People don’t want to talk to me for fear of upsetting me.

A

Allyalz

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
England
#1
Hi. Im
Sorry this is a long post

I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with my third child (I have a 5 year old and my youngest is 4 next week) and my husband got made redundant with only a weeks notice at the end of jan. I’m unable to work because of my mental health, so we’ve been without any sort of income since his last pay (which got halved because they took out holiday days he’d taken when he had no idea they were going to do this) since jan and we are drowning in debt and can’t even prepare for the baby (which for any of the ladies will understand the nesting and preparation instinct is strong at this point) and I’m struggling to keep it together.
Lately to try and bring in some money my husband has been doing take away delivering, but it’s meant I’m left on my own from 4:45-11pm which involves feeding and bedtime with the kids (he’s always done bedtime) and with being pregnant and having medical issues with it, it’s hard physically and mentally im not used to being alone in the evenings anymore.

My binge eating has spiralled out of control and I’m feeling so miserable and stressed out I’m struggling to cope. I’ve tried doing crochet to help distract and do something at night but it’s not working. My dark thoughts are taking over from all the worries.

I poured my heart out Monday night, after being triggered badly by a meeting with consultant at hospital about baby, so I wrote a poem. Part of which said “would anyone notice if I wasn’t here”. I genuinely feel it would be better if I wasn’t.
I posted this on my Facebook as a way to express how I was feeling to people who know me, and partly as a cry because I’m so lonely. Someone, anyone to talk to me. I’m so lonely (I don’t have friends here where I live)

Not one person could message me to even just say “are you ok” “do you need to talk” or even simply a “hi”. Nobody. My 2 sisters in laws just put heart emoji. Ok fine when I’m rational, fine to most people, but as I’m sure someone might understand, with me, that’s not talking to me. A heart doesn’t help me.

Anyway, I cried for hours and pretty much have done every night husband goes to do deliveries.

Last night I got invited to a group chat about mother in laws 60th birthday and they want to go camping. We can’t afford to save for anything at the moment, we can’t even fit us all in the car when we have the baby as it’s too small and the baby will be young and I don’t fancy going camping with a newborn. So I sort of jumped off the deep end and reaponded with “im Sure you will all have a blast” and left the group. Didn’t want to cause trouble but was a bit pissed they hadn’t even asked us first about coming, just added to the group, told the dates and a price list.
My older sister in law messages to say sorry if I offended you.
I was so highly strung by this point I exploded about the whole why don’t you even message to ask if im ok, just put a heart and then a full rant on why we can’t go camping.

Her response was that she doesn’t know what to say to me. She’s scared to talk to me
Incase it’s the wrong thing (in general I can control things over messages as I just wait and respond if I’ve been upset but I’ve never lashed out at her or her younger sister, I don’t do confrontation with people, it’s usually my husband that gets the brunt of everything) she told me to get help from someone who knows what to say before I do something I regret.

I am so hurt. I have told her over and over and over to not be afraid to talk to me as that upsets me more that she feels that way. I spent most my life walking on eggshells frightened not to set my father off, he would literally explode and life was miserable. Im nothing like that in the least. Even my husband testifies to this and could see from my point of view why I feel so hurt. I explained to her why I was so blunt about camping and even apologised and said what’s going on but her response has hurt me so bad.

By her saying these words has not only made me feel like what’s the point in being here if nobody can talk to me it’s made me question if my mental health illness is why nobody bothers with me. It’s made me question if by telling anyone about my illness has isolated myself. It’s made me wonder if I really am like my asshole father.
“talk to someone who knows what to say” omg really, a simple “are you ok” is difficult to say? I don’t want answers. I don’t expect anything, I literally just want to be included in life and people have a conversation with me. I feel like a lepar.

I spent most of last year trying hard to connect with people. If message, ask how they was doing (everyone I know lives miles away where I grew up) and all I’d get is all their problems and not even asking me about how things were, how we’re the kids etc ever. I got fed up of things being one way so I stopped for my own sanity.

I feel completely broken. I don’t know how to carry on.

How does anyone else deal with people who seem to be frightened to talk to them? Honestly I don’t lash out with friends and family, only hubby (and he’s wonderful and understanding and I don’t deserve him) so I’ve no idea why people are scared to talk to me. I’ve explained why I isolate myself at times and they know I’m working hard to cope better with things. What am I supposed to do? Is this going to be the rest of my life - completely friendless and alone?

I’m sorry for rambling.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
504
#2
Are you currently going to therapy? While the delivery of that message was given too harshly, the message is one of concern and care. They do seem to love you, but don’t know what to do to help.

Having a safe space to talk would help you immensely. There are therapists that are covered by healthcare, depending on what country you live. Most of bpd can be stabilized with therapy. It doesn’t help that your body is full of pregnancy hormones, either.

Look into finding some outside help. Even to help you express better what you need from your family.

Hang in there hon. Xo
 
A

Allyalz

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
England
#3
Are you currently going to therapy? While the delivery of that message was given too harshly, the message is one of concern and care. They do seem to love you, but don’t know what to do to help.

Having a safe space to talk would help you immensely. There are therapists that are covered by healthcare, depending on what country you live. Most of bpd can be stabilized with therapy. It doesn’t help that your body is full of pregnancy hormones, either.

Look into finding some outside help. Even to help you express better what you need from your family.

Hang in there hon. Xo
I’ve had dbt lite, I can’t do the full course because I can’t get there (it’s over an hours drive from where I live and I physically can’t do it every week) I see a community psychiatric nurse every 2 weeks or so and I’m under a mental health midwife as well.

I know that it’s concern, but it doesn’t help me, it’s made me worse that she’s frightened to talk to me, and I guess that’s the case with everyone as my younger sister in law said the same thing before now despite me telling them not to be worried. I’ve expressed so many times over the years what I need but they don’t seem to listen.

I’m trying my hardest to keep it all together, I’m trying my best to use the skills I know, but things are so stressed and on top of me I’m drowning and I don’t know what to do to stop it. I don’t feel I have any control over how depressed I feel, Ive tried to do all things I know that help me, I don’t know what else I can do.

Out of everyone my sister in law should understand that pregnancy hormones contribute too, she’s had 5 children. I feel like there is no hope.
 
Lostinthestatic

Lostinthestatic

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2019
Messages
144
Location
New york
#4
You are going through so much I have not experienced, so much pain that even reading it makes my heart constrict and my eyes well up. Just imagining it. I know what it’s like to feel alone, at the very least. I know what it’s like to have your significant other leave—even when it’s just to go to work—and then being an absolute wreck.

And you have the added stress of being pregnant... all those hormones. And children that are already born to take care of. That must be scary, terrifying at times...

I have never been pregnant, I can only empathize.

People have not been afraid to say things to me, in fact will often times say whatever they want and can send me into an episode.

It must feel lonely, to not feel supported.

I can only say that it seems like you do have people who care about you, and they are being careful with you because they love you. Even though I most definitely understand that it has not felt like so.

Sometimes I don’t have any advice, really, I am going through a lot myself I just want you to know you are not alone, you are not alone... even not fully knowing your experiences or having lived through them myself, I can tell you are suffering deeply. I understand I really do.

I wish you health, love, happiness and stability. I believe you can get there... you are loved and cared for even when you feel completely alone. That void and pain inside you makes you feel like you are at the end of rope I’m sure. Stay strong I truly believe in your strength. You have made it this far, that is something to be proud of. Wish I had more helpful words to say. Words can be painfully insufficient.

Be well xx
 
A

Allyalz

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2019
Messages
18
Location
England
#5
You are going through so much I have not experienced, so much pain that even reading it makes my heart constrict and my eyes well up. Just imagining it. I know what it’s like to feel alone, at the very least. I know what it’s like to have your significant other leave—even when it’s just to go to work—and then being an absolute wreck.

And you have the added stress of being pregnant... all those hormones. And children that are already born to take care of. That must be scary, terrifying at times...

I have never been pregnant, I can only empathize.

People have not been afraid to say things to me, in fact will often times say whatever they want and can send me into an episode.

It must feel lonely, to not feel supported.

I can only say that it seems like you do have people who care about you, and they are being careful with you because they love you. Even though I most definitely understand that it has not felt like so.

Sometimes I don’t have any advice, really, I am going through a lot myself I just want you to know you are not alone, you are not alone... even not fully knowing your experiences or having lived through them myself, I can tell you are suffering deeply. I understand I really do.

I wish you health, love, happiness and stability. I believe you can get there... you are loved and cared for even when you feel completely alone. That void and pain inside you makes you feel like you are at the end of rope I’m sure. Stay strong I truly believe in your strength. You have made it this far, that is something to be proud of. Wish I had more helpful words to say. Words can be painfully insufficient.

Be well xx
Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
I’ve ended up falling out with most my in laws now about this and as usual retreating back to myself, don’t want to see any of them, go near them etc. Going to make things difficult when I go into labour but I’m going to insist my husband stays with the children and I’ll do it alone.
I literally can’t cope with life anymore. So as soon as baby born, I don’t want to be here.

Thank you for being kind x
 

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