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Partner with Severe Depression - Am i also spiralling down?

A

Alwayshopeful

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Brazil
Hi guys,

I feel like I have reached my limit. I feel so selfish for saying this, but I just don't think I can do it anymore.
My partner has been suffering with severe depression ever since I met him. It has been more than 8 years already. He had to drop out of College, hasn't ever had a job in his life due to his depression. He constantly tells me that he just can't do it because he is so afraid of failure and has social anxiety.

I really try to be understanding, however it has reached a point where I feel like this will never change?! It has been 8 years. He refused to take medication for 6 years, went through multiple psychologists and psychiatrists, no sign of improvement. He finally decided last year that he would start taking medication, has improved a bit, however has completely stalled ever since.

It is horrible to say this, but sometimes it feels like everything is 100X extra hard with him. Absolutely everything. I feel like I have reached my limit.

I am 26 years old. I am starting to think about bigger life decisions - marrying and having children. This makes me start to question if he is the right person? Will he be able to cope with having a family? How will we cope financially if he NEVER gets better and wont ever get a job? Should I even have children with someone who is severely depressed? Will he be able to look after our kids? Should i just give up?

I don't know what to do anymore. It has been 8 years and I don't see things getting better.
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
189
Location
Germany
Did you talk with him about that?
 
A

Alwayshopeful

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Brazil
Yes, I have talked to him about it. Every time I bring up the subject the answer is as simple as: You don't have to put up with anything.

I don't have depression and it is extremely hard to understand what he going through sometimes. I can't help but feel like he uses his depression as a crutch to never do anything. I have asked him countless times - I don't understand what you are waiting for. It has been 8 years of therapy, you haven't ever even brought up the subject of maybe trying to go back to school or finding work. What exactly are you waiting for?

He always just answers - I am not ready. He insists he needs more therapy and treatment.

My feeling is that he will never be ready. It is something that he will need to face - you can't be ready for something like this. It has been 8 years, I'm not exactly sure what can change anymore to make him ready. Is it wrong for me to think this way? Am i being insensitive?

Once I brought up the subject of having kids. I told him that it concerns me that he might not be able to take care of our children due to his depression. He said that he would never let his children uncared for and that he would try to find a job if needed. What makes me confused is.. Why is that he is willing to try to find a job for his kids and not for himself alone? The fact that he says that he would try to find one for his kids... doesn't it show that he is ready to try to do it?

I'm sorry if I sound insensitive. I am just honestly frustrated and any attempts to talk to him about the subject are even more frustrating. He just shuts me down and says I will never understand him. Therefore, I shouldnt even try to understand him.
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
189
Location
Germany
Dealing with depression is really difficult and people often don't have enough self worth to do anything for themselves. You can't find motivation to help yourself if you don't feel you deserve to be happy. And if every day just surviving takes more energy than you have got, you feel too overwhelmed to do anything else.

When he says you will never understand, maybe he means he doesn't feel supported (I am not judging, just saying that this is maybe how he feels it is). Also maybe he means, he doesn't have the energy to talk about it. The worlds appears very different if you have depressions.

You should believe him when he says he can't do anything and doesn't feel ready. You are also probably right if you think this will never change. I think the most important thing you should find out is if you want to be with him regardless of his mental health and how he handles his life or if you don't want to and maybe value higher another way of living than the one you can expect to have with him (which would be valid too, I am again not judging here).

The annoying thing about depression is that you can't get better without doing stuff, but you can't do stuff without getting better.

If you are really sure you want to stay with him and love him and want to experience having a family with him, you should try to show him the value your potential life could have. He must understand and see what he and you are missing out currently. Important is that it wouldn't feel as an order or expectation, more like a positive goal that would be worth achieving. Show him that fighting for that future would be worth it and make him and also you (!) more happy. And then just help him starting things. It can be small ones. It's just the starting that is so important, but also equally hard. But it's possible if he knows and sees what he is fighting for. And that seeing is so difficult if being depressive.

Make sure you don't attack him for being depressive. Don't ask him what he is waiting for. Understand why he is waiting. Everyone wants to be helped, not forced. Otherwise you could slowly drift into the blame game spiral.
 
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