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Please give me some advice

J

justcause

New member
Joined
Sep 15, 2019
Messages
1
Location
UK
Hi,

I strongly feel my wife has BPD. After doing research online going through all the mental illnesses I stumbled upon BPD & instantly it summed my wife up to a tee. I did further research & everything ties in.

She see's everything in black & white with no middle ground. Her recollection of events just aren't how they happened yet she will swear blind she is right & there is no getting through to her. If I say something to her in an argument half the time she will respond with something so bizarre which has nothing to do with what we're talking about or how I feel an average person would respond. I have had numerous blazing rows with her simply as she won't calm down. I keep telling her I don't want to argue it will get us nowhere but she just keeps on getting more & more wound up & nasty. It ends up with me walking out or she tells me to leave.

When I have left for the night I will stay round a friends or family member & she will be texting me saying we need to sort out bills when we split up & to let her know when I will be round to pick up my belongings. I don't respond then 30 minutes later she texts again. Then the other night she text me at 3am telling me when she is dead I will not have to worry about her & I can forget her & she can forget me. I've also had texts come through telling me not to message her as her date has arrived, I don't respond as I'm certain she is making it up then 30 minutes later I have a long message about sorting the gas bill out with her (when she's on her 'date'!). Is this a cry for help? Or does she want to play games & see how I will react? I need advice please...….

She had a bad relationship with her parents when younger which ties in with BPD from what I have read. I 100% believe that is the root of her issues. I would put all my money on it but when I tell her I feel she has BPD & advise her to read up on it she declines. Whether she actually does research it once all has settled down is another thing, she may well do. I have asked her to consider visiting the doctor either with me or on her own but she refuses. She out rightly claims there is nothing wrong with her past & it's her current life with me. My response to her is then you must have an extremely bad temper then because some of the stuff she gets mad about the average person simply wouldn't. We argue over nothing, it's not like someone is cheating or anything major it's just over stupid things that escalate because she makes it escalate.

I guess I'm just on here as I need some first hand experience what it's like to be in her head. If anyone suffers from BPD on here or has in the past please can you just explain to me a little how she could be viewing life. If it carries on like this our marriage will be over. I have family & friends and she doesn't so she will be on her own. I do want to help her but she just won't contemplate my thoughts on the situation at all at the moment.

Please help me :(
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
33,243
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
hi I just wanted to welcome you to the forum
I hope you get some good advise soon and find this place useful
welcome love Lu xxx
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
9,497
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
It does sound like BPD to me but in order to be sure she does need to see the doctor and get professional help.

Black and white thinking is one part of it, same as pushing you away then contacting you to try to get you back.

One or two symptoms does not make a full disorder though, which is why to be sure she needs to see the doctor.

She has to want the help though, you cannot force her to get help so it really boils down to do you want to continue being around her? How is her behaviour affecting you?

All you can control (if she refuses help) is how you respond or react to her behaviour.

One of my disagnosises is BPD and in order to understand my feelings and how i react to others, I read up on it and really try to help myself, I don't expect other people to "save" me.

I hope this helps :grouphug:

Oh and welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,015
Hi,

I strongly feel my wife has BPD. After doing research online going through all the mental illnesses I stumbled upon BPD & instantly it summed my wife up to a tee. I did further research & everything ties in.

She see's everything in black & white with no middle ground. Her recollection of events just aren't how they happened yet she will swear blind she is right & there is no getting through to her. If I say something to her in an argument half the time she will respond with something so bizarre which has nothing to do with what we're talking about or how I feel an average person would respond. I have had numerous blazing rows with her simply as she won't calm down. I keep telling her I don't want to argue it will get us nowhere but she just keeps on getting more & more wound up & nasty. It ends up with me walking out or she tells me to leave.

When I have left for the night I will stay round a friends or family member & she will be texting me saying we need to sort out bills when we split up & to let her know when I will be round to pick up my belongings. I don't respond then 30 minutes later she texts again. Then the other night she text me at 3am telling me when she is dead I will not have to worry about her & I can forget her & she can forget me. I've also had texts come through telling me not to message her as her date has arrived, I don't respond as I'm certain she is making it up then 30 minutes later I have a long message about sorting the gas bill out with her (when she's on her 'date'!). Is this a cry for help? Or does she want to play games & see how I will react? I need advice please...….

She had a bad relationship with her parents when younger which ties in with BPD from what I have read. I 100% believe that is the root of her issues. I would put all my money on it but when I tell her I feel she has BPD & advise her to read up on it she declines. Whether she actually does research it once all has settled down is another thing, she may well do. I have asked her to consider visiting the doctor either with me or on her own but she refuses. She out rightly claims there is nothing wrong with her past & it's her current life with me. My response to her is then you must have an extremely bad temper then because some of the stuff she gets mad about the average person simply wouldn't. We argue over nothing, it's not like someone is cheating or anything major it's just over stupid things that escalate because she makes it escalate.

I guess I'm just on here as I need some first hand experience what it's like to be in her head. If anyone suffers from BPD on here or has in the past please can you just explain to me a little how she could be viewing life. If it carries on like this our marriage will be over. I have family & friends and she doesn't so she will be on her own. I do want to help her but she just won't contemplate my thoughts on the situation at all at the moment.

Please help me :(
Sounds like signs of BPD, yeah, but couldn't say for sure.. And there's a lot of different types of BPD behaviours and people out there, no one size fits all.

Cutting you off and playing up is probably to protect herself so she won't be abandoned. Often seems like BPD people will do anything to avoid them being abandoned.

In terms of what you can do, it does make it harder if she doesn't want to get a diagnosis or accept help.

Likely situation here is that she is very dependent on you keeping afloat, you keeping relatively stable, and you always returning. So a kind of dependency exists. To be brutally honest with you, as long as she doesn't want help, and as long as you keep on returning after these outbursts, it is probably going to keep on being a cycle of dependency.

You don't mention whether you want to save the marriage, but I get the feeling you do. Do you get any moments of calm communication in which you can try to reason with her and explain to her that you don't want these arguments, and it could help save your marriage to go to marriage therapy. Explain to her that you feel helpless and want things to change for the better. I think it is important to avoid language which comes across like you are attacking her. You can just explain calmly you are tired of the fights and the drama. If she flies off the handle, at least you tried.

Sorry you are having to tread on eggshells, I can imagine this is stressful for you but at least you are taking the empathetic approach. All the best, mate.
 
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