Personal Account: Odd experiences with voices at night

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dontwakethedragon

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#1
Hello, felt the need to post some weird experiences on the forum. Perhaps the spiritual forum would be more appropriate but decide to post here instead. I have recently started a journal recording my experiences of hearing voices. I have been afflicted with the phenomena for approximately two years now. The following entries describe a series of episodes that occurred during hours where I was trying to sleep. The voices often become invasive at night. Oddly this only happens a few times a month. Been dealing with it fairly well the last five months, refusing to interact with the voices. In future posts I will relay my hypotheses as to what may be going on. Feedback is welcome; however I would appreciate information outside the typical medical model.

Feb. 4th

Faint voice rouses me from slumber. I ask it why it commanded me to commit suicide in the past (in a situation about six months ago voices told me to cut my wrists)

Answer: 'Because there is hatred in me'



Feb. 11th 20

One night I was half conscious and was in a hypnogogic state (half-consious and seeing vivid visualizations). Random images flashed violently through my mind. Could feel my head smashing into the pillow as my head and neck convulsed and jerked about without my direct volition. Body was also freezing cold and covered with a tingling sensation. Heard a clear communication with a male voice.

'Thing is, we don't like you that much'

I curse at the voice, then as if to retaliate against my curse, gives me one last violent jerk of the head. I am then fully roused from my sleep. Try going to sleep again. Disturbing images of monsters flash in my head to rouse me every time I start to drift off. The final communication of the night was:

'We are the FBI'

From my subjective point of view it was like the voices or whatever they are, were cracking a joke about the various delusions some people experience of being monitered by intelligence agencies. I failed to find the claim remotely believable.
 
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dontwakethedragon

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#2
*I should also mention an odd thing that happens when the voices talk to me. My lips and mouth will sound out the communication similtaneously as the messages occur in my mind. Very strange and reminds me of 'conscious channeling' that some people in the paranormal feild have experienced.

Feb 14 2012

Tossing and turning at night. On the verge of sleep when cold tingling sensation envelops body. Mind is intruded by male voice. K.H. (initials for an ex-roomate I used to live with. Have heard this voice in my head on prior occassions, always mean spirited) program is reinstated. K.H. mentions the date Feb. 2 again (months ago this voice told me something was going to happen on this date) and 'license exam' insinuating these two items are related. I am told that I was supposed to have 'taken responsibility' on this date and take my drivers test. In reality, I never planned to do such a thing. I have a driving phobia, and while it makes things difficult I can still get around when I need to.

I ask who it really is I'm talking too. It's response: 'you stupid fuck, it's K.H.' Apparently K.H. has telepathic prowess and can communicate with me over long distances. He also supposedly has the ability to see everything I am doing. A very uncanny and unlikely scenerio.

A number of auditory scripts, many of which have been recycled in prior episodes, occur during the course of this nightly session. These include the following:

- That i lack intelligence and the rational disposition to appropriately deal with K.H.'s machinations. K.H. claims to be a superior being. In his words: 'I'm better than you, I'm stronger than you, I'm faster than you and I'm smarter than you.'
-That K.H. is being harsh in order to mold me into a man more like himself.
-That K.H. hates me yet also loves me. An odd combination of affect to be sure. Strikes me as pathological.
-That K.H was helping me not because K.H. liked me, but that as his personal 'project', he was doing so as an obligation to his own self-development.
-Repeating that I am a narcissist who only loves myself and hates everything and everyone in my life.
-That as much as K.H. hates me, he desires that I succeed. (that is to get over my driving phobia and learn how to be a real 'man' )
-That i am an irresponsible person who has accomplished little in life, defining me as a 'loser'
-That all I do is 'bitch and moan' and don't do anytihing about my situation. That I live in denial of this simple truth. This lack of ambition on my part supposedly reinforces my narcissistic nature.
-that all i do is see evil in the world, which is nothing more than a projection of my own internalized hatred.
-That both me and K.H are assholes. K.H. asks me whether i think he is a narcissist. To mitigate any conflict I tell K.H. I don't really know. (Personally the K.H. commentary is reminicent of a borderline personality. However this is a subjective diagnosis based soley on the dialogue expericed)
-K.H. claims he's not telepathic. He's just talking to me in my head. Does that not qualify as telepathy? I found K.H.'s statement ridiculous and infuriating.

Overall, I found the K.H. communications emotionally distressing. I was very conflicted over the situation because as much as I wanted to disagree with the K.H.'s dialogue, I could not help but fear there were some elements of truth to its accusations. I resented K.H's so-called boot camp schooling. Given that in the past these auditory scripts had landed me in the psychiatric hospital twice, and one occasion commanded me commit suicide, I had a hard time believing K.H. (or whatever it is) was doing this to benefit me.

I attained very little sleep that might, perhaps 2 hours at best. Whenever I began drifting off, my arm or head would convulse involuntarily, rousing me completely. In frustration, I desired greatly to blame these autonomous movements to the K.H. phenomena. Part of me felt K.H. (or whatever this intelligence was) was intentionally manipulating my body to keep me from getting needed rest.

Once daylight came, I gave up and in a rage, cused at K.H. in my mind. I did so in fact, until I was literally blue in the face. While I realize such behavior will do nothing to subdue the persecutory dialogue, I felt relieved afterwards.
 
Raina Walks

Raina Walks

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#3
i feel so bad for you...i was in your shoes at this time last year....my voices went away at the end of last july and have not said a word since...prior to that they hounded me for four years...saying and doing similar things to what you have mentioned...i had to take lorazepam to sleep....2 mg knocks me out but now i am addicted...seems a small price to pay for some peace...

i cursed my voices a lot too ... takes a lot of energy...i used writing as a means of communicating with them too ... i wrote them many a nasty letter...every nasty thing they said to me i started twisting around and i said it to them...they could not handle it...and eventually stopped...

it is good that you thought to post your experiences on here...when the voices first started i did not know about the mhf...i joined just a few months before they stopped talking.....

keep fighting them and don't do anything they say...i did that...if they said to do something i would do it differently if it made sense or not at all if it did not...when they said to harm myself i would send a mental image of me harming them in that way...i fought for my life...for freedom from the voices...

wishing you peace....
 
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dontwakethedragon

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#4
A rational appraisal of these events would entice an outside party to conclude that my experiences are causally attributable to the imaginitive operations of the unconscious mind. Or a more novel approach, that the autonomous voices are simply dissociated fragments of my core personality, a sub-personality (or as based on Dissociative Identity Disorder: an 'alter') perchace? While I would desire nothing more than to subscribe to these ideas, the doubting maverick in me has difficulty rejecting the possibility that these repeated events are invasive actions generated by a foriegn intelligence. I cannot help but consider the communications as some externally personified source independent from the interworkings of my conscious and subconscious mind. Therefore, I have two hypotheses:

A) I am dealing with a flesh-and-blood human telepath who, despite claiming to be a good and loving man, is hell-bent on subjecting me to what I can only describe as psychological abuse. Of course, the K.H. dialogue would disagree with my assertion and claim it is 'kicking me ass' to make me into a 'real' man.

However, one cannot help but question the authenticity of this hypothesis. The probablity of human telepathy as the true causitive factor appears unlikely. Based on what little information is available on telepathy, it is unlikely K.H. could transmit a continuous communication, not to mention manipulate a human body over a 300+ mile radius. Furthermore, the dialogue appears to be consistently present 24 hours a day. While I have the ability to tune out the communications without it interfering with my daily activities, I can still sense there is some kind of dialogue in the background. Although K.H. is bipolar and can stay up for days, I have a hard time believing he would never sleep at all. Anyway, K.H. claims that he knows my time schedule and coodinates his bedtimes to coincide with mine. An almost ridiculous assertion in my opinion.

As far as I am concerned, maintaining a telepathic link over a 300+ mile radius unendingly, would require a large resivore of regenerative energy. In such a case this would make K.H. a supremely powerful telepath. In conclusion, hypothesis A seems implausible.

B) A discarnate human or interdimensional/astral intelligence that gets a kick out of imitating the identites of people I know, in addition to posessing human bodies and tormenting the psyche. Given a paranormal source does not suffer from the limitations of 3-D reality (as it is quantum in nature), this hypothesis appears to be more consistent with the pattern of events that have transpired.

One creepy example of why I sometimes doubt the messages are based on my interal repository of knowledge is that during one episode about a year ago a voice (this time claiming to be a woman I knew) said she lived in some small town (don't remember the name anymore) in Texas. Before the voice told me about this town, I had never heard of it before, therefore its name could never have been a part of my unconscious memory. After looking up this 'town' on the internet, I found out it was a suburb in Austain Texas.

In another eerie experience, this time the voice claiming to be a light being or spirit guide made some predictions on some statistical tests I had not yet performed. When I ran the tests, I found the size of the correlations were remarkably close to the predictions the voice had given me (within .2-.5 points). Could simply have been a coincidence, but it sure was strange.

Anyhow, feedback would be much welcome. If anyone else has had similar experiences or anything odd, please feel free to share what happened to you. You have my support.
 
Raina Walks

Raina Walks

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#5
the voices did things like that with me too...and as a result i gave in to them and they had total control of my mind in that i did everything they said for weeks...i spent $15k in three weeks .... they told me what to say to the doctors in hospital...what to ask for to help me with sleep...they do all kinds of things...

if i needed to get somewhere i did not know the directions to...they would literally lead me there without me having looked at a map...just with them directing me...it is heady stuff...

but i told them that i do better on my own...i don't need their help and they need to go away....they kept for a long time trying to prove that i needed them but i kept telling them to go away until one day they finally did...

i have ptsd and could not remember how some people in my past looked like...the voices sent their pictures in my mind and i recognized them right away....whatever this phenomenon it is a very powerful one...i'll say that...but it is more dangerous than it is helpful in my opinion...
 
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dontwakethedragon

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#6
Thank you Raina. Yah after being screwed over by these voices in the past I refuse to do anything they tell me. Haha, funny you mention lorazepam because I take that to go to sleep sometimes. Luckily the bastard voice hasn't messed with me that last few day. I to have sent images to the voices of me harming them. If they do it to me, why can I not do it to them. Glad the voices leave you alone now, that is awesome. I will keep fighting them.
 
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dontwakethedragon

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#7
the voices did things like that with me too...and as a result i gave in to them and they had total control of my mind in that i did everything they said for weeks...i spent $15k in three weeks .... they told me what to say to the doctors in hospital...what to ask for to help me with sleep...they do all kinds of things...

if i needed to get somewhere i did not know the directions to...they would literally lead me there without me having looked at a map...just with them directing me...it is heady stuff...

but i told them that i do better on my own...i don't need their help and they need to go away....they kept for a long time trying to prove that i needed them but i kept telling them to go away until one day they finally did...

i have ptsd and could not remember how some people in my past looked like...the voices sent their pictures in my mind and i recognized them right away....whatever this phenomenon it is a very powerful one...i'll say that...but it is more dangerous than it is helpful in my opinion...
Wow, those experiences of yours are very similar to my misadventures. They are really good at getting you to be dependent on them. One night about a year and a half ago the voices told me to get on a bus. I was dropped off in a town I did not know at all geographically speaking. I got lost and the voices literally took over my body and led me back to the area I was dropped off. Experienced automatic writing as well. Mine also told me to tell doctors different things. Very scary stuff.

You're right they are not helpful, they only lead us down bad paths and force us to make terrible decisions. I've told mine to go away, but they never do. Medication doesn't do a damn thing to get rid of the voices. I think I might be stuck with it. Anyway, I just ignore them. Hopefully one day they will fade out of existence.

Sorry about your ptsd Raina, that's a tough situation to be in. Wish you the best.
 
Boris

Boris

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#8
This is all very interesting... dontwakethedragon, are you currently on any medications, and what are your sleeping patterns like (i.e. are you constantly over-tired/forcing yourself to stay awake during the day etc). Does this coldness/tingling sensation enter your body before, or during these voice communications, and is it present each and every time?
 
Raina Walks

Raina Walks

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#9
Wow, those experiences of yours are very similar to my misadventures. They are really good at getting you to be dependent on them. One night about a year and a half ago the voices told me to get on a bus. I was dropped off in a town I did not know at all geographically speaking. I got lost and the voices literally took over my body and led me back to the area I was dropped off. Experienced automatic writing as well. Mine also told me to tell doctors different things. Very scary stuff.

You're right they are not helpful, they only lead us down bad paths and force us to make terrible decisions. I've told mine to go away, but they never do. Medication doesn't do a damn thing to get rid of the voices. I think I might be stuck with it. Anyway, I just ignore them. Hopefully one day they will fade out of existence.

Sorry about your ptsd Raina, that's a tough situation to be in. Wish you the best.
Thanks dontwakethedragon...since my diagnosis in 2009 i have received treatment and i think i'm through the worst of the healing journey for PTSD...before that i was diagnosed bipolar and with schizophrenia and now schizoaffective disorder because of my hearing voices history...

the only problem is that i don't know if the voices will come back...i don't know if the books i am reading are telling the truth when they say it is possible to heal from ptsd...when i went to the hospital outpatient treatment they said we could heal from depression too...but i have suffered my whole life with it...so i am at the point where i am trying to work through what i call my underlying issues since i have many...over the next two years and then see what i can do with myself and my life from there...

at this time last year i never thought the voices would be quiet a year later...i remember i started meditating ... i would say a prayer that i had written for me by a psychic and then i would start saying over and over again "I am free of hearing voices" and would believe that with everything in me and while they kept talking...i started living my life as though they were already gone...i remember it was difficult because i would be walking from a to b and they would be talking and it would affect me emotionally...i remember feeling weak in the knees a lot when i went out because i wanted to be free of them so badly....but gradually they stopped telling me what to do but not before doing a full blown attack where they were trying to convince me to move from where i am currently living...

my response to them was that i could not imagine where i wanted to go instead and as long as they kept bothering me i could not assess my situation properly and would not be doing anything just because they said so...i also wrote them a nasty letter telling them to mind their own business and i started taunting them telling them in the same overwheming and domineering way to leave where they are living...to move out of their house or apartment...i did to them what they did to me and eventually they stopped doing that altogether....they changed their tune....

my war with the voices was one of the hardest that i have ever fought and i don't know what i would do if i heard a voice again...i would be very upset...

wishing you what i called 'quiet in your mind'.....i kept saying to myself that was what i needed....a life free of voices....

when they went away...for about four months i was afraid that they would come back...i was always listening for them...i think it was only in january of this year six months later that i started waking up not expecting to hear voices....but ever so often i still have that fear...
 
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dontwakethedragon

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#10
This is all very interesting... dontwakethedragon, are you currently on any medications, and what are your sleeping patterns like (i.e. are you constantly over-tired/forcing yourself to stay awake during the day etc). Does this coldness/tingling sensation enter your body before, or during these voice communications, and is it present each and every time?
Hi Boris. My sleeping patterns conform to the norm for the most part (7-8 hrs of sleep per day). It's just that once or twice a month the voices or whatever will bug me while I'm sleeping. The tingling sensation washes over my body about the same time as when the voices come into the foreground. The tingling doesn't always accompany the intrusion, but is fairly common. Sometimes my body will move without my direct input. and this too occurs sporadically.

Also I should note, while I call them voices, most of the time they are just 'thoughts' without a sound associated with them. The thoughts are always present, it's just that they kind of pulse in the background (they are very faint) so I can tune them out easily. Only time the thoughts are pronounced (and have a 'sound' to them )is when I am interupted in my sleep on some occassions.

Medications: taking lamectal (mood stabilizer) and busperon (for anxiety). Used to take an antipsychotic back when a doctor thought I had undifferentiated schizophrenia, but it didn't fade out the voices/foriegn thoughts. Thing is, schizophrenia doesn't really fit me either. Have solid reality testing, never suffered from disorganized/fragmented thinking, zoning out etc.

As far as my mental health status currenly, I was diagnosed bipolar by the last psychiatrist I saw. However, I don't experience any severe mood swings, rapid speech nor do I remain awake for long periods of time. Never really euphoric/manic and never really depressed either.
 
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dontwakethedragon

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#11
Thanks dontwakethedragon...since my diagnosis in 2009 i have received treatment and i think i'm through the worst of the healing journey for PTSD...before that i was diagnosed bipolar and with schizophrenia and now schizoaffective disorder because of my hearing voices history...

the only problem is that i don't know if the voices will come back...i don't know if the books i am reading are telling the truth when they say it is possible to heal from ptsd...when i went to the hospital outpatient treatment they said we could heal from depression too...but i have suffered my whole life with it...so i am at the point where i am trying to work through what i call my underlying issues since i have many...over the next two years and then see what i can do with myself and my life from there...

at this time last year i never thought the voices would be quiet a year later...i remember i started meditating ... i would say a prayer that i had written for me by a psychic and then i would start saying over and over again "I am free of hearing voices" and would believe that with everything in me and while they kept talking...i started living my life as though they were already gone...i remember it was difficult because i would be walking from a to b and they would be talking and it would affect me emotionally...i remember feeling weak in the knees a lot when i went out because i wanted to be free of them so badly....but gradually they stopped telling me what to do but not before doing a full blown attack where they were trying to convince me to move from where i am currently living...

my response to them was that i could not imagine where i wanted to go instead and as long as they kept bothering me i could not assess my situation properly and would not be doing anything just because they said so...i also wrote them a nasty letter telling them to mind their own business and i started taunting them telling them in the same overwheming and domineering way to leave where they are living...to move out of their house or apartment...i did to them what they did to me and eventually they stopped doing that altogether....they changed their tune....

my war with the voices was one of the hardest that i have ever fought and i don't know what i would do if i heard a voice again...i would be very upset...

wishing you what i called 'quiet in your mind'.....i kept saying to myself that was what i needed....a life free of voices....

when they went away...for about four months i was afraid that they would come back...i was always listening for them...i think it was only in january of this year six months later that i started waking up not expecting to hear voices....but ever so often i still have that fear...
Wow Raina you had a tough go of it. I can't even imagine what it is like to have PTSD. I can only hope you are getting the support and healing environment you deserve. Currently I'm taking a year off school to get back into mental shape. Going to an anxiety group next month and doing some volunteer work for a suicide hotline in march.

Unfortunately, as far as my situation is concerned, I can't risk telling my family that I still hear the voices, otherwise I'll end up back in the hospital and put on antipsychotics that don't work. The thing is I feel normal most of the time. No mania, no major depression, just these annoying voices. Once I talked to my mom about possible paranormal phenomena. Even though she believes in things like astral influences and possession, she doesn't believe that it was possible in my situation. The thing is, the symptoms I have are very reminicent of the paranormal experiences people have described in the literature on the subject. I'm just glad I have this forum to vent to people about my issues. If I told anyone in my real life that I believed in this stuff they would instantly label me unstable and throw more pills at me. It sucks that I have to keep these things to myself most of time.

I am happy for you for sticking to your guns and banishing these voices out of your life. It must be pretty awesome to wake up and not have to think about how your going to have to deal with them. I too sometimes taunt the voices, especially after they ruin my night and keep me from getting sleep. For me, the best tactic is to tune them out and ignore them, that way they don't impact me cognitively or emotionally.

How did meditation work for you? I've been thinking of embarking on that route, could do me some good and with some work, hopefully quiet the mind. I think I also could benefit from being more positive and possibly praying to postive sources for protection. Don't know if will work. I can only hope there are good forces out there that can counteract these nasty influences in my mind. I have some interest in gnosticism. Perhaps there is a benevolent thoughtform of Sophia out there watching over us. Sometimes I think it is my own skepticism getting in the way of receiving the benefits of positive spirtual sources.

Funny also that you mentioned a psychic. I actually saw a psychic about four months before I started to experience voices. When I saw her, she seemed to sense something and asked me if I was bipolar. At the time I had never been diagnosed with the disorder. Maybe she picked up on my future? Lo and behold after my hospitalization I was diagnosed as bipolar (even though the diagnosis doesn't seem to fit very well). The psychic also said my family loved me, but they won't really understand me and what I experienced. Well, her prediction is pretty spot on for the most part as my family is pretty much in the dark about all the crazy things that happened to me.

Wish I could say that I believed that all I was experiencing is just in my mind, but at the end of the day, after all the wild experiences I had, I can't shake the feeling that I'm dealing with some kind of spiritual intrusion of an entropic sort.

Thanks for listening to me babble Raina. Just had to get it off my chest. It's nice to have someone on the forum to relate to.
 
Boris

Boris

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#12
Unfortunately, as far as my situation is concerned, I can't risk telling my family that I still hear the voices, otherwise I'll end up back in the hospital and put on antipsychotics that don't work. I'm just glad I have this forum to vent to people about my issues. If I told anyone in my real life that I believed in this stuff they would instantly label me unstable and throw more pills at me. It sucks that I have to keep these things to myself most of time.

How did meditation work for you? I've been thinking of embarking on that route, could do me some good and with some work, hopefully quiet the mind. I think I also could benefit from being more positive and possibly praying to postive sources for protection. Don't know if will work. I can only hope there are good forces out there that can counteract these nasty influences in my mind. The psychic also said my family loved me, but they won't really understand me and what I experienced. Well, her prediction is pretty spot on for the most part as my family is pretty much in the dark about all the crazy things that happened to me.

Wish I could say that I believed that all I was experiencing is just in my mind, but at the end of the day, after all the wild experiences I had, I can't shake the feeling that I'm dealing with some kind of spiritual intrusion of an entropic sort.

Just had to get it off my chest. It's nice to have someone on the forum to relate to.
Hi there I do believe in things like posession too. I still haven`t ruled it out... you mentioned these thoughts always being there, but you manage to keep them distant. I was wondering if something is breaking your sleep (breathing problems/sleep apnea, this cold/tingling sensation, or just a bad dream)? Thing is when you`re just coming out of sleep, you won`t have the presence of mind to control these thoughts, and as such they will be more prominent.
I was also thinking why KH? How did you find this room mate while they were living with you? When this person left, did it have any impact on you? I don`t believe in telepathy, and even if it were possible, why would someone want to pick on you?
Meditation will benefit most people, apart from calming the soul, it is a great form of mind control, i.e. take back ownership of something that maybe running a little wild.
If you are suffering from sleep apnea, try positioning your pillows upright, and learn to sleep in an upright position (I find it helps me), as does a well ventilated, but warm room.
You`re right when you say you can`t mention this to the powers that be, as it`s just a great excuse to prescribe you more medication etc.
Please let me know your thoughts on what I`ve written here, and keep us informed as to how you get on :)
 
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dontwakethedragon

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#13
Hi there I do believe in things like posession too. I still haven`t ruled it out... you mentioned these thoughts always being there, but you manage to keep them distant. I was wondering if something is breaking your sleep (breathing problems/sleep apnea, this cold/tingling sensation, or just a bad dream)? Thing is when you`re just coming out of sleep, you won`t have the presence of mind to control these thoughts, and as such they will be more prominent.
I was also thinking why KH? How did you find this room mate while they were living with you? When this person left, did it have any impact on you? I don`t believe in telepathy, and even if it were possible, why would someone want to pick on you?
Meditation will benefit most people, apart from calming the soul, it is a great form of mind control, i.e. take back ownership of something that maybe running a little wild.
If you are suffering from sleep apnea, try positioning your pillows upright, and learn to sleep in an upright position (I find it helps me), as does a well ventilated, but warm room.
You`re right when you say you can`t mention this to the powers that be, as it`s just a great excuse to prescribe you more medication etc.
Please let me know your thoughts on what I`ve written here, and keep us informed as to how you get on :)
Hi Boris thank you for your input. I don't suffer from any sleep disorders. I seem to be half conscious when these events occur. Sometimes it may be associated with a dream, most times not. I also agree that telepathy is very unlikely. I believe telepathy is possible but not over vast distances or for 24 hours a day. I think someone might pick up on a thought or emotion of someone else or send a short message to somebody, but that's about the extent of it.

I'm not sure why K.H. seems to be such a prominent theme. I lived with him for about a year and half before getting hospitalized. I always did feel uncomfortable around him though. He himself was bipolar and a little of a hothead. He had a slight fixation on masochism and freudian psychology (he was an art student, if that means anything) Even when I was living there sometime the K.H. voice would tell me move out of the apartment. Pretty comical really. Why would someone assault someone telepathically if the could just tell you to move out face-to-face? This whole telepathy thing seems like a load of crap (or maybe a trick used by a negative energy attachment?)

The K.H theme has also been accompanied by other auditory programs such as 'spirit guide' 'telepathic peers from school' 'demons' etc. Right now K.H. seems to be the primary program.

What i find most odd is that when I allow myself to 'tune in' to the voices, my mouth will sound out the communication without my direct control. Maybe my unconscious mind is just taking control of my physical functions? But it appears to be so 'intelligent' and knows what it's doing. Anyway, I'm coping positively now and just ignore it for the most part. I think I could benefit greatly from meditation.
 
Boris

Boris

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#14
I think you are spot on with the meditating. Do you get this coldness/tingling at any other times, except for in the night?
 
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dontwakethedragon

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#15
No not really.

Only instance was during my very first episode about a year and half ago, I was fully conscious, lieing on my bed being tormented by the voices when my body suddenly erupted with a cold feeling followed by a hot electric sensation. Chest had an immense pressure on it. Then my back arched. Body went into convulsions as the voices told me a bunch of nasty things. Also expounded that they were 'opening me up' 'cleansing me' 'and exorcising my body'. Felt more like a full blown possession to me. I guess a medical explaination could be that I was having an epileptic seizure, but with most of the literature i read about it, most people are not conscious during the seizure. Also typically, the psychosis that follows certain seizures does not last more than a few weeks. I also was hearing the voices about a month before the convulsive event.

A few weeks after that episode, I was trying to get sleep. I had my eyes closed and a bunch of images of people and geographic locations flashed in my mind. Have never seen these people or places before. Voices were talking to me and were annoyed that I wasn't falling asleep. Angry, I said something mean to them. A few seconds later I had a panic attack followed by severe convulsions. I fell on the floor and my head banged against a bookcase. I literally thought I was going to die. Almost felt like the voices were punishing me for getting angry at them. Of course this is all conjecture. The doctors would tell me I'm bipolar and have epilespy. They can say whatever they want, but I know what I experienced, and as a graduate student in psychology I'm pretty sure I can differentiate these disorders from what actually took place.
 
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Boris

Boris

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Jul 20, 2010
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#16
That sounds really nasty. Thinking back, can you see any pattern regarding these voices waking you up, and any events leading upto it (maybe trouble sleeping the night before, going to bed at a different time those nights it happened, a change of diet, stress etc etc). I was just thinking if you could roughly predict a bout of it happening, maybe you could counteract it with sleeping tablets etc. Sorry I can`t be of any further help. Meditating has also got to be a good positive step forward too. I wish you early success :)
 
Raina Walks

Raina Walks

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Messages
2,403
#17
hi dontwakethedragon,

i tried ignoring the voices but did not work for me....they were too overpowering and the things they were saying were too horrid....when i was at work i likened the experience to sitting there working on a legal document while my boss stood over me yelling a barrage of insults while expecting me to work, work fast and work well...needless to say i could not do it for long...

people would give me the feedback that my voice sounded tortured...i sounded like i was under a great deal of strain...this girl i worked with would always say that i sounded 'awful'...i felt like i was under physical, emotional and mental torture...

i did use meditation and the voices did not like that....and i used prayer too....

they were 'at' me for so long and i have had them on and off since i was 8 years old so it is hard to believe that they have been sent packing for good....i think if i go off my meds and go 'off' even slightly they may come back...they seem to be at their worst when i am at my most vulnerable...

i don't give the meds any credit for making them go away but they did help me get some sleep so that i got a break for a few hours each night....if i can pick up a pattern as far as my life is concerned...when my life is topsy turvy the voices come...when i seem to regain my strength and things are looking up and since they were not successful at taking my life or causing me to then they go quiet...

every time they came back they would talk about everything that happened since they last left...

also...for years i would see disturbing images of me being sexually assaulted or humiliated...sometimes when i was wide awake...i was frightened for a long time and then i changed positions mentally and became the aggressor...except mentally i decapitated the person committing the heinous crimes against me....i felt better after doing that mental exercise...like i took my power back....

i hear you about not being able to talk to anyone in your family...neither could i nor friends...i find that unless the other person has experienced it too they don't understand and they tend to wonder if i'm making it up....it is a lonely place to be...sometimes when they are at their worst i just wanted someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay but of course that never happened.....

i remember calling the distress line and they hung up on me when i said that my voices were driving me crazy...whoever i was talking to was not comfortable so she got out of the call...she said bye before she hung up and sounded really freaked out....

the only way i could get help from the distress line was if i called and said i was hearing voices but the voices stop talking when i am having a conversation with someone else...would they talk to me for a while so that i could have some peace....they would talk about the weather, what was on the news whatever to distract me...but they could not handle details about what the voices were saying to me...they found that frightening...

i experienced incidents of the voices taking over my body too...it did feel like possession...they also caused me pain...suddenly a part of my body would start to hurt and i had to keep working or walking telling myself that it was not real pain it was the voices...

they even made me feel one day like i was being raped...yep...they were that awful....and that powerful...

please keep posting...i started posting on here when i was hearing voices but the hearing voices sub forum was not that active back then...

i can understand your thinking that this experience has a spiritual element....they harped on my every misdeed and mistake and said that i had to pay.....what got me off that train of thought was the fact that they kept repeating that they were on everybody else's side against me....then they proceeded to wish all of the worst things on me...all kinds of misfortune and they were so loud...i fought back by telling them that i wish it right back on them and that i did not believe that any of that would happen to me...

i think writing, prayer, meditation and then after a while i started reading out loud because they did not talk when i was talking or else i would journal out loud into a digital tape recorder....i would say what i felt about what the voices were saying and doing into the digital tape recorder...i found myself talking into the tape recorder for hours because they had said so much that i had a lot to respond to...it was soon after i started doing that they changed their tune and eventually went away....

just today i went outside my apartment for the first time in weeks and as i walked i remembered that at this time last year i was walking the same route while they beat me up with their words etc. i was so happy to be free of them but honestly they raged on for four years so i am still getting used to life without them...

take care of you today....and know that you are not alone...i still consider myself a voice hearer because they have been there for 34 of my 42 years on and off and in different ways...ruining my life every single time they 'struck'....
 
D

dontwakethedragon

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Feb 1, 2012
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125
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Nowhere, United States of AmeriKa
#18
That sounds really nasty. Thinking back, can you see any pattern regarding these voices waking you up, and any events leading upto it (maybe trouble sleeping the night before, going to bed at a different time those nights it happened, a change of diet, stress etc etc). I was just thinking if you could roughly predict a bout of it happening, maybe you could counteract it with sleeping tablets etc. Sorry I can`t be of any further help. Meditating has also got to be a good positive step forward too. I wish you early success :)

Thank you Boris :)

Not sure I have noticed a direct pattern. I sometimes wonder if perhaps negative emotional states could feed into these experiences. I know one source that describes negative energy attachments, had indicated that going to sleep when in a negative mood may help facilitate psychic attack. I also tend to ruminate on my experiences a lot, which may border on obsession; this could exacerbate the problem. What I would like to work on is learn how to successfully transmute negative emotional states into positive ones. Hopefully one day I can figure that one out.

Interestingly, I have noticed that when I take a lorazepam as a sleeping aid I tend to avoid the experiences. Wish I could predict when they happen, but alas I have not yet been able to do so.
 
D

dontwakethedragon

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Joined
Feb 1, 2012
Messages
125
Location
Nowhere, United States of AmeriKa
#19
hi dontwakethedragon,

i tried ignoring the voices but did not work for me....they were too overpowering and the things they were saying were too horrid....when i was at work i likened the experience to sitting there working on a legal document while my boss stood over me yelling a barrage of insults while expecting me to work, work fast and work well...needless to say i could not do it for long...

people would give me the feedback that my voice sounded tortured...i sounded like i was under a great deal of strain...this girl i worked with would always say that i sounded 'awful'...i felt like i was under physical, emotional and mental torture...

i did use meditation and the voices did not like that....and i used prayer too....

they were 'at' me for so long and i have had them on and off since i was 8 years old so it is hard to believe that they have been sent packing for good....i think if i go off my meds and go 'off' even slightly they may come back...they seem to be at their worst when i am at my most vulnerable...

i don't give the meds any credit for making them go away but they did help me get some sleep so that i got a break for a few hours each night....if i can pick up a pattern as far as my life is concerned...when my life is topsy turvy the voices come...when i seem to regain my strength and things are looking up and since they were not successful at taking my life or causing me to then they go quiet...

every time they came back they would talk about everything that happened since they last left...

also...for years i would see disturbing images of me being sexually assaulted or humiliated...sometimes when i was wide awake...i was frightened for a long time and then i changed positions mentally and became the aggressor...except mentally i decapitated the person committing the heinous crimes against me....i felt better after doing that mental exercise...like i took my power back....

i hear you about not being able to talk to anyone in your family...neither could i nor friends...i find that unless the other person has experienced it too they don't understand and they tend to wonder if i'm making it up....it is a lonely place to be...sometimes when they are at their worst i just wanted someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay but of course that never happened.....

i remember calling the distress line and they hung up on me when i said that my voices were driving me crazy...whoever i was talking to was not comfortable so she got out of the call...she said bye before she hung up and sounded really freaked out....

the only way i could get help from the distress line was if i called and said i was hearing voices but the voices stop talking when i am having a conversation with someone else...would they talk to me for a while so that i could have some peace....they would talk about the weather, what was on the news whatever to distract me...but they could not handle details about what the voices were saying to me...they found that frightening...

i experienced incidents of the voices taking over my body too...it did feel like possession...they also caused me pain...suddenly a part of my body would start to hurt and i had to keep working or walking telling myself that it was not real pain it was the voices...

they even made me feel one day like i was being raped...yep...they were that awful....and that powerful...

please keep posting...i started posting on here when i was hearing voices but the hearing voices sub forum was not that active back then...

i can understand your thinking that this experience has a spiritual element....they harped on my every misdeed and mistake and said that i had to pay.....what got me off that train of thought was the fact that they kept repeating that they were on everybody else's side against me....then they proceeded to wish all of the worst things on me...all kinds of misfortune and they were so loud...i fought back by telling them that i wish it right back on them and that i did not believe that any of that would happen to me...

i think writing, prayer, meditation and then after a while i started reading out loud because they did not talk when i was talking or else i would journal out loud into a digital tape recorder....i would say what i felt about what the voices were saying and doing into the digital tape recorder...i found myself talking into the tape recorder for hours because they had said so much that i had a lot to respond to...it was soon after i started doing that they changed their tune and eventually went away....

just today i went outside my apartment for the first time in weeks and as i walked i remembered that at this time last year i was walking the same route while they beat me up with their words etc. i was so happy to be free of them but honestly they raged on for four years so i am still getting used to life without them...

take care of you today....and know that you are not alone...i still consider myself a voice hearer because they have been there for 34 of my 42 years on and off and in different ways...ruining my life every single time they 'struck'....
Wow Raina, those are terrible experiences. So sorry you have had to endure such torture for so long. It seems like the one thing the voices are good at is cultivating fear. The more fearful we are, the more powerful the voices become. Amazing that they dissipated after you did the tape recording, prayer and meditation. This gives me some hope.

That distress hotline you spoke of sounds very unhelpful. Can't believe they hung up on you. I plan on volunteering for a hotline service in the near future and there is no way I would hang up on someone for being a voice hearer. Maybe that stems from my experience with hearing voices, hence it would be easier to lend support to someone hearing voices. At any rate, I'm sorry you did not get much support from them. So many people seem to be afraid to go anywhere near the contents of what we go through. Like you said, we are sort of in a lonely place, (no-mans-land). As much as would like to share our experiences with others, we cannot do so. We tell them about it and then they either brush it off as fantasy, or that we are still unstable and need to get fixed-up.

You spoke of feeling like you were being raped. I had that experience as well! During my first episode (after I had gone into convulsions been moved around like a puppet on a string), I was paralyzed in terror while the voice said it was going to rape me. I then felt a painful sensation in my rectum, like I was being anally penetrated. Man that was bizzare and scary.

Glad you did that tape recorder thing. What a great idea. I too have found keeping a record very benefical. In my case, it has given me a sense of satisfaction and helped validate my experiences. I intend to continue writing about my experiences and look to meditation and invoking the support of higher spiritual principles. Hopefully in time the voices will go away for good and stop harrassing me at night.

I have gotten angry at them as well and reflected at them what they have directed at me. Not sure if this is a really effective tactic as negativity likely only fosters more negativity and futher attacks in the future. My ability to ignore them most of the time seems to diffuse their potency. The more I interact with them the easier it is for me to be emotionally and rationally disarmed. Every time I tried debating with the voices, I lost every time. They are very proficent and pushing my buttons and planting seeds of doubt.

After being a participant to such shocking phenomena, it's difficult for me to deny the spiritual dimension. I wish I could accept the medical model explaination but I am unable to do so. I suppose the healthiest approach would to be open to multiple possibilities and not get locked into a specific belief as to what I went through. At the end of the day, there is no way to prove the involvement of negative entities one way or the other. Who knows, maybe these voices are a manifestation of the primal contents of our unconscious, archetypes gone wild perhaps? Anyway, most of the literature I have read on this stuff seems to agree that we must be resolute when dealing with the voices and do our best not to give into reactivity (fear and suspension of logic) as this leads to our disempowerment and lends them control over our lives. Looking to a higher power also seems to help (sometimes indirectly, as the higher power helps us help our selves). Anyway, going with our intuition may be a way of how the higher powers communicate with us. I still need to work on that one.

It really is amazing that they seem to strike at the most inopportune times. It's like once you get in a good space, they decide to ruin things for you. After my first episode, I managed to get back on track and made some new friends. I was having some (what I perceived) to be some genuine positive expereinces. I was doing well in college again and enjoying teaching assisting. Then boom! I have a second attack and end up having to quit school and move back in with my family. My thesis has been completely derailed and when I go back to university I'll need to figure out how to write and defend it in one year. Also, by the time I return, most of the friends I made will have graduated and moved on. It's gonna be tough starting over. Feels like my life seems to go in circles, always seem to experience the same mistakes and pitfalls over and over. Maybe some kind of Karmic debt is involved.

I guess in way, I'm trying to look at the voices as being a part of the spiritual lessons I need to learn in this life rather than just antagonistic enemies. Definately harsh and difficult lessons to learn, but perhaps necessary for teaching me how to grow. My ego tells me to just think of them as evil enemies and that I am a victim. While it is true that I was a victim of these voices, now it's my responsibility to figure our how to deal with them. This is a big test for me.

I definately look forward to posting more on this forum. I hope you do as well Raina. I greatly appreciate having someone to talk to about this stuff. I wish you well. You have been through hell having had to deal with them for 34 years. I hope they are gone for good and leave you alone. May you have good days ahead. I look forward to hearing from you again.
 
A

askjesustohelpyou

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#20
Dear dontwakethedragon, Please check your messages on this forum. An alternative explaination for what we are going through is that angels exist and you are communing with Satan's angels and they will lead you and others away from God. Please ask Jesus to help you! Please consider that these beings are real and they want to hurt you. Please stand firm. It is what you do that matters. Do not believe them if you think you have surrendered. Please do not do evil, whether to yourself or others.