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People problems, isolation, depression, bpd

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dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,004
Hi guys.

I don't really know what to call this thread. Sorry for long post, if you can read at least some of it, then you will probably will get an idea of the problem I am having.

I am starting a new job and am fucking terrified I'm not going to be able to cope because of my problems with people. Also this 'people problems' thing is effecting my day to day life, and has been for a while.

I basically have got a massive problem where I really don't want to be around people at all in any way. Interactions with people trigger strong emotional responses and panic, so I just stay indoors.

Right now, where I'm at, I don't want any real life social interaction, don't want to go out... and even if I did want to, I wouldn't be able to, because when I want to meet up with someone I know, they don't reciprocate. They just say yeah sure, then ghost me. I got tired of asking people to meet who don't want to. I am also terrified of meeting new people. Hopefully this post will explain why.

I think it is linked to my depression or BPD or maybe my personality.

It's like I'm physically afraid of them but I am also afraid of forming any kind of relationship, even like a working relationship or acquaintance because I feel like I literally do not understand how to interact with people at all.

There are reasons for this based in my childhood, and I was a loner pretty much all through school and I avoided people at all costs. Then I had further problems interacting with people and making friends, into adult life. Even though I've made 'friends' in recent years as an adult, all but one or two of them have rejected me. It makes me feel useless.

I can chat to you all online and I still know one or two people from more recent years that that I keep up friendship with online as they live far away.

But I don't actually interact with ANYONE on a social level in real life and I have been like this for a long while now. I am starting a new job next week so it is pretty terrifying because...

People physically drain me out and make me feel tired. I find dealing with people so exhausting, because of the fakeness of it all, and because I don't understand them. I used to really want to be friends with people but I adapting to not being able to have friends, by saying to myself "okay I literally don't give a fuck anymore." and staying in.

Sometimes I think i might have some form of autism because I can never understand the way people behave. They always frustrate me and I have become quite people-avoidant and quite people-hating. I like to talk with people on the forum because we have common points, but in the real world, I can't relate to other people.

This might well be related to BPD.

I am paranoid, I am always so worried that I am upsetting them with my words, or saying the wrong thing. I am also quite impulsive and can be very annoying to be around. Obviously because of depression I can have quite negative ways of seeing things, which doesn't exactly attract people to want to be around me. I am literally so terrible with people. It takes me a long time to feel liked by anyone, and even then I don't trust them.

I feel like the whole of social interaction is just people being fake with each other because my lived experience is that my 'friends' aren't there for me in the end, or end up not liking me... so what is the point of making friends, if they are just going to be disloyal? I also dislike myself and feel like a physical freak. This is grounded in experience, people know I'm weird and they make fun of me jokingly, or I'm disliked.

Please can someone offer me some advice, maybe from their own experience? How can I make the first steps, particularly into my new job? It is giving me terrible anxiety.
 
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Zoe1

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Jul 8, 2019
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I think sometimes we expect too much
from a friendship at whatever level it has developed to

especially something that I do myself !

I want someone to take me on
lock stock and barrel
without so much as a how do you do

currently trying to keep things light hearted

I should do that with my relatives too
but that is harder

:grouphug: 🌠
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,004
I think sometimes we expect too much
from a friendship at whatever level it has developed to

especially something that I do myself !

I want someone to take me on
lock stock and barrel
without so much as a how do you do

currently trying to keep things light hearted

I should do that with my relatives too
but that is harder

:grouphug: 🌠
thanks for reading all that and replying Zoe. Yes, I think that is one mistake I have made in the past... I don't really get why it is so much to expect humans to be loyal to one another but it seems the way it is. Definitely, expecting too much, or expecting people to give same as I put in the friendship.

But I have made certain friends with whom I have developed a certain level of trust, built over the period of a year or two years, who I felt comfortable with, that have severely let me down. For example, one friend who also has BPD, who I have had some fairly deep conversations with, who knows how bad mine gets, and she's there for me... but only if I text her in crisis, but the rest of the time she just agrees to hang out but then never will. I literally haven't seen in her ages and ages now because she is always too busy. I know she has her own issues and I fully respect that and want to be here for her too when I can. I tell her I want to be here for her or I would love to see her, she says the same, but then flakes on me. I don't know. It just seems like these are the kinds of friendships are make. I know it's hard to make friends in real life when you have mental health problems, but in the same way not having friends feeds back into the mental health problems as I feel ever increasingly deserted and alone (in real life).

On here I feel supported, but in real life I just want to shut the world out because I literally trust no one anymore.

I definitely agree you need to keep things light hearted, but unfortunately I can have quite an intense character sometimes. I find it hard to just not take friendship seriously, it is in my nature to take it seriously. As a result I only have one real life friend, with whom i share quite a strong friendship, but who lives far away from me. As far as i see it, the rest are just flakey abandoners who never could deal with me in the first place.

Reading back posts like this makes me realise what a terrible, needy, insecure and deranged person i really am.

Thanks again for reading all this depressing tripe. I hope I don't bring you down.
 
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Zoe1

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why it is so much to expect humans to be loyal to one another
im not always a big fan of loyalty
because I feel sometimes people use that
to justify staying in a rut

loyalty and trust have to be earned
and built up over time

im also a very intense person
and I'm really only showing the extent of that online at the moment

because as you say it will put most people off
if they feel they are being made into my therapist
or my ' safety person ' as one person put it

:hug5: 🌠
 
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dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,004
im not always a big fan of loyalty
because I feel sometimes people use that
to justify staying in a rut

loyalty and trust have to be earned
and built up over time

im also a very intense person
and I'm really only showing the extent of that online at the moment

because as you say it will put most people off
if they feel they are being made into my therapist
or my ' safety person ' as one person put it

:hug5: 🌠
Yeah, it is true that no one should be your safety person or your therapist. I 100% agree. But that's not even what I expect, just that when people say I would absolutely love to see you, that they then stick to their word. To me that's loyalty.
Otherwise what the hell are we living for? Just to be lied to?
Hmmmm how long does it take to earn trust though?
 
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Zoe1

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well maybe we make people feel pressurised

I have just thrown a wobbler on email at my step mother
because of some of her views on claiming benefits
and I feel I have pushed her patience to the limit

even if she was a bit tactless

I had to get out of the house and talk to other people
before continuing to email her
or I would have sent her 6 emails in a row
and she is not even related to me

our love is ' conditional ' I think
we think we are giving but really we have high expectations
of getting something in return

:grouphug: 🌠
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,004
well maybe we make people feel pressurised

I have just thrown a wobbler on email at my step mother
because of some of her views on claiming benefits
and I feel I have pushed her patience to the limit

even if she was a bit tactless

I had to get out of the house and talk to other people
before continuing to email her
or I would have sent her 6 emails in a row
and she is not even related to me

our love is ' conditional ' I think
we think we are giving but really we have high expectations
of getting something in return

:grouphug: 🌠
Yes, that is quite wise Zoe. I think I maybe give love, in order to receive the love which I don't already feel. Then when I don't receive it, I spiral back into depression.
That is quite enlightening.
Also it is quite messed up haha!
But I guess all this is rooted in our upbringing somehow. I do honestly think if people had stable bases to go back to as children, then they would feel more stable, and self-reliant in later life, and wouldn't feel this need so much.
But it is good for us to recognise where this is coming from.

Thank you so much for your responses Zoe, you are really making me realise stuff.
Also I don't view you as particularly intense on here, I often see you helping out and being light hearted which is really great to see :)
 
Z

Zoe1

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yes definitely goes back to childhood

thankyou , well that is progress if I'm being light hearted !
ive generally found it quite difficult to learn

ive been practicing with like chatting to people at bus stops and stuff
small talk really most of the time

people generally are very very guarded I find

:)
 
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dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
Messages
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people generally are very very guarded I find

:)
Yeah I find that too... I wonder how they learnt to be like that. Maybe they are just normal haha.
Honestly I just find life so confusing. I find people so confusing.
It's all a mystery to me
 
D

dewey

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Messages
1,004
It's good to be able to talk to other people on here who can relate.
If anyone has any other input or advice I would appreciate so much.
Thank you.
xx
 
Z

Zoe1

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maybe how they were taught to be
to be careful of people who might hurt you
who might want something from you

or because they have alot to be guarded about
if they have children for instance
then they are even more guarded

there was that joke on QI
what did the dikdik do that the dodo didnt

and thats me, the dodo !

:loveshower:
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,004
maybe how they were taught to be
to be careful of people who might hurt you
who might want something from you

or because they have alot to be guarded about
if they have children for instance
then they are even more guarded

there was that joke on QI
what did the dikdik do that the dodo didnt

and thats me, the dodo !

:loveshower:
Yeah, it's so difficult to know how to be.
Yeah, I should be more careful of people who might hurt me, that would have been a good lesson lol. It must be so much healthier to be not like me.
I am literally terrified people are going to hurt me, it really stops me relating to even normal people in real life. But for me instead of being guarded, i just shut them out completely by never going out these days. I think I actually got to the point where I don't want any interaction with people at all which is sort of worrying.
Anyway.
 
Z

Zoe1

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Messages
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Location
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I think I have to be careful
because actually everybody is going to hurt me
and I'm very suspicious of people
the more I get close to someone
the more suspicious I will become
that they ' dont really love me '

even people I have known for years
and I have also lost friends along the way
I think because they felt I had a negative attitude

I work on the idea of ' moving on '
ive got a friendship at the moment
which has taken years to develop any kind of closeness
and she has also her own health issues to consider
and would not tolerate any pressure
I just feel this instinctively

but we have had some deep conversations

I dont feel I could call her in a crisis though
maybe that willl come in time
but I can be very attention seeking
and I might take advantage of someone
that allowed me to call them in a crisis

:grouphug: 🌠
 
Confusedandanxious

Confusedandanxious

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May 5, 2019
Messages
491
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Uk
Wow Dewey, I could have wrote your post.
I've realised that it's not people I hate (my fave saying), it's my reactions to people that I cant deal with. It sends me crazy in my head whenever I interact with people.
It sometimes spills into online. I dont know how many forums I've ran from or created new profiles so people think I'm no longer me, because I feel if they knew it was me theyd just think "ah it's that freak. Ignore"

When I went to work I just remained shy and quiet, until my comfort levels built enough for me to say hi and introduce myself. Torture, but I knew I had to push myself lol.
There is always one person who is easy to talk to and will approach you first. I finally explained to people that I was an introvert. It explained why I refused to go to social gatherings outside of work. It also gave an explanation to how I was without having to go into my mental health issues which made things much easier.

The first day is the hardest. But you've got this! Remind yourself these are work people, not friend people. It helps keep that detachment until you are able to know whether you should trust or not.

Good luck Dewey!
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,004
Wow Dewey, I could have wrote your post.
I've realised that it's not people I hate (my fave saying), it's my reactions to people that I cant deal with. It sends me crazy in my head whenever I interact with people.
It sometimes spills into online. I dont know how many forums I've ran from or created new profiles so people think I'm no longer me, because I feel if they knew it was me theyd just think "ah it's that freak. Ignore"

When I went to work I just remained shy and quiet, until my comfort levels built enough for me to say hi and introduce myself. Torture, but I knew I had to push myself lol.
There is always one person who is easy to talk to and will approach you first. I finally explained to people that I was an introvert. It explained why I refused to go to social gatherings outside of work. It also gave an explanation to how I was without having to go into my mental health issues which made things much easier.

The first day is the hardest. But you've got this! Remind yourself these are work people, not friend people. It helps keep that detachment until you are able to know whether you should trust or not.

Good luck Dewey!
But then how will i make friends ever if my work people cannot be my friend people? I find it so hard to make friends in real life.

Yeah i think it is useful like Zoe says, to think of it in terms of expecting too much and I know I need to expect less from others. Shouldn't give in order to receive. So hard to practice lol.
 
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