Please help, don't know how to deal anymore

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anxiousgirl335

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Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
5
Location
California
#1
Hi everyone, this is my first time posting on a forum like this, but I've just been having such a hard time recently. I've always had OCD-like symptoms (I'm formally diagnosed as just having general anxiety), but the recent situation I've been going through is most likely a form of Real Event OCD.

I've recently been obsessing over a sexual encounter that happened back in the fall of last year (I'm in college). This was a girl I had been hooking up with, and we had a strong emotional connection. I hadn't seen her in a week, and I had suggested having sex a couple of times during the day, adding the phrase "no pressure" at the end. She said, "I appreciate that you're saying that there's no pressure, but I'm feeling pressured right now." I immediately realized my mistake and apologized sincerely. Soon after, she invited me to take a shower with her and we had sex (I don't remember too much about that, but my hope is that if she was really uncomfortable I would've picked up on it). After the shower, she said something to the effect of "Yeah, I just haven't really been in the mood today" and then adding "That was good though!" When we went out to breakfast the next morning, I apologized further, and it seemed like she was okay. She was like "I'm glad we can communicate about stuff like this".

My main worry is that I may have raped her, or that she could ruin my life. We ended on bad terms (she was spreading inappropriate sexual information about me at our workplace, telling people that I got nervous during our first time together. When I called her out, she denied it and ceased contact pretty soon after), so I'm worried that maybe she could spread more shit about me and ruin my life? I've only talked to a couple people about this, and it's beginning to really take a toll on my physical and mental health. My current girlfriend keeps telling me I would never have done something like that, but I keep running the situation through my mind over and over.

I would appreciate any perspective or advice on this situation, thank you for reading!
 
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Xan

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Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
23
Location
Louisiana
#2
You can only gain perspective on this from her. Tell her how you feel about it, how potentially remorseful you are about it, and accept your part in it if there is any. Ultimately this is all on you. Get your own freedom from this in your head however it comes.
 
A

anxiousgirl335

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Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
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Location
California
#3
I sincerely wish I could, however, she has manipulated me before and I do not trust her to be honest if I ever talked to her again.
 
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Xan

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Mar 4, 2019
Messages
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Location
Louisiana
#4
Its not necessarily about her perspective. It’s about evaluating the remorse you feel first (it’s valid if you feel it), evaluating your part in it, THEN communicating that to her, and being willing to make amends for it. Sorry I put I wrong at first.
 
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anxiousgirl335

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Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
5
Location
California
#5
Okay, that makes sense, thank you. My main issue is determining how much is my OCD making something up and how much is actual harm that I've done, but thank you for your perspective!
 
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Xan

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Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
23
Location
Louisiana
#6
It would be beneficial if you could talk to a mental health physician first. I’m not an expert. I’m only coming from my perspective in dealing with remorse!
 
A

anxiousgirl335

Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
5
Location
California
#7
Don't worry, I understand! I'm seeing a therapist and she is very helpful. :)