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Please help- am I a terrible person?

S

Skillet

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
3
Hi everyone,
So I go through phases of depression and have OCD ( specifically the overthinking, intrusive thoughts form of OCD). Recently I've been feeling really sad and its because of something I did a while ago.. I just need people to read this and see whether I deserve to be forgiven. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

When I was younger I watched porn a couple of times a week and masturbated like a lot of other young guys. After years of watching it I did something that sickens me to the core now and I hate myself for it- I went through a 1 month/2 month phase of photoshopping a photo of my crush's face onto a porn gif and getting off to it. I did this with the photos of two girls I know.. ( one wasn't actually a crush infact she was not a nice girl and was horrible to me and others so at the time i felt little to no guilt for doing it) I know that you probably think I'm a disgusting human being for doing this and I definitely feel like I am one. I know that I didn't directly hurt anyone by doing this but it doesn't change the fact that it was sick and perverted. I remember getting bored with just watching porn and wanted to do something different which I guess is why I did it but only recently have I seen how disgusting it was. I'm always told how nice and caring I am and all I am trying to do now is do things for charity and be a good person. But I always think back to this regret and it makes me feel disgusting and not worthy of forgiveness. I'll never forgive myself for it and everytime I start feeling happy I have a thought in my mind saying that I don't deserve any happiness. Can anyone give me some advice? Would you forgive for this? Thank you all.
 
whitelection

whitelection

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
60
Why are you so hard on yourself for doing something you couldn't help? When boys go through adolescence, they do a lot of things because of their heightened emotions, and the rush of feelings they experience. All of a sudden, girls don't have cooties anymore.

You said you never directly hurt anyone, right? When you did this, you were still a child--you didn't know what was right and what was wrong. Never forget you're only human. We make mistakes, and we learn from them. Let me tell you. When I was 17, I met this boy online who was the same age, and oh my God, he made me blush so much. I ended up cutting him off and never speaking to him again because I was so ashamed of myself for even listening to what he had to say. But what could I do? In the moment, it felt /right/. Today, three years later--after I've met better people who have shown me what respect is, it does not.

Everyone goes through one thing or another. You are not alone! What we can do, is continuously work on improving ourselves--and it sounds like you're doing a fine job at that already. :) Long story short, you are not a terrible person. Relax!
 
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S

Skillet

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
3
Thanks for your response whitelection I really appreciate it when people like you take the time to help out people like me. I wasn't a kid when I did it though, I'd just turned 22 I believe :( I'll try and relax!
 
whitelection

whitelection

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 28, 2018
Messages
60
You don't have to thank me! That's what we're all here for on this site, right? :) Even if you're not a kid, you're still young. It's a scientific fact that boys take longer to mature than girls too--so, adolescence also lasts longer. Everyone around you seems to adore you, I'd recommend not dwelling over it. We all have our flaws. Maybe when you get a thought related to it, you could distract yourself by doing something you enjoy, or listening to a favourite song? Anything to divert your mind from it. Take care!
 
C

Co0kie

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
1
Location
NE
Hey, I've literally joined and came across your post while browsing the forum. I just wanted to say you are being FAR too hard on yourself. What you did is COMPLETELY forgivable and you really shouldn't dwell on it at all! If anything, it was just a creative way to have some private fun! You are not a disgusting human being at all and you really need to put that idea out of your head. Stop this self hate over something that really isn't bad at all. Seriously, forget it :)
 
S

Skillet

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
3
Thanks Co0kie that helps me a lot, just like whitelection I wanna say a big thank you for taking the time to help me out!
 
M

Mr Ploppy

Former member
Thanks Co0kie that helps me a lot, just like whitelection I wanna say a big thank you for taking the time to help me out!

Skillet, I’ve known people do a lot, lot worse.

I’ve worked with people who have done a lot, lot worse. I worked for a company where all the guys in the warehouse had a wank mag in the toilet, would get to work, do a couple hours, go wank off in the toilet, when these people would go out together, they’d end up a strip joint, then go down the local whore house and well a number we’re married and well had mistresses. Seriously. No one give a shit!.

You, well your too good for that company.
 

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