• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Personal experiences welcome

U

ubolt

Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2015
Messages
16
Location
Oz
So, hello to everyone reading this. I'm thirty years old and I've spent the past five years dealing with my mental illness. Originally I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and more recently I've been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. During the time I was first diagnosed I was suffering from delusions. I had delusions of persecution and believed that people could read my mind, and as a result I believed I could be controlled by others. It was a horrible, abrasive experience where I believed every thought I had was public, I had no privacy in my own mind and eventually I tried to commit suicide. After that I was hospitalised, and given medication and the diagnosis. I took the medication for about 18 months and returned to work. I work as a hospital scientist. Eventually some of the symptoms came back, and during an emotionally stressful period when my grandfather died and my mother was looking at jail time i tried to commit suicide again. I was hospitalised again, given medication, risperadone, and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. The symptoms had returned a little, and I guess I just became emotionally fatigued trying to block the constant narrative that ran through my head. The psychiatrist I spoke to said there was no reason that I couldn't return to my career in pathology, but recently I've been considering a change. I try to keep the illness as simple as possible - it is caused by increased levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, where increased levels result in cognitive disturbances and produce the symptoms. The medication works to correct these levels. I don't really know why I'm writing this, I guess it's just that I've always had to deal with this on my own and I would like to finally talk to someone who has experienced similar challenges in their own life, and hear their story. :)
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Welcome to the forum. :hi:

I can relate to some of your experiences.
Although I have a different diagnosis, there was a period of time where I had strange beliefs about my thoughts being listened to and understand how awful it is to feel like you have no privacy in your own mind.

Fortunately, I don't struggle with that any more - but have other anxieties and low mood to deal with.

Your job in pathology does sound very interesting. If you did change your job, is there something in mind that you'd like to do instead?
 
U

ubolt

Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2015
Messages
16
Location
Oz
Hi SomersetScorpio, thanks for making me feel welcome. :hug1:

Luckily my last experience wasn't as bad as my first. It was mainly ideas of reference, some paranoia and I was hearing voices, which occurred when I was on the verge of sleep. It was odd, though. It was kind of like half listening to the radio in the sense that I didn't have a dialogue with them, they were more like running thoughts that created a dialogue with themselves. I just couldn't stop it though.

The medication I take is pretty lose dose and has no side effects, and I've responded well in a short period of time. At the moment I guess what I'm experiencing may be similar to you. I have pretty bad self-esteem and a poor self image and I'm constantly dealing with anxiety. The people that I know literally tell me that I'm a great person, intelligent and just good to be around, but you know what it's like when you just can't believe it for yourself. I did a little work with cognitive behavioural therapy, which describes how a persons thoughts determine their mood which in turn determines their behaviour, and I try consciously to remember the good things I've done. I know that it's how a person thinks about themselves that determines almost everything. The funny thing is, it's so easy to see the good in your friends and wonder why they would have a poor image, but believing it for yourself can sometimes seem impossible. I guess like most things it's a process, and I hope that your mood soon lifts for good. I'm glad that you're no longer symptomatic.

The job had it's moments. I worked at the hospital in the town I grew up in and saw some pretty cool things when I was in the histology (tissue) department and we received specimens from theatre. There were times when patients would be bleeding in casualty or theatre and I'd crossmatch their blood in emergency situations to make sure it was safe. It felt good to know that you've done a good job and your part in saving someones life, but most of my confidence and self-esteem came from work.

Because the place I live in is kind of small (pop: 60 000), word does tend to get around, particularly when your hospitalised in the same place you work and your colleagues come to collect your blood when you're in the mental health unit. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before, for the last three years that I worked there I knew that people knew I'd been in hospital before, they just didn't know why. It kind of made it a bit hard everyday, people would talk and i just had to ignore it and I never felt comfortable talking about it.

I'd like to be a dentist. To me it would mean moving and a fresh start in a different place where no one knows anything about me.

Have you ever experienced any prejudice from people who have known you, or been treated differently because of your illness?

Sadly, sadly, the sun rose; it rose upon no sadder sight than the man of good abilities and good emotions, incapable of their directed exercise, incapable of his own help and his own happiness, sensible of the blight on him, and resigning himself to let it eat him away.
 
Sparklypurplepaws

Sparklypurplepaws

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 12, 2013
Messages
914
Location
Lincolnshire
Hi ubolt and welcome x
I'm having a hard time concentrating atm so I'm sorry if I don't reply to your post fully.
You are certainly not alone, I don't have the same diagnoses as you, but do have similar symptoms. I hear voices, have disorganised thoughts, paranoia that people can hear what I'm thinking and the voices tell me what others are thinking. It's all very confusing and scarey isn't it!
I had to give up my job, which I loved with a passion x but it was for the best, and two years on I'm now ready to start thinking about a career change!
Hugs to you x
 
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