings about extreme feelings of shame, but ironically it's probably my low self-esteem that is making me feel dependent (I don't get the whole 'extreme feelings of love for people' thing other people describe - except once - and don't need to be interested in them to feel dependent, but my self worth becomes dependent on their not rejecting me, because at heart I feel a lot of shame any way and it would be like they were proving me right that there is something wrong with me...)

Is it the same for you? Are you working on your self esteem?

Anyway, sorry, I've totally hijacked this thread...
 
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resentmentsruining

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Jan 2, 2015
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Location
cheshire
hiya notrealname

I spoke to a friend today about esteem . In relationships its more of a pressure, responsibility and resentment thing bourne out of being rubbish at negotiating my needs so I just do everything instead. On my own I don't feel those things to the same degree and meet my own needs very well.The problem starts when I have to incorporate someone else as I always feel have to do the lions share of looking after them and keeping them happy whilst shelving myself. This poor negotiation extends to other areas of life whereby I usually pay over the odds for something rather than stick it out and barter for fairness . Im the only person I know who when on a recent holiday to India ended up bartering up and paying 4 x the asking price out of pity! ...In relationships I don't negotiate my needs for 2 reasons 1 . feeling it's too much trouble to go through compromise negotiation and 2 . seriously doubting that my needs can be met. So I do everything myself and then stew in resentment. Its probably also a generational thing as many women of my age still carry echos that in order to be a "good wife " you have to always be 24/7 available to tend to your mans needs and be perfectly level and stoic like the queen. For me , shame is more steeped in me not able to be superwoman.....I can't play all roles as once famously Jerry Hall said a the ideal woman was a "chef in the kitchen, mother in the living room and whore in the bedroom " or something along those lines. I'm not able to be that socially schizophrenic anymore and by being alone I can just be myself and its enough. My esteem is only challenged when I have the driving voice of " i'm not enough or im not doing enough"in comparisan to other people, and again by being single by choice all the pressure is off as I don't feel in competition to keep someones affections. My healthiest relationships are with my ex boyfriends after the pressure of coupledom is off. My best friend in fact is my ex from 15 yrs ago who is now like a brother to me and relegated to family member..lol totally platonic and no jealousy as we have both had long term relationships in between with other people. The only time I unloved is in a relationship as it seems I have to start fighting to get and maintain what I have naturally as a single person. xxx
 
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darla04

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Jan 6, 2015
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1
so similar

Hi, I am also new to this site but your situation is so similar to mine. The only difference is I have been battling hocd and rocd for 20+ years and to be very honest it is exhausting so my first suggestion would be to get help asap!

My hocd started in my 20s as well (although there was no info about anything like this in 1994 so I really felt like I was losing my mind). I am pretty sure my early childhood experiences in my family, at school and men probably have shaped much of my fears. At a very early age (9 or 10) my belief about myself was that all i was good for was to be raped (pretty sad if you ask me). My anxiety started in the 7th grade due to a boy trying to go a little too fast. At that time I was just scared to do anything for fear that something bad would happen to me, so I avoided all situations (meaning I stayed home a lot, never dated etc). Of course, during high school I was attracted to the boys. I would get turned on if the just touched my arm lol but I never allowed them to see that bc only bad things would happen if I did. I should also mention that I was never told that my feelings were normal so I always felt dirty. Sex was a bad thing. I am sure people wondered what was wrong with me. My sister even said, people are going to think you are gay. I remember writing in my journal that I didn't want people to think that of me and that I wasn't gay but my fears were too strong to change.

I went to college and it was like a breath of fresh air. It seemed that all my fears went away and that I could be myself. I crushed on boys but then met a guy who is now my husband. Everything was normal! It was awesome! No fears! We even broke up 3 times and not once did I have fears. I just knew he was going to be my husband. So what the hell happened? ?

I began working at a group home. At this home there were some real winners working there. I saw things noone should see! But what got me was that one worker was gay and one was bi. They talked about "stuff" I didn't know anything about! They also tools me that they did things in the basement on the night shift. Well...I was told I had to work the night shift with one of them and I flipped! .I had severe anxiety attacks! I stayed to have dreams about doing things that freaked me out. All I wanted to do was sleep. It was so bad! I wondered if because of the way I was feeling that I must be gay. This was my trigger. I contemplated suicide. I wanted to be wit my bf at all times because I felt safe, but he was playing professional football so I couldn't. I was so afraid to tell anyone (which I didn't) because if you talk about it then it must be true. So I fought the thoughts making things 10000x worse! One time while making love to my bf I had this image come to mind that his head was a girls and his body was a man. I stared questioning everything! Again, theRe was nothing out there and I wouldn't have even known where to look if there was bc ocd was so fast from my mind. I did go to counseling but brought none of this up for fear they would tell me I was having an identity crisis and that I was gay and needed to deal with that. They put me on meds that didn't do much. For 10 years I had major spikes! I cried a lot. I thought my life was over. It affected my work, friendships, and my marriage. In 2004 I finally told my husband that I needed help. It was them that my counselor began treating my for ocd...not hocd though, but it was mainly talk therapy with some epr. I found a medicine that helped tremendously with the anxiety and stopping a lot of the triggers, but not completely. I will never forget driving my kids to the sitter and observing the sunrise and there were no thoughts. I felt normal. The problem with the
Meds though was it affected me sex drive and my ability to feel anything. So now I began with the rocd. Hocd and rocd have been awful. I have combatted them mainly with meds. I have major spikes still. 3 years ago is when I learned about hocd. It was a relief to be honest. There was an answer for everything, but it was temporary because music, tv, celebrities, facebook, large crowds all became triggers. I avoid a lot! I have even thought that everyone at am amusementv park was gay and coming to get me! Rediculous I know, but in the moment a real fear. Now I worry that my kids will be gay...them what?

I have been married for almost 19 years and I have 4 children. It is the life I have dreamed of yet hocd and rocd is robbing me of having a fulfilling life with the man I love and my 4 beautiful children. I have never wanted to be with a girl. I have never fantasized being with a girl. I can't imaging my life with one, yet my brain makes me question this? ? I don't get it!

I have been told that ERP is the answer. I am deathly afraid of this. I wonder if I do it it will all come oUT that I am really gay. I just don't know if I can expose myself to the fears I have. I don't understand that facing these things is better than avoiding.

So, I urge you to get help now because the longer you wait, the more intense the intrusive thoughts become and the harder it is to know what is real.

If anything, I hope you know you are not alone...as I am so glad to read posts of people who are experiencing similar things.
 
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Emed14

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Jan 6, 2017
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Hello I'm 19 and I'm new to here... and I would like to share my experience with HOCD while being with my fiancé.
So my fiancé and I have been together for 10 months (I know its early but we have it planned in the future) and we have been so good and connected that we have been unstoppable. On our 5 months he left for the Army and it was pretty devastating because it felt like a break up but it really wasn't cuz we both still love each other. I felt so in love with that we have plans for our future and it felt real and that we can actually have together. But in mid-late October I had a dream that I had done it with a women and I woke up and I felt so scared and confused and emotional that I hated myself for have this dream. The following day I haven't felt like myself at all. I was shaking, crying, isolated and awkward. I felt like my own world was crumbling apart and it was non existent. Like I have no sort of identity of myself. Making it feel like my life is a complete lie. But it
 
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Emed14

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*continuing down*
was weird that it just came out of no where. But I have sort of an idea what could've been the trigger to started it all. Since my fiance left for the Army. I hadn't gotten anymore "action" if you know what I mean, ever since. And even though he was away, I wanted to get it out for myself. So I decided to watch porn. Now I used to watch a lot of porn before back in middle school. And I thought ever since I considered myself a porn addict. Which I guess it's true. Now before I met my fiance I had been almost a year and a half off. Sober as I was, I felt good. Now that I went back on it, I was watching the same stuff that I used to watch. Everything everything. Now the one category that i truly regret was the lesbian category. I watched it and one video led to another. I watched every category for 3 straight nights. Then I stopped and I was like "ehh no biggy" plus I wasn't feeling it anymore. So like a week later, I had a dream that I was with a women and we had did stuff. Stuff that made it look like in a porno. And i woke up terrified, confused and my anxiety level was rising and I was crying. I haven't felt like this before. Then these thoughts stared rapidly coming into my head and I was terrified to the max. I was afraid of telling my fiance and my family about that was going with me. I kept it in me the whole time for about a month. I had loss of appetite, stressed (with family problems and financial problems), afraid of falling asleep, anxiety, lost, loss of identity and suicidal thoughts. I wanted to run away or "take myself out". But I wanted to stay strong for my fiance, family and friends. And dog and cats lol. But I told my family that I had those thoughts and I told them that I'm not gay. Which they understood cuz they know I'm not. But I was afraid of telling my fiance that was going through my head. I told him 2 weeks before he came down for Christmas break. He was shocked but at the same time he understood. Because he also went through it as well before he met me. Which is crazy! :( But yah he spoke to me and whatever that i need help or ask him for any advice from him, he wanted me too let him know. I felt blessed cuz I love him since I first saw him till today. And for him to be by my side about this I couldn't be more happier. Once we reunited, we had this big relief that felt so good and so right. Even though the thoughts in my head was killing me, I knew that talking to him in person would be the right time. I opened up and he was hearing me out and giving advice's and deep talk to help me open my eyes. It lasted for 5 days till I felt that it was gone and i can be my normal self. On the 28th that is when he proposed to me and it was everything that I ever dreamed off. i was so happy. But 2 days before he left, it all started coming back. New Years eve was tough cuz when him and I was making love, I stopped cuz the thoughts of a women being paste on my fiance face was bothering and an extremely mood killer. I was confused cuz I don't know if i was making love to my fiance or a women the whole time. I was devastated that I started to punch my own head and hitting it towards the wall and window like a complete maniac. My fiance stopped me and asked "why are you doing this to yourself" and i told him I'm sorry and I put on clothes and I got up and walked out of his house. He followed me and we stopped and we talked and I felt like complete crap. I lost it pretty bad, that it showed that I couldn't take it anymore and that i need help. My fiance left the next morning back to the Army. The holidays with him was amazing with him. I wished i could've gone with him back to the Army. But anyways, after he left the thoughts had been getting stronger and I was becoming weaker and depressed. I talked to about and he started to become different because after he talked to me about how ignore it, cope with it, etc. He seemed that he was feeling hopeless and depressed as well. 3 days ago I thought it was gonna be the end of our relationship cuz we both didn't feel right with each other and he didn't sound interested at all. I cried and was scared cuz I was thinking "could this be the day that it all ends?" but i tried not to think that we cuz I love him so much that i don't wanna loose him. He hasn't been concentrating in school cuz of everything that i keep on telling him. He felt useless and worthless cuz of everything that I tell him. I felt horrible that I didn't know what to do. i felt like telling him that he would be better off without me and it's for the better. But that was gonna make things 10x worse and I don't want that whatsoever. He told me "it's either thoughts that you wanna agree on or the future that we both wanna have, tell me tomorrow morning" that same night i told my family everything everything on why these thoughts came about. My mo asked if I wanted to go see a councilor and I said "yes please I really need help please anything" begging my mom to please call for an appointment. The next morning I told my fiance that I decided to seek a councilor asap to help me because i want everything to be ok between us. And at first he didn't by it but I explained to more and more and that is when it clicked and he heard I was being serious about it. Days goes on and him and i are doing good. It's just it's hard cuz I knew going through HOCD was gonna affect my relationship so bad. It is not a pretty thing to go through. Some my say it's not a big deal but it is. To be honest, I'm still scared for our relationship but at the same time I have confidence and feel good that we can make it through this. We talked and worked it out, even though there's times where he is feeling depressed cuz of this, but we still pick each other up from all of this and continue to fight forward. I am happy with my engagement and happy with my old self. Cuz it felt it was all so true and made a whole lot of sense. I'm currently doing a little better. Not as much worse as before but I do have courage that I can get through this and I honestly can't wait to see an councilor soon and with my fiances' and I future that i can see clearly. But I feel good just thinking about my family, future and him will get me through it all.
Thank you for letting me share :)
 
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