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Please can someone help me x

S

SianB

Member
Joined
Nov 11, 2014
Messages
11
Location
UK
Hi, I'm hoping for for advice please.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 8 years and I love him with all my heart and the thought of leaving him kills me inside but I am terrified of him.

He can be the nicest and sweetest man ever but when ever he drinks or takes anything with codeine in, he turns into a monster.

I have been diagnosed with anorexia since November which has made everything 10 times worse because he hates the way I look and the fact that I'm so depressed these days.

I only enjoy life when I can escape for 9 hours when I am in work. I dread going home incase he's had a drink which is normally everyday.

I have begged him to get help but he won't! He never remembers what he was like the night before and he is always so nice to me the day after. He has no family so I can't just leave him but I honestly don't know what to do anymore because I physically and mentally cannot cope with this abuse anymore.

Every day a little piece of me dies and I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to survive with the little bit of life I have left in me.

Thank you for caring enough to read this x
 
U

urbangibbon

Guest
Hi, I'm hoping for for advice please.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 8 years and I love him with all my heart and the thought of leaving him kills me inside but I am terrified of him.

He can be the nicest and sweetest man ever but when ever he drinks or takes anything with codeine in, he turns into a monster.

I have been diagnosed with anorexia since November which has made everything 10 times worse because he hates the way I look and the fact that I'm so depressed these days.

I only enjoy life when I can escape for 9 hours when I am in work. I dread going home incase he's had a drink which is normally everyday.

I have begged him to get help but he won't! He never remembers what he was like the night before and he is always so nice to me the day after. He has no family so I can't just leave him but I honestly don't know what to do anymore because I physically and mentally cannot cope with this abuse anymore.

Every day a little piece of me dies and I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to survive with the little bit of life I have left in me.

Thank you for caring enough to read this x
That is a very difficult situation you're in Sian. It is a dilemma. In my opinion - and I know opinions are easy to give when you don't have to act on them - you have to make a choice if he won't stop drinking and taking drugs. Otherwise you would have to live with this abuse. I know this sounds simplistic, but if he really loves you, he will change for you and help himself at the same time in the long run. You cannot suffer abuse like that. If it were me, I would act to resolve it asap. Domestic abuse is domestic abuse whether it is caused by drink or anything else.
 
T

Taffy

Guest
Hi Sian

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I am not sure where you are ... but if it is the UK....here is the contact number and web site for Womens Aid.... they are fantastic people and can help you in confidence. Just click on the link

Women's Aid - Help & Advice - If You or a Friend Need Help

If you need to be somewhere safe they will help you and will advise. Sometimes people promise they will change but never do... your own health and personal safety is what concerns me.

It takes a lot of courage but sometimes you need to decide if perhaps it is time to put yourself first?

I think you deserve better than this.
Taffy
 
V

voyager

Guest
Hi Sian B, I just wanted to reply to you and say that Im sorry that you're going through this :hug1: you sound a lovely person. Please look after yourself and take care lovely.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
So sorry that you're going through this. I know how terrifying it can be. My advice would be this: You really have to think of yourself and yourself only. When you're in an abusive relationship, thoughts of what will happen to him or how he'll cope should be ignored. He's had the chance to get help and refused. He might not remember all of his actions when drunk but he must know how his behaviour is affecting you.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I've been there before. I was married to someone like your boyfriend. Nicest guy in the world when sober but an abusive, aggressive, frightening monster when drunk. He never changed. I lost count of the apologies, begs for forgiveness and bouquets of flowers I received. We divorced over 18 years ago now.

You are so much stronger than you realise and you don't have to do this alone. The women's aid website that Taffy gave the link for might be a good place to start. There's lots of information there. Or your local CAB should be able to help.

Take care.
 
S

SianB

Member
Joined
Nov 11, 2014
Messages
11
Location
UK
Thank you all so much for reading this and replying. It's nice to know that their are kind people out there that actually do care. Yes I am from the UK so will definitely take all your advice on.

To be honest I don't really know why I posted this because I knew what everyone would say to me and I know that because I know what I should do but it is never that easy and I'm scared of being on my own. I don't have any family and Iv lost most of my friends along this 8 year nightmare.

The main thing he starts on me for is my lack of eating so in a way I suppose I am partly to blame. I know that he will get mad when I don't eat tea but I just can't anymore. He has terrible arguments with me over this and I know it's coming but Iv just lost the will to flight, I'm so numb now that I dont care anymore. I'm getting help as an out patient at the eating disorder hospital and my counselor has told me that if I don't start to put weight on then they could admit me as an inpatient and to be honest, that sounds like a holiday at the moment, to be able to escape for a little while, is that such a bad way of thinking? I can't talk to my counselor about him, I can't talk to anyone. This is the first time Iv ever asked for help.

He is on bail at the moment on a GBH charge against someone else and it really has affected him, he's so down and unhappy with life and I'm scared he is going to do something stupid. I can't bare seeing him so down this way but he has now got so much worse because the only way he can cope with everything that is going on in his life, is to drink! I'm also scared that when he goes to court, the police will read messages that I have sent about him and he is going to be so mad that I was actually stupid enough to send someone a text that implements him as violent, how do I tell him this.

I am sorry for blabbing on about all this, I just don't know who I can talk to and I'm so scared that he will hate me and that I am going to lose him and be left on my own. Believe me, I know I should leave him and that I am worth 10 times better but I can't, Iv tried! I'm just not as strong as everyone thinks.

Thank you once again for caring enough to reply x
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,824
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
I understand how scary it is the thought of leaving your oh after all this time with him. I went through similar with my last long term ex which was a ten year committment. If you are as scared of him as you say hun, it sounds as if your going through a hell of a lot of abuse, and this is only going to make your mh and eating disorder worse as time goes on. I understand how you can still love him even with what he's doing and know how heartbreaking it is to leave an abusive situation and how lost you feel.

You have to do whatever you can to protect yourself and get yourself safe. With family and friends being driven away it's even more vital you get some support as to what steps to take. Do try to get the courage to contact your womens shelter where there are trained counsellors to give you support and help you make healthy choices for yourself. Please do discuss or write down at least about your boyfriend with your current mh counsellor. You shouldn't keep this hidden.

It took me 7 years to get brave enough to leave my last abusive relationship and I still loved him when I left, It was a forum like this helped me find the courage to leave, hope we can give you courage and good advice as well to help you do whats best for you and your health. Huge huge hugs
 
Last edited:
U

urbangibbon

Guest
The main thing he starts on me for is my lack of eating so in a way I suppose I am partly to blame. I know that he will get mad when I don't eat tea but I just can't anymore. He has terrible arguments with me over this and I know it's coming but Iv just lost the will to flight, I'm so numb now that I dont care anymore. I'm getting help as an out patient at the eating disorder hospital and my counselor has told me that if I don't start to put weight on then they could admit me as an inpatient and to be honest, that sounds like a holiday at the moment, to be able to escape for a little while, is that such a bad way of thinking? I can't talk to my counselor about him, I can't talk to anyone. This is the first time Iv ever asked for help.

Thank you once again for caring enough to reply x
Eating disorders are medical problems. It sounds as though he is blaming you for this rather than understanding that you are suffering from an illness. Don't blame yourself for this.

He needs to sort himself out because it is bad for both of you. And you need to get as much help and support as you can so that you can live your life without an abusive relationship. It seems to me that there is a lot of fear in your life and that you are in a "controlling" relationship. I know what that is like. It makes life miserable. WE become frightened to open our mouth or disagree.

We all need help with our problems. You are probably a lot stronger than you think. And sometimes, being on your own isn't as bad as the fear of it. Sometimes it is better to be on your own for a bit rather than be in an abusive relationship. I ended an an abusive relationship two years ago. At first, I felt lost and aimless. But now I am in a better position than I was, even though I am still alone. It's OK if the alternative is worse.

I just couldn't go on any longer with this relationship. It just had to end.....for my own survival and sanity.

I hope you come through. Don't give up. Keep going.
 
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