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Patterns repeated

U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
207
Location
uk
I have been repeating the same patterns of behaviour for the past 25 years, with having BPD, the same issues with interactions with people and in relationships.

The same anger outbursts, the same sensitivity, no-one understands me and eventually everyone comes to dislike me after some time, they can like me at first as I can be friendly and funny but as time goes on my BPD will show without a doubt in different ways. That's when relationships fall apart.

I have always been impulsive and can make bad decisions that i then regret but cannot take back and end up ruining things for myself. Same abandonment issues consistently.

When someone hurts me in someway I withdraw and make them know by the way I behave that I hate them now. This can last for days, weeks or longer depending on how serious I consider what they did to be. Some people can get so fed up with this stonewalling from me as it goes on so long that they then decide they want nothing more to do with me by the time I come round and start to forgive the person it's too late for the relationship to be salvaged.

Interactions with people is what causes me the most emotional distress, ups and downs and worrying. Constant thinking about something that was said to me, going over and over in my mind about someone who shows they don't like me. Berating myself on a regular basis for something I did or didn't do and all to do with people. But there is no escaping people, I have family, work colleagues and some friends but a small circle of friends and have not seen friends in a long time, mostly due to lockdowns but neither I or them make any effort to meet up, it's all mostly messaging. even with family some just put up with me because they have to. Some work colleagues definitely don't like me and I can't blame them actually with some of my behaviour.

It's been the same whoever my friends, boyfriends have been, wherever I work. Because I of who I am, same patterns over years and I am always going to have BPD, so not much to look forward to.
 
HLon99

HLon99

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
812
Location
London, UK
I have been repeating the same patterns of behaviour for the past 25 years, with having BPD, the same issues with interactions with people and in relationships.

The same anger outbursts, the same sensitivity, no-one understands me and eventually everyone comes to dislike me after some time, they can like me at first as I can be friendly and funny but as time goes on my BPD will show without a doubt in different ways. That's when relationships fall apart.

I have always been impulsive and can make bad decisions that i then regret but cannot take back and end up ruining things for myself. Same abandonment issues consistently.

When someone hurts me in someway I withdraw and make them know by the way I behave that I hate them now. This can last for days, weeks or longer depending on how serious I consider what they did to be. Some people can get so fed up with this stonewalling from me as it goes on so long that they then decide they want nothing more to do with me by the time I come round and start to forgive the person it's too late for the relationship to be salvaged.

Interactions with people is what causes me the most emotional distress, ups and downs and worrying. Constant thinking about something that was said to me, going over and over in my mind about someone who shows they don't like me. Berating myself on a regular basis for something I did or didn't do and all to do with people. But there is no escaping people, I have family, work colleagues and some friends but a small circle of friends and have not seen friends in a long time, mostly due to lockdowns but neither I or them make any effort to meet up, it's all mostly messaging. even with family some just put up with me because they have to. Some work colleagues definitely don't like me and I can't blame them actually with some of my behaviour.

It's been the same whoever my friends, boyfriends have been, wherever I work. Because I of who I am, same patterns over years and I am always going to have BPD, so not much to look forward to.
I typically noticed that BPD people tend to dissociate themselves from their actions and behaviour as a means of coping with feelings of shame and guilt. But obviously you have not. Some of the things you said seem quite self aware, but I’m worried that you went too far in the wrong direction. You’re blaming yourself for every misfortune in your life. I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself.

Of course some of the most troubling aspects of what you are experiencing are very painful. They should and can be tackled. But beyond that, we are who we are, there is no cure for that. Certain things you will just have to accept. First acceptance, then resolve to self-improvement. Although I may not know you, I don’t think your outlook is so bleak. You claim that you have problems with relationships which often lead you to push people away. Nevertheless, you have been able to hold down friends, family and employment. That’s an achievement in its own right. It also leads me to believe that your current perception of how things are in your life, the reality is nowhere near as bad. I understand that people with BPD experience this in periods of depression (black/white thinking); where their problems seem insurmountable. To be frank, I feel like you have made much progress in your life materially. All that remains is to settle the conflict brewing inside your head. To reestablish your identity and restore your self-esteeem. This is what you need to work on, either by yourself or with a therapist.
 
HLon99

HLon99

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
812
Location
London, UK
P.S. Although BPD is a very painful condition, it’s certainly not a death sentence. It’s highly treatable. In fact it’s the most treatable personality disorder. People do get better, and, with the right help, I’m positive that you will too.
 
U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
207
Location
uk
I typically noticed that BPD people tend to dissociate themselves from their actions and behaviour as a means of coping with feelings of shame and guilt. But obviously you have not. Some of the things you said seem quite self aware, but I’m worried that you went too far in the wrong direction. You’re blaming yourself for every misfortune in your life. I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself.

Of course some of the most troubling aspects of what you are experiencing are very painful. They should and can be tackled. But beyond that, we are who we are, there is no cure for that. Certain things you will just have to accept. First acceptance, then resolve to self-improvement. Although I may not know you, I don’t think your outlook is so bleak. You claim that you have problems with relationships which often lead you to push people away. Nevertheless, you have been able to hold down friends, family and employment. That’s an achievement in its own right. It also leads me to believe that your current perception of how things are in your life, the reality is nowhere near as bad. I understand that people with BPD experience this in periods of depression (black/white thinking); where their problems seem insurmountable. To be frank, I feel like you have made much progress in your life materially. All that remains is to settle the conflict brewing inside your head. To reestablish your identity and restore your self-esteeem. This is what you need to work on, either by yourself or with a therapist.
Thanks for your reply.

I have friends but I would more consider them acquaintances really, we used to get together once every 3 months before lockdowns and they did things that didn't always include me. I feel like i don't really fit it, that I don't have anything interesting to say, there are sometimes awkward silences, but like you say it is good that we keep in touch and I have managed to keep in contact with them.

I have walked out of jobs or been fired and other times I have just found something else when I start to feel people not liking me. I have been in my current job a while but there are people who make it clear they don't like me. There are a couple of people in my family who don't talk to me at all.

But I am black/white thinking and can't see how some things will change. I try to control my temper and was better for a while. Still the same patterns over years and the hardest is interactions with people that causes me the most anguish. I do blame myself a lot.
 
A

aero89

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 18, 2020
Messages
129
Location
england
I can relate to what you're sharing.

Frustration about repeating same patterns and blaming myself - check

I too withdraw from people and act cold towards to make sure they realise. To punish them.

Self sabotage - check
Over analysis everything anyone says or does - check
Berating myself what I've said - check
Walking out from jobs or intentionally getting myself fired - check

Are you receiving any support @Until
 
U

Until

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
207
Location
uk
I can relate to what you're sharing.

Frustration about repeating same patterns and blaming myself - check

I too withdraw from people and act cold towards to make sure they realise. To punish them.

Self sabotage - check
Over analysis everything anyone says or does - check
Berating myself what I've said - check
Walking out from jobs or intentionally getting myself fired - check

Are you receiving any support @Until
Thanks for your reply.

That's just like me too. I also start pushing people away if I feel they are pulling away from me so that I don't have to go through them rejecting me first and then dealing with mhy abandonment issues.

I am not getting any professional support, are you?

I have read about DBT and looked up how to get it, but it is too expensive for private treatment and none in my area, I think you can get it on NHS but waiting lists are very long. I just go online for support really. I don't take any medication as there isn't any for BPD. I know there is medication for depression and anxiety, I do get anxious due to my overanalysing and worrying but I don't take medication for it.
 
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