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Rainbowgr

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Dec 11, 2014
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1
I lost my mother three years ago to cancer, I was 17 at the time I'm now 20. I've grown up a lot since then but I feel like it is effecting me more then ever. I can laugh and feel happy for a moment but then it passes. I am constantly numb I dont feel happy to much it's more distracted. I am distracted at my job which is at night so all day I tend to watch tv to stay distracted. Ive been with my boyfriend through my mum dying and he was amazing, i felt an unconditional love for him but a year and a half after being together he broke up with me for three months. It broke that grip that thing that he was when i missed my mum i had him. We ended up getting back together but i didnt feel the same so i ended up leaving him after being together for another year. I mean i felt happy at the start and over time everything and how i felt slipped through my fingers. i left him and was with someone else for six months but felt he didnt measure up to my ex in anyway. So i ended up being back with him. We have now been together for about 4 months again. I was so unconditionally happy when we got back together. Im not feeling like i want someone else i want him, but i dont feel that unconditional love that i use to. is it because im comfortable with him now?. I feel so numb to everything and i miss my mum. She was my rock because my father was never emotionally there for me and found a new girlfriend within a year of my mum dying and now i live with them, and feel like i get punched in the face every morning emotionally that my mum is gone because i see his girlfriend.

I just dont know what to do, am i still in love with him. I say it every day and i love being in his presense im just not a happy person anymore but being around him makes each day better. I just dont feel what i felt when we were first together but now its been three years so i am sure you cant feel that crazy love thing, at some point it becomes comfortable i get that. I see these people in tv shows with unconditional crazy love and i feel like im missing out. I do know its scripted but i just feel so lost...
 
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mel-the-dissociate

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May 27, 2016
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Hi Rainbowgr,

I have never lost a parent or anyone close from death, but I can relate to you feeling detached from people and feeling uncertain in your relationships, this is a common type of reaction to trauma as we dissociate from our painful emotions to survive. I really hope you are okay and can talk openly about your feelings regarding your mothers death and your dad with your boyfriend, as well as your conflicts about the relationship with him. He will have to be patient and understanding.

Do you have other close friends that you can relate to in a fulfilling way? Are you able to feel engaged with others or is this difficult and inconsistent? Your relationship with your father sounds interesting (I don't know how much you have explored that, or if you've been in therapy, but if you haven't considered the effects of how his neglect may have contributed to your feelings now it will help you understand yourself more).

While grief takes years to process if it goes on keeping you from living a normal and emotionally satisfying life, you're doing the right thing by seeking help and intervening. There are things you can do to recover, have faith in that, and persistence. Persistence is sometimes the only thing that gets me through until I find the next bit of info or support or hope. Are you in therapy or looking for a therapist? If you are, make sure they're a bloody good one that doesn't make you feel misunderstood, make sure you get along and have some kind of rapport, and make sure they GET YOU and if they don't get you they should be checking their facts with you throughout the whole process rather than making assumptions.

Also, about your partner, if my own experience can do anything for you...When I first started seeing my boyfriend he was the kindest and most supportive guy I've ever met, and I was attracted to him, but I found it so hard to "attatch" to him or admit we were in a relationship. Even though i could see that this guy was good for me unlike my narcicistic ex. I have been ambivalent in every single romantic relationship I've ever had, it's so distressing and confusing, i can't connect the way I crave to. Anyway I've explained all this to him and he's actually stood by me the whole time being understanding and supportive. My relationships have all felt a bit dull and void of the rich and exciting emotion I expected, because of my numbness, so I do not believe it is him - but I cant tell yet - the point is he's helping me feel I belong somewhere and have someone to turn to and confide in. Ocasionally I experience joy out of the numbness. Occasionally a direct connection through the fog, that i can feel inside. I can't expect anymore from myself right now, because of my condition. I only get these good moments when I know he understands me and that I'm not being a fake because we're on the same page, and when I'm making an effort to be as authentic as possible, and to not hide myself.

You might have difficulty connecting with your boyfriend while you're still processing your grief and possibly you are processing stuff with your dad from childhood. As long as he's understanding of your condition, what you are going through, can talk to you about it and accept that some days you will be off and feel confused, I'd say don't leave him while you're in this state, because you're affected by symptoms that cloud the picture. If he helps you heal just by accepting you this could lead to a stronger relationship in the future and a healthy love despite the fact that the excitement of new love is gone. I'm finding more and more that having this kind of reliable and wholesome sort of connection is vital and much better for you life than something which is only fun and exciting - especially when you can't feel fun and excitement - that stuff comes and goes, but a loving and reliable partner doesn't.

Also living with your dad and his new girlfriend? That must be hard. I'd be thinking about moving. It costs a ton and youre probably hesitant to move in with your bf while you're feeling this way but think about your options and other people to live with. Your mental health and quality of life is worth far much more than money, I've been learning this the hard way myself.

xx Best wishes I really hope you can take some help out of this
 
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