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Personality Transformation with BPD

SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
113
Location
USA
I have an investigative mind, so I tend to observe changes in my personal life. Lately, I've been going through old social media accounts of mine and I've noticed how difficult living undiagnosed actually was. I remember constantly seeking attention and blindly accepting friendships with people who weren't actually my friends. It's sad to think how much I was hurting back then and leaned towards codependency. These days, I'm quite opposite to my younger self and have accepted that I only sought out those things because I was insecure. Now, I appreciate having time to myself and frequently go on early morning walks to help me relieve tension from the night before. I bet many of you have gone through transformations in your life leading up to the person you are today, it has got to be one of the best feelings I've ever experienced. Of course, there's still minor imperfections like the occasional complaint or opinion nobody asked for but besides that, I'm grateful. I've had self-esteem issues in the past that had affected the way I dealt with close friends and even family. There was this need to fit in and to be liked by everyone which today I know isn't realistic. I had an unhealthy obsession with making friends, to the point where it ended a friendship I had for nearly 8 years. I learned that being a friend means being present and knowing that your friend also has a life. I basically crippled him by acting jealous when he met new friends outside our friendship. What it taught me is that I need to be my own best friend first and that if I want to be heard, I need to be a good listener as well.

BPD can cause a lot of power dynamics, as well as unhealthy boundaries. Crap hit the fan when I lost a close friend of mine and since last year, I've been in constant reflection. I believe that he didn't talk to me for months prior to our falling out because I was an emotional vampire. He would talk about his life, but then I would make it all about me. There was no mutuality between us in conversations, after my junior year of high school, we talked less and less. I was insecure and seeing my friend thriving and meeting new people only made me feel more inferior. After my senior year, I'd go weeks without speaking with my friend. After we met up for crystal convention, we stopped talking completely because he said "I need to focus on school, talk to you in May". Which now looking back, I knew it was actually an excuse because I didn't hear from him in May. In June, we finally broke it off and he tweeted that I was "toxic" which broke me. Since then, I've grown as a person and reevaluated my actions and beliefs. I have since gone to therapy and now I feel better knowing I'm finally on the right track. I'm thinking of writing an apology letter to my friend, but I'm not going send it because it's for my own closure.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
2,774
Location
England
That's a really positive piece of writing but also quite sad that it took you so long to be the person perhaps you should have been from the start. I do think though, that going through all the trials i have been through, has made me a better person than had i been ignorant to pain and suffering of my own and of others i have naturally come across.

Toxic is a very nasty word and although you may have been an emotional vampire, you were not all bad and i am sure the good qualities you have have always shone through. I think he can take at least a small amount of responsibility for not being able to cope himself with being a friend to someone who found life more challenging that the average person. You were perhaps a mis-match in your friendship too.

I agree that apologising now is probably not worth it because i personally feel with my similar friendship breakdowns, that person does not know me anymore i never really knew them, i don't think either of us are interested in going back there, and frankly i am so humiliated and still quite angry with her too.

It is very hard for me not to beat myself up for my failings and how embarrassing it was that i was not perfect. I'm not sure how much i can blame mental illness/hard life, for those imperfections, major imperfections. It's alright for Kanye West as he is clearly unwell, but i don't think it would have been clear i was unwell, just a total nightmare person. Toxic is harsh, i don't think i would describe myself as that.

How do you cope with those feelings? It sounds like you have accepted yourself, faults, completely which is impressive, i wish i could. Memories can be so distressing sometimes.
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
113
Location
USA
I think you're right about our friendship being mismatched because there were things that he did that didn't help resolve our problems. He actually kept a lot of his anger to himself so I went on blindly without knowing how he really felt. Which is wrong because that only creates animosity and miscommunication. Yeah, I'll admit I'm not the best at confrontation and get extremely defensive at times, but I rather get defensive than be lied to about how someone feels about me. I know I shouldn't be too hard on myself because describing myself as "toxic" is going overboard.

Truthfully, the only thing helping me cope is giving myself validation and love. I forgive myself because I know that person was struggling and had hard time being understood. She just wanted to stay in touch with a friend and felt insecure when she herself had a hard time making new friends. She felt like she was taking up space and that made her feel clingy. There was a lot of emotional exchanges through the years and he finally couldn't hold it in anymore. If there's one thing I regret, it was taking a passive-aggressive approach instead of being civil. It was very out-of-character for me to do that.

You live, you learn, nothing is forever. He was a friend, now he's a stranger. I acknowledge the lesson and I'll take the time to never repeat it again. I got help when I needed it the most and now I know that I'm not sum total of my failed friendships. I tried to work with what I knew then and I can only get better, not worse.
 
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