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Persistent, clinical, major lifelong depression. My story... need help and guidance

J

Jeffmax

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Minnesota
My name is Jeff. I have been dealing with clinical depression since I was about 16, I’m 34 now. I grew up with an abusive father, both physically and emotionally. I was a star athlete with straight a’s and nothing I ever did was good enough for him. I was still abused, called a failure regularly and was physically abused for no reason whatsoever. This continued regularly so it became embedes in my brain that I would never amount to anything. Regardless of what I did, it was never good enough. So, the idea of being a failure has stuck with me for life. Throughout the years I’ve tried MANY medications, endless therapists and psychologists without any success. I’ve never been able to embrace my dull potential. Nowadays, I lay in bed excessively. I barely make it to work and have lost all close friends throughout my life. I think EVERYDAY that I would be better off dead although that’s not an option I would ever follow through on. Thorought my life, I’ve developed severe anxiety and paranoia with EVERYTHING. It’s alwyas the worst case scenario. I’ve lost everything I used to love to do. I simply sleep and go to work. I’ve lost hope in getting the right help answer proper treatment . I’ve tried nearly everything including intensive outpatient treatment. I don’t want to be like this and cry everyday because of it. It’s hard to be social, is rather run away and into my bed. I feel like I’m reached a dead end. I don’t know what to do.. I’m miserable from the second I wake until the second a fall asleep. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I feel my life has been a waste. All this self worthlessness has been embedded into my brain and I am completely out of answers. I’m hoping to find encouragement and a sense of direction of how I can gain my life back.. I want to be happy. Every single day is an extreme struggle. Again, I feel like I’d be better off dead.. my mental illness is far greater than your typical depression. Help.
 
daffy

daffy

Well-known member
Moderator
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
13,840
Location
hiding behind the sofa
Hi @Jeffmax and welcome to the forum.
It does sound as if your in a really deep depression. You say you’ve had treatment in the past , was it helpful at the time if so maybe you could start it again. Also are you o any medication . It took me several years to finally get the right mix foe myself. Please go back to your doctor and ask for another referral to a psychiatrist . Childhood trauma plays a big part on our MH as ive went thru it and believe it or not I’m just getting the right therapy now (I’m now retired) and its really helped me come to terms with what happened and my depression has eased considerably. Just because it hasn’t worked in the past does not mean it never will, you just need the right therapist. Wishing you well
 
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