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Patterns of thoughts

J

joe12

Member
Joined
Mar 12, 2019
Messages
13
Location
Miami
Hello everyone,
This is a long post so don't worry if you cant read it all
I am 18 and going to college next year
I have always been an overthinker and a slightly anxious person, but for the year I have been experiencing strong anxiety, some new social anxiety and depression. I have also started meditating about 6 months ago, but not regularly. I cant honestly tell if it helped me or not but I have become a lot more aware of my thoughts and pattern of thoughts. i recently realized that there is a list of destructive thought pattern that I have been revolving around for the past 6 years.
Well actually I think they only started when I arrived to Miami from France, which was at the same time I entered sixth grade. I think these patterns of thoughts are the reason i felt insecure for most of this period and up to now. And I can get in more details to why I felt that way at that time. But this didnt stop me from enjoying this part of my life and having fun with my friends, but this still made it hard for me to create good relationships with others and just really grow as a person.
So here is what I noticed and am almost certain it had a huge effect on me:
  • Always comparing myself to others ( Regarding their: Looks/ Social ability/ Humor/ Ability to not care about other people and being spontaneous/ happy people)
  • Fantasy about myself in the future ( becoming this extremely cool guy )
  • Very judgmental of people (very harsh in my appreciation of some people because I don’t think they’re cool enough, or putting them in certain categories because they behave some way) also very analytical (always trying to read their minds and guess why they are acting a certain way)
  • Not like myself enough (insecure about my nose and social relationships and feeling like a boring person) which led me to want to be get drunk as much as I could at social events to loosen up (which worked really well)
  • Regret too many things (didn’t do follow through with this girl I was hitting off with, not friends with someone anymore, didn’t continue playing a certain sport)
  • Too self-conscious of other people looking at me, even in the street (doesn’t mean I get anxious, but I subconsciously always look to see if people are looking at me
  • Fantasy about myself that is often too far from reality ( being this cool guy and having many friends and having all these people appriciate me.
So obviously I am no expert but I believe these things are pretty much hardwired in me because of all my reinforcing behavior. Also I have to acknowledge that that period was actually not that bad: I wasnt an outcast and have friends that deeply care about me, but those are things that I really want to change about myself, and hopefully not so more people like me, but so I can appreciate things more and build better relationships with people in general.
Is it possible to destroy this ego? Is meditation and exercising enough?
Sorry for the long post but feels really good letting all of that out.
 
J

johnsmith2222

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2019
Messages
15
Location
grand rapids michigan
Im just hanging out here man but I can tell you pretty much everyone continues to evolve and change over the years. Maybe I.'m wrong but I seem to remember having of thoughts alot like those when I was younger maybe diffrent or not as strong but your aware of these things. I Think the people here who understand these things will tell you your on the write track. But then again Im just and old Hippie :)
 
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