Perfection

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Veemarie

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#1
I have suffered from ptsd manifesting in anxiety depression and hysterical episodes - it’s multiple childhood traumas and has always been present. My problem is that as a result I have always been a massive fantasist I want everything to be perfect to make
Up for lost time and also because my younger sibling died and I feel like I have to go extra at my life for her. I’ve achieved a lot and it’s never enough - I live in a world where I need it to be like a movie and it’ll all turn out right and when it doesn’t I fall apart and it triggers my sense of helplessness that comes from my ptsd experiences.
At the moment my biggest issue is if someone is even a small amount unpleasant or I feel attacked in any way esp at work -where it is all women and I’ve recently joined -it makes me feel that it’s all ruined and I need to start again. I can’t keep starting again and people disliking me is fine it’s the showing it .. I am so upbeat and helpful at work to avoid any reason to be mean but they find them. I need to know if anyone else has this perfection issue and how to ignore these (what others would see as minor) interactions. I had a big melt down and two days in bed last week because I Was late for training because of a bus and my boss was nice but firm about it. The idea that her image of me is not perfect broke me - and the face she said to me after how glad she is to have me and how great I am means nothing :(
Help!
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#2
Veemarie, :welcome: to the Forum. As you indicate yourself, this perfectionism isn't healthy. For example, your boss was displeased when you were late but she is acting her part, what she thinks is expected of her. Later, she felt badly and gave you praise to try to undo her previous harshness. What you can take away from this is that she automatically without thinking reacted at first. Upon reflection, she realized your worth and that no one can control a bus.

What they say at co dependents anonymous is :: "I have no power over people , places and things."

Trying to control everything sets you up for failure. I am sorry your sister died but turning it into a defense against death is not a mature way to cope.
 
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Veemarie

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#3
Logic

Veemarie, :welcome: to the Forum. As you indicate yourself, this perfectionism isn't healthy. For example, your boss was displeased when you were late but she is acting her part, what she thinks is expected of her. Later, she felt badly and gave you praise to try to undo her previous harshness. What you can take away from this is that she automatically without thinking reacted at first. Upon reflection, she realized your worth and that no one can control a bus.

What they say at co dependents anonymous is :: "I have no power over people , places and things."

Trying to control everything sets you up for failure. I am sorry your sister died but turning it into a defense against death is not a mature way to cope.

I know it’s not healthy my logic just won’t kick in - in the moment. My sisters death makes me reckless and vulnerable as I try to go in some sort of movie style quest for a happy ending to make it all mean something,
It’s heloed me achieve a lot this strategy but it’s also hurting me when it doesn’t go exactly right.
My intense therapy round starts on Friday and I will have to go into details about the traumas during this five session part.
Worried it’ll make me even worse ....
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#4
Perhaps I should say useful way to cope. It isn't working for you, so it has to change. You seem to be very hard on yourself. Who was hard on you in the past ?? Now is the time to have Compassion On Everyone, Including YOURSELF.

Therapy will not make you worse in the long run but in the short run you may feel worse because you are digging up stuff; like opening up an old wound. But it is a healing process.
 
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Veemarie

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#5
My parents really let me
Down and I brought myself up - three of the major traumas stem from them. I try to be so so good to everyone I volunteer lots I want the world to be nicer but I know it’s not - I simultaneously live and don’t live in the real world :( I just wish I could ignore or compartmentalise the negative x
 
Poopy Doll

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#6
Therapy will not make you worse in the long run but in the short run you may feel worse because you are digging up stuff; like opening up an old wound. But it is a healing process.

I'm so very happy for you that you are starting something useful and helpful on Friday. :loveshower:
 
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Veemarie

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#7
Thank you it’s so great to have a place to talk - my friends and partner are fab but ultimately don’t know how it feels - knowing this is here helps
 
Poopy Doll

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#8
You know, I was raised by morons but they were also raised by morons. It seems the foundation we've been given is a negative one and it just bleeds through. Every time I get triggered I go through the same stuff again. But now it only lasts a short time instead of all month. That's progress I guess.
 
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Veemarie

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#9
You know, I was raised by morons but they were also raised by morons. It seems the foundation we've been given is a negative one and it just bleeds through. Every time I get triggered I go through the same stuff again. But now it only lasts a short time instead of all month. That's progress I guess.
It is!!!!! Small wins are good - I don’t practice what I preach though! My parents were morons and also brutal I have a very skewed view of family and don’t have any contact with anyone now - sometimes that’s better!
 
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mily87

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#10
Veemarie,

I had to reply to this as I could literally have written this post (besides your personal loss). I have this perfectionism complex too. You described it perfectly when you said it’s like a movie that has to go just right and if it doesn’t it’s like the world is ending and you want to start again. Problem being there is no restart button for life!
Unluckily for me my parents moved around a lot which gave me plenty of opportunities to “start again” and mess up again because let’s face it, life is never like it is in the movies.

The thing is like you I know that logically this is silly and doesn’t make sense but I can’t seem to shift it. Sometimes it’s so bad I have thought about dying because of it.

Coping strategies?
I do have a few... I used to be deathly afraid of making decisions, in case I made the wrong one, like pick a movie that wasn’t good (daft I know). Now me and my partner have a shit list. If I pick a movie and it’s crap it goes on my shit list. It doesn’t seem to bother me so much because he has one too and makes light of what otherwise would really bother me.

With interacting with others and concerns about them not liking me or seeing me as perfect I use a lot of imagery like picturing myself in chain mail so that what they say doesn’t hurt me and I can laugh at myself. That works at picturing them in silly Sinareos too.

I still really struggle with things like Xmas though. If that isn’t perfect I really struggle to cope.

I know that this is all part of my trauma from when I was a kid. That I was expected to be perfect and at the same time berated for not smiling enough and constantly told I wasn’t good enough. It’s hard. If you ever want to talk about it I would love to hear from you. It means a lot to know someone has felt the same way
 
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Veemarie

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#11
Hi Milly
I am the same!! We moved a lot too and my parents made me the scapegoat for anything that ever went wrong. It’s exactly like choosing a movie I hate decisions I torture myself choosing I flip flop and drive my partner crazy - I have this stupid fear it’ll go wrong and it can’t!
Christmas is the same and parties- I host elaborate events and parties and spend them stressing about their success. Christmas I always cry and I am the same as In I’m looking for it’s a wonderful life and mostly get an anti climactic home alone 3.
I know I hurt myself with my expectations they are pure fantasy - I fantasise I’ll find an old expensive antique and make millions - I buy a scaratch card convinces I’ll win. I Day dream a famous director will nearly knock me over in his car and then ‘discover’ Me -and
It crushes me when these stupid things don’t happen.
I live in Disney or narnia not the real world and the worst thing is I know it’s stupid. I know it was my escape as a child from the loss and abuse but as an adult I still can’t shake it.
I love the chain mail idea I want to try that!



Veemarie,

I had to reply to this as I could literally have written this post (besides your personal loss). I have this perfectionism complex too. You described it perfectly when you said it’s like a movie that has to go just right and if it doesn’t it’s like the world is ending and you want to start again. Problem being there is no restart button for life!
Unluckily for me my parents moved around a lot which gave me plenty of opportunities to “start again” and mess up again because let’s face it, life is never like it is in the movies.

The thing is like you I know that logically this is silly and doesn’t make sense but I can’t seem to shift it. Sometimes it’s so bad I have thought about dying because of it.

Coping strategies?
I do have a few... I used to be deathly afraid of making decisions, in case I made the wrong one, like pick a movie that wasn’t good (daft I know). Now me and my partner have a shit list. If I pick a movie and it’s crap it goes on my shit list. It doesn’t seem to bother me so much because he has one too and makes light of what otherwise would really bother me.

With interacting with others and concerns about them not liking me or seeing me as perfect I use a lot of imagery like picturing myself in chain mail so that what they say doesn’t hurt me and I can laugh at myself. That works at picturing them in silly Sinareos too.

I still really struggle with things like Xmas though. If that isn’t perfect I really struggle to cope.

I know that this is all part of my trauma from when I was a kid. That I was expected to be perfect and at the same time berated for not smiling enough and constantly told I wasn’t good enough. It’s hard. If you ever want to talk about it I would love to hear from you. It means a lot to know someone has felt the same way