please can someone help me

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dewey

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Has something happened dewy to make you feel so low
i just realised that nothings changing in my life and every day i wake up its the same. i have so little to live for.
whatever reasns i have to live i i am blinded to them.
i cant believe things are gonna get bettter because they never have.
i still live with a tyrant, i have no other option.
i cant move out as i am filled with fear.
i try to get better through therapy and anti depressants but i feel terrible. all my emotions are blocked inside.
i have no nothing no jobs, no friends around here, no partner (lol i have never been able to have a partner because i'm too crazy), i am the weird, strange one, in every situation. i feel alientated and purposeless. i feel a physical pain in my brain and my chest every day.
people say you have to try and work to get better but this feels so hard... when honestly, i don't feel changes within me. i just feel the same things inside me and it's all despair and desperation.

honestly i have physical pain in my head and my chest. i know i am not loved.
 
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dewey

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i just hurt people and mess things up. to the good, stable people in my life, i am a burden they don't want to be bothered with because i bring them DOWN and they don't understand how to help me so they say things like don't feel sorry for yourself, you pity yourself, or can an aspirin help your headache?
none of these things help.
i'm just in so much pain, it's all over my body.
i am an ugly person who hurts others. i have hurt many people in the past, through my drinking, even though that was learnt behaviour. and i have hurt people through my crazy manicness.
i have hurt people because i am angry and i can't control my anger.
this is me.
i am not disciplined. i am not responsible.
look at my life and you'll see. i can't stick ot the straight and narrow.
i wont' amount to much
people dont want to be around me - cats do though so i'll end like one of those people with no human contact with cats.
inside me im crying hard but its blocked out so i cant cry it out because of the pills.
i can't end my life, no, but would i want to

i am one big sick mess
 
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dewey

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i fuck up everything and i hate myself and i know who hates me most of all
 
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dewey

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and i am so ugly and crazy
i wish i could be beautiful and stable
because at least people would value me
 
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dewey

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i don't want people saying OH THAT'S NOT TRUE because i know it is lol.
i know it is.
i have enoughlife experience to know what is going on
i am sick to the very core of me,
i have been like this all my life
i should know
 
daffy

daffy

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Can I ask who is that you live with that’s making your life so miserable. Is there no way that you can leave. You can’t say that you’ll never meet anyone because you never know what’s round the corner for you. I thought I’d never meet anyone that would understand my crazy ways, but I did. And we had six wonderful years together. I’m now saying the same as you I’ll be on my own forever but hopefully I won’t. Do you go to any groups or classes cos I’m sure it would do you good. I don’t mean to come across cliched or patronisising. But the best thing I did was getting involved in voluntary work. I’m sure you could find something that would get you away from the house, (and the tyrant) even if it’s just a walk round the block
I’ve got to go out soon but I’ll be back on later if you want to chat:grouphug:
 
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Girl interupted

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Dewey hon. Deep breath. It is going to be ok. This is temporary and honestly I think you were overdue for something to burst out.

And it's ok that it has. You won't be able to control it right now, so you'll have to ride it out.

One day at a time.

I'm absolutely here for you if you need to PM. Just going into therapy now but will be free in an hour.

I got you. I do.
 
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dewey

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Can I ask who is that you live with that’s making your life so miserable. Is there no way that you can leave. You can’t say that you’ll never meet anyone because you never know what’s round the corner for you. I thought I’d never meet anyone that would understand my crazy ways, but I did. And we had six wonderful years together. I’m now saying the same as you I’ll be on my own forever but hopefully I won’t. Do you go to any groups or classes cos I’m sure it would do you good. I don’t mean to come across cliched or patronisising. But the best thing I did was getting involved in voluntary work. I’m sure you could find something that would get you away from the house, (and the tyrant) even if it’s just a walk round the block
I’ve got to go out soon but I’ll be back on later if you want to chat:grouphug:
i'm scared to talk about it on here.

thanks for your messages. i do appreciate it
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Thinking about you Dewey, you can always private message one of us.
Hope you feel better soon
 
daffy

daffy

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As mayflower says if you can’t talk on the forum please feel free to pm someone that you feel you can confide in. Take care.
 
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dewey

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As mayflower says if you can’t talk on the forum please feel free to pm someone that you feel you can confide in. Take care.
thank you
i'm truly sorry for being negative to your suggestions.
i do appreciate you trying to help, it is so kind of you and thank you for caring. i honestly do appreciate it.
 
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dewey

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It's just kind of hard to feel constructive when all I feel right now is pure emotion it's like I can't even think properly.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

People are making good suggestions to help but I feel like I'm so in a rut I wouldn't even know how to put them into practice because I'm just so chaotic right now.

I can feel all my emotion at the centre of me. But it is being blocked and numbed out by these pills.
The joke is recently I was supposed to be trying a new anti depressant so I slowly lowered my dosage and then all my bad depression emotions came back really strong. So I decided i actually couldn't change. Instead I just go back on the pills and now i just feel numb.


I think today I had a proper full blown panic attack for the first time in at least a year. When it was over i felt more real again. It gave me a kind of high
 
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Girl interupted

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Ah then it's not even you, it's the change in meds. Totally beyond your control until you get used to it.

I dropped 25 mg of my dose and nearly fell off a cliff. Well you witnessed that here.

Xox
 

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