• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Pit of despair...

V

Vostock

New member
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
2
Wasn't really sure where was appropriate to post this, but I feel it has relevance here so here goes. I should probably warn people that this post will contain some sexual issues so anyone who is 'easily offended' or under the age of consent probably shouldn't read it. That's not to say its explicit, I'm just going to be very candid.

My first and only 'real' relationship started when I was 17 and lasted till I was 22. We were both very similar, under-confident, depressed with a low self esteem. Over the years as we matured, she seemed to grow into herself become much more confident and comfortable with who she was, but I never particularly have. I could always see that she was changing and it made me resent her and I suppose act out, often starting petty arguments etc which eventually led to the downfall of the relationship. Be under no illusion though, as much as I'd have a go at her or be mean I loved her with everything I had.

Its been two years now, and moving on from her has been tough, but this is the same with any long running relationship. Days passed and I was inconsolable. Weeks passed and I was unhappy but looking forward. Months passed and slowly the attachment begins to disappear. Years passed and now I'm fairly numb to it. Obviously there will be a side of me that will always love her and remember our time together but I'm by no means the quivering wreck I was when it first happened.

Herein lies the problem however. Quite a long winded introduction, but the real problem isn't so much with her its with me moving forward. Since the break up I haven't been with anyone else, romantically or sexually. I seem to be completely numb, almost dead of emotion toward anyone. I don't long for companionship nor do I long to have sex with anyone.

After the break up, several months later I was set up with a girl by a few friends. We went on a few dates, but I literally felt nothing, not even the urge for some rebound sex. This was understandable to most, it was a long relationship, I was probably still a bit depressed etc etc. But now its been almost three years and I've not been with anyone, nor do I particularly want to.

I've struggled with anxiety and depression in the past, which when I was with my ex led to a few problems with erectile dysfunction but I managed to get through it and have a very sexual relationship. I often worry that this may happen with a new partner - the dysfunction part not the sexual relationship part haha. I know to some it may seem a minor issue, but it really is very embarrassing. I can't tell now if I'm caught in some sort of vicious cycle where by I'm worried that I won't be able to maintain again thus am saving myself the embarrassment OR that I'm genuinely not very sexual as a person thus meaning my libido is low and maintaining is harder (no pun intended).

I've spoken to a close friend of mine about the whole situation who timidly enquired as to whether I may be gay or not. It wasn't something I had ever thought about and given my nature of getting worried and over worked about something the second that was said I did start to panic thinking 'what if I am'. It was however completely unfounded, I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't. I don't and never have had an attraction to the same sex it just seemed to tick a box; fill a void as it were. But alas no good.

So here I am some sort of strange Asexual eunuch type person. I really just wish I knew what the problem was with me as it just perplexes me and is causing me a lot of grief. I don't see how I could go from being so in love with someone, having sex with them to suddenly not feeling a thing. Not even the tiniest amount of 'butterflies' for anyone else - just stone cold. One thing I should probably mention is that I still masturbate on a regular basis and I often wake up with erections so I don't particularly think its a physical problem. I'd really appreciate some advice from someone as I really just have no idea where to even begin trying to change this - and believe me I've been trying.

Many thanks
 
Last edited:
K

kt456

Active member
Joined
May 25, 2009
Messages
38
Have you been to the doctor? It might be worth a visit.

I don't really know what advice to give, and it wouldn't really be my place to, but one thing I have noticed about myself is that when I'm depressed I have absolutely no desire to have any sort of relationship. I don't want sex and I don't want anyone near me emotionally.

I don't know if this is the same for others?
 
V

Vostock

New member
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
2
Have not been to the doctor no, its one of those things I always thought would sort itself out and then 2-3 years flew by.

Probably time to rectify that, I wouldn't particularly know what to say though to be honest.
 
K

kt456

Active member
Joined
May 25, 2009
Messages
38
If it didn't feel too personal, maybe show the doctor what you have written here?
 
D

diddypinks

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
1,946
maybe you loved her so much it will take more time for you to get over her that doesnt mean you are a eunich or anything its just means your being true to yourself too many people rush into relationship to relationship thats whats really unhealthy good luck diddy
 
D

diddypinks

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
1,946
this may sound silly but i thoought i was gay and i spend a whole deal of time worying in the end it turned out i wasnt but just to let you know this is how i worked it out when i was 16 my first crushes were boys. were yours male or female?
 
M

mudslides

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2009
Messages
47
I have this exact same problem. I sometimes identify as asexual just to shut people up. Do you crush your feelings down? I dont know. I feel just the same.
 
elvis the cat

elvis the cat

Well-known member
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
143
Location
herts
i have to say sex is somthing i could quite happly live without (due to past experiance ) ,but do miss companionship .:)
 
Top