- Mar 30, 2019
Throughout the years, another person started to develop in my head. I think it all began when I was around 14 and I've realized their presence but didn't know what it was. When I'd be mad and angry, I'd start thinking about murder, robberies and bad things that I could do... but when I was 15, I gave that person in my head a gender, an age and what they were like. They never had a name, because I didn't know who I, myself was. And it's hard, because when you don't know who you are, you really don't know anymore. I know it's not a disorder, because I'm not taken over, and I'm present for all of it. I'd say it's kind of like another personality, but not an actual different person. I guess it's an idealized person that I want to be, but I can't because I was born different. I never met my real father, but I have a step-father in my household and our relationship ended when I was 10 years old. He acts narcissistic and has characteristics of a sociopath, and he's always hypocritical about things. I think the person I created was in place of my father, and it feels good because I at least have a father figure in my head that can give me that feeling that I can't really explain. I can feel him around when I play certain music that gives me an adrenaline rush, or like I said, I'm furious and want to commit something bad. I've wanted to see a therapist, but opening up about this stuff would probably make them think that I'm insane or crazy... I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what real life is, all I can say is I don't know because I simply don't know. I don't know what to call myself, I don't have a name... and if I do make a name, I start to think too much about it and want to change it again, I'm just stuck. I don't think anyone will understand this thread but if you made it here, wow.