phychotic deppression?

A

andy2310

Member
Joined
Feb 28, 2019
Messages
12
Location
manchester
#1
hi everybody

I was hoping for some information regarding my illness and work related.

I have suffered for many years with major depression and paranoia.But i always thought it was because I did not have a very good life and seamed most days were like that.It seamed normal to me.
I would always feel different with my thinking and my head would always hurt.


Back in 2003 around the time my father passed away i was having thoughts of suicide and thought i could hear people talking to me inside my head.Once again i just assumed it was normal and i just had a difficult sad life.

Then one day cutting cheese with a carving knife i could hear in my head something telling me to harm myself.

depression was getting to much for me and i decided after that incident enough was enough and visited my local GP.I did not really be honest with him and kept a lot inside but i went to a psychiatrist and that only lasted a few visits as one of my friends said do not tell them those things,they will lock you up.So i missed a few appointments and never heard anything.

looking back on that now some years later i feel i tried to seek help but being younger i just decided i would be ok and it is just probably normal.And besides how do you tell somebody you think you hear things then friends tell you,you could get locked up.

so i pushed on in life.Or at least tried too.Back then i had seperated from the mother of my child and was very depressed i lived in a flat not far away and was out of work.I became a hermit.always in my flat day and night started drinking.Having bad thoughts.
I think i was in that situation for around ten years just sitting in a one bedroom flat depressed no motivation to make a life.maybe nobody will understand the only words i can use is.trapped.


Years later i did meet a girl from my childhood we fell instant i thought this is it.years and years of being misserable i met a girl and we ended up being married.That helped my illness i would speak to her.
Unfortunitly she was pregnant with twins.My father was a twin.She ended up loosing the twins and it killed us both and drove us apart blaming eachother.Eventually she left me for somebody else.I started to drink and would hear voices sometimes nasty.This may seam strange but when my wife was pregnant with twins we was told they might not make it.So we was going to call one of the twins Hope.


Sometimes i thought i would hear hope in my head and vocies
I was on a downward spiral in life and it seamed to effect my illness ten fold.I was in and out of jobs as struggled in life.One time i was working at argos on nights whilst stood using the conveya ramp a colegue stood in front of me,i could hear a voice saying push the fat bastard down the ramp do it!! do it!! that night i went to my supervisor told him i was ill and was being sick and needed to go home.of course he wasnt happy.Felt safer at home.


Another time working in engineering a colegue and a friend was using a industrial drill machine,he had power off and was doing maintence and we was having a brew.The noise in the factory at times would change into whispers of loads of voices and drive me mad.i could hear a voice telling me to turn the power on.i started to reach out to the power switch untill another colegue seen me and went crazy at me wtf you doing dont turn that on cant you see hes working on it.Same again I went to supervisor and said there was a family member in hospital i need to go home.All this and my wife had left me at the time i was still in love with her i was devestated.not now though as it was 3 years ago.good ridence i say.

After she left me i was drinking voices where worse but i still refused to go to me GP no way am i getting locked up.
I ended up losing the house where i lived and became homeless living in a hostel.Struggling not knowing where i was going in life i had many suicide thoughts.It got really bad.

Untill i close new friend persuaded me to go to my GP and after all these years i was ready for it.It was so bad that in the end the fear of being locked up didnt matter any more as the fear of the voices out wayed that.but for years it was the other way around i was more afraid of being locked up than voices.make sence?

i visited my Gp and was very cagey at first as it was a new area new GP.Eventually i started to like him a lot and opened up fully he refered me to the mental health team and we waited.weeks went by still got no letter of them and my doctor was get frustrated he decided him self to put me on olanzapine.I am now seeing menatal health team and have a lovely woman who visits me regulary and refered me to a psychiatrist.

I have recently seen my psychiatrist and he looks like a policeman he didnt even ask me questions about how i felt ect just simple questions it was so disapointing i was confused he said something like depression with psychotic episodes.anyway i have got to the bottom of that part as ive been asking people here and my mental health woman.So i think im diagnosed with psychotic depression.
Im taking fluoxtine and olanzapine.Some days im so low i dont do much some days im up all night cleaning.like wired.mostly though bad headaches and no motivation.Good news is after being homeless and going through what i have a have a lovely one bedroom flat and i love it.but still feel the same inside like always.The olanzapine seam to make the voices less frequant but do have episodes and voices sometimes.Like voices and whipsers undar my bed.frightening right.Sometimes they make me sleep sometimes l lay there all night awake.im always moving my couch to different parts of the room as i keep thinking someone is watching me in a certain corner of the room so i change couch around often.any one else do these things
Anyway this is the part i need some information with.

So before i was diagnosed i was on universal credit.And when i seen my GP he gave me a sick note.After three months the DWP job center sent for me>so i went albert bridge hall for an assesment.didnt really know what it was for or why.I hadnt been diagnosed by this time it was just depression but i was taking olanzapine.A week later they said i was un fit to work.So i dont have to go to the job center or anything. so i thought great now i can focus on getting better and work with the mental health team.So im told in around 12 months they will send for me again wich is coming up soon.Now before i carry on i just want to to say its not that i dont want to work i do.Its just at the moment with all this going on and visits from mental health and im waiting for a psycholigy appointment its nice not to have added stress from those job center excuse the french arse holes.saying that the lady i see there is very nice.So i need someone here with some knowledge on this.when they reasess me im actually diagnosed with psychotic depression and my medication is fluoxtine and olanzapine will that be suffient for them to say again im still not fit to work or will they say im fit to work.
im afraid that if they say im fit to work it will just make things so difficult as im on this journy to recover
hope any of this makes sence would love to hear what u guys think of my story....boring eh


I have suffered from deppression for many years like most people on the forums.
And voices for many years i believed it was a gift and sometimes friends would tell me never to tell my GP as you will be sectioned and detaned.
This might seam odd to most of you hear but i was more frightened of that than the voices i would hear.

This went on for many years.
 
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boudreauj4

boudreauj4

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 6, 2017
Messages
732
#2
Thank you for telling your story. It's good that you finally got some professional help. Maybe this will help you get out of the rut in your life. For awhile I was afraid there was a man hiding down on the floor next to my bed that might jump up any second and start beating me with a baseball bat. If I dared to look over the side of the bed and at the floor I would then think he had slid under the bed and would grab my ankles if I stood next to the bed. I would have to turn the light on to relieve my fears and this would annoy my wife because it would wake her up during the night.