People say that love cures depression, but what if love causes depression?

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idontlikechristmas

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#1
People say that love cures depression, but what if love causes depression?

Love is a painful thing. In fact, I’m questioning whether feeling love at all is worth the hurt that it brings. It’s especially more painful when it’s not reciprocated. Unrequited love is something that I, unfortunately, am far too familiar with.

The first time I fell in love was with someone for 3 years who never even batted me an eye. They barely even thought of me as a friend. They weren’t a good person at all, to this day they aren’t. But love is a bizarre thing. Despite seeing all her faults, and being hurt by her countless times, my heart still beat harder when she was around. The most painful thing was the desperation. To be noticed, to be looked at, to be acknowledged. I was desperate for something, anything. For this reason, love is a dangerous thing. It makes you do unimaginable things, ones that you wouldn’t do for anyone else. Yet they’re all in vain, because the person still looks right past you. It feels like you’re screaming in a room full of people but nobody can hear you.
You feel worthless.
You stop recognising yourself in the reflection, because you’ve morphed into the faceless creature that you hoped they’d fall in love with.

The second time I fell in love was in fact a lot more painful. I came to realise that falling in love with someone that hated me was actually a blessing, because I knew there was no hope from the start. It’s worse when you allow yourself to get hopeful, only to have your heart ripped out of you chest. When people said in books or movies that heartbreak gives you physical pain, I thought they were being melodramatic. That’s just poetry, isn’t it? It can’t be true.
Yet, the first time I experienced heartbreak I was proven wrong. I had found out that the man I was in love with had mutual feelings for my close friend whom I had known for years. In fact, she was one of the first people I told about my feelings towards him, and I regularly came to her for advice. Betrayed, that’s how I felt.
Betrayed by my own obliviousness.

It’s hard, I’m still very close friends with him. Does he understand how hard this is for me? Of course not, he has a girlfriend who he loves wholeheartedly. He’s happy. There’s no way he would understand what it feels like to always be drowning.

One of my most painful memories, to this day, is the day my best friend broke down before me at a coffee shop.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop loving you, or fall in love with anyone else.”
The words that were like a death sentence in my heart. That night, I went home and cried alone. Both due to my own grief for my dear friend’s struggle, and the truth that it resonated to my own situation. He’s moved on now, he’s happy in his own relationship. But I haven’t. The words still plague me today, eerily echoing my own feelings towards the man I’m still in love with.
If I broke down in front of you too, would you shed tears for my sake? Would you also feel pain on my behalf? Or are my concerns not grand enough for you?

You told me that you care about me. That you love me, as a dear friend. But don’t you realise that I can’t allow myself to believe that? You can’t care about me, because that’s too hard for me to imagine. I have to tell myself that you hate me, that you don’t care. It’s less painful that way.

And yet, please don’t walk away from me. Please don’t leave me, don’t you dare let me go. When I ask you to hold onto me, you do so half-heartedly. Your hugs just never feel tight enough. Can’t you just squeeze harder and harder until there’s nothing of me left? I want to die anyway, so dying in your arms doesn’t seem like a bad way to go.
But of course, that won’t happen. Your tight hugs are saved for someone else, after all.

It’s strange how during a time when I don’t feel anything, the only constant in my life is you. I no longer feel sad about anything else, and I no longer feel happy. I don’t get frustrated or annoyed anymore. The only feelings I have are towards you. Be it love, or hurt at that love being one-sided. You’re the only one that makes me feel at all. And still, do you even notice me at all? From my perspective, you’re my whole world. But from yours... am I even in your peripheral?

If I could write an alternative future, I’d simply want one where I’m by your side, even if it’s just to watch you live your life from a distance. You don’t need to acknowledge me at all. Your laugh is remedy enough on its own, even if it’s not directed at me. Just please, don’t cry. I’ve shed enough tears for your lifetime on your behalf.

If I collapsed to my knees before you, would you lower yourself to my level or just watch me fall apart from a distance?
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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#2
There's a wealth of interesting books on the subject of healthy love versus love/infatuation/unhealthy love. It sounds like you could be a love addict who picks inappropriate people to fulfill a pattern that you are stuck in. I read the main handbook for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and they gave examples of relationships that don't work. If you are seriously done with the drama, you might find books on the subject useful. You deserve better than you are getting.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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#3
So if you feel an intense love, why not follow it? It’s a gift albeit a difficult one, and it could potentially bring you a lot of joy. Although it helps to not fall for unattainable people, I guess.
 
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somedaymaybe

somedaymaybe

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#4
Love isn't a cure, though sometimes it's brings light into someone's darkness. As well as sometimes people have light, and love comes and the darkness follows. There is no one or the other, every situation is different. I believe that if love has caused more harm than good, then you need to move on. Love is not always this big, positive and beautiful thing. If you've fallen for someone you cannot be with, then it is not meant to be, most likely.
 

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