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Partner Struggling

C

Craigy345

Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Glasgow
Hi All,
My partner is really struggling just now. She becomes very low, very quickly. This often descends into panic attacks and asthma attacks and I'm trying to understand thiNHS better.

I can often see this happening before she does but no matter if I try and diffuse it at an early stage, she cant allow herself to calm down.

This often stems from cross words or petty arguments that really should be over within minutes but it's like she is festering and wont allow an amicable agreement to move on from it even when I apologise(rightly or wrongly, she cant let it go. This can ultimately progress into a full scale barney and can go on for a couple of days.

Believe me, I am far from perfect here and there are times when I cant take anymore if the nastiness and degrading insults which I can retaliate to and I can say some horrid things, which of course makes things worse, as she gets more and more upset and this continues until she is crying and panicky. Now I struggle to understand how someone who ends up feeling so worthless and angry, can start so many needless fights.

The frustration is killing me but I an not foolish enough to think it is better for her. I'm looking for advice on how to resolve these issues and maybe get her to see how nasty and unreasonable she can be before we end up going our separate ways

Maybe I'm being selfish here but it's like I'm fair game for any abuse but the second I say anything back, I'm very much the bad guy.

I'm also not looking for any sort of sympathy, just reaching out for some advice.

This all started when she fell out with her family 2.5 years ago and although she is talking to her parents again, her sister refuses to have anything to do with her and it's got worse over the last year.
 
C

Craigy345

Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Glasgow
Sorry, I should have mentioned, for reasons which I am not comfortable disclosing at this time, she wont go to a doctor for help just now, is there any sort of alternative medication she can look at?

I also want to mention that when she feels better, we have a good relationship, with a lot to look forward to. Good friends, we both have good jobs so no financial worries and we go out a lot together.

I know a few of you may read this and scream at the keyboard about how ignorant I am to it all but i struggle to understand something that she herself doesn't.
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
561
Location
Plymouth
maybe you should look at whether she has anxiety disorder, google anxiety disorder test.
 
C

Craigy345

Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Glasgow
Thank you. I will send the link to her. Are anxiety and panic attacks linked? She seems to sugger from both.
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
561
Location
Plymouth
it is often difficult to diagnose anxiety disorder, people without anxiety disorder can have panic attacks, & people with anxiety disorder can only have mild symptoms, however from my experience anxiety disorder is a debilitating & frustrating condition, & panic attacks aren't nice & can make you abusive.
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
561
Location
Plymouth
& that's where an anxiety disorder test can help, I didn't know what was wrong with me for years.
 
Cpt_Stunning

Cpt_Stunning

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Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
561
Location
Plymouth
the signs are frequent panic attacks, intense frustration with a lot of things, being impatient, wanting it to go away, irritability, not eating sleeping/eating well, loss in interest/lack of enjoyment.

The preventative things are somehow learning to wipe the slate clean in life, accepting what you have in the here & now, learning intense patience, & intense relaxation, getting to nice places like the countryside/beaches, but the main thing is to work out whether she has anxiety disorder or not firstly, I only know about anxiety disorder, I've never had depression.

Anxiety disorder can develop from a nasty experience, where something can get stuck in the mind & won't go away, like a terrible accident or a vicious assault, depression I think is a chemical imbalance, comes & goes, cured by medication, anxiety disorder can't be cured by medication.
 
C

Craigy345

Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Glasgow
the signs are frequent panic attacks, intense frustration with a lot of things, being impatient, wanting it to go away, irritability, not eating sleeping/eating well, loss in interest/lack of enjoyment.

The preventative things are somehow learning to wipe the slate clean in life, accepting what you have in the here & now, learning intense patience, & intense relaxation, getting to nice places like the countryside/beaches, but the main thing is to work out whether she has anxiety disorder or not firstly, I only know about anxiety disorder, I've never had depression.

Anxiety disorder can develop from a nasty experience, where something can get stuck in the mind & won't go away, like a terrible accident or a vicious assault, depression I think is a chemical imbalance, comes & goes, cured by medication, anxiety disorder can't be cured by medication.
Thank you for sharing that, a lot of it rings true from what I can see and from what she says.
 
F

Fallingfromthetop

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Joined
Feb 16, 2019
Messages
157
Location
Slipperyslope
I had a girl somewhat similar to this once, in the end I ended it as it took to much energy from me.

My advice for you as you wanna give this a chance:

Personally this is what I think about why she is picking fights, its the reasons my girl picked fights, now I might be wrong but I just share my thoughts, don't take it as truth for you but if you can get smth from it it might be worth. Her state of mind comes from somewhere, its either your relationship in which case it is doomed to fail but this will be evident over time I think, or its something else in life. It can be unable to handle anger or sorrow with other people so you get to be her vent. It can be failures she had or lack of self-fulfillment. All of these last reasons was my girls problems. Or a number of other reasons. Whatever the cause, her frustration about it is let out on you, because you are what she is most comfortable with, you are the one around when she is home. Yes this is not fair but for someone who has problems actually dealing with stuff in life it is the only way. Emotions need to come out somehow. Lets say she is angry with something, picking a fight with you so she can end up and scream and shout might be what she "needs", what she needs to do of course is resolving the issues properly in life but she is unable to. So a part of solving these issues is for her to learn to handle life better, therapy can help with that. Another way to substitute you as the vent is to get her active in sports the closer to punching a boxing sack the better. If its due to anger she needs to stand there and let out her emotions on the sack, its not a solution but its a substitute and it means you don't have to take it so your relationship can improve. Knowing that there might be a cause that has nothing to do with you, I guess can help you approach the situation with intent of care, love and trying your best to be there for your girl, knowing its unresolved emotions that need release, keep your calm and know that this insults is her anger about other things boiling over basicly forcing her to start a fight with you.

What to do when arguments start? What I did to know it wasn't me was starting ignoring the onsets, the triggers she made. Giving her no excuse to become victim and me the perp so I could later show her that she was the one with problems (when calmed down). I just didn't give her the fight, this prompted her to either pick fights with her family or she took it to next level basicly starting and having the fight herself. This actually made her realize she had a lot of problems and started with therapy. Therapy didn't work fast enough with her though. My lack of reaction was now the problem and she could have a fight with her self basicly for 30min-1hour about this. At this point my love started dying so I never took it to the next level myself. I tried a few times but it just didn't work well. What I would try and do though was to be the bigger man/human. I hear her out, respond to what she was saying, if she insulted me I just calmly reply and ask why she is insulting me and that it hurts, even emotionally I was there 100% invested, I held her tight if she was sad, I gave her love in abundance every way I could think off. After that it was me not being emotional that was the problem, so I gave her some fights without resorting to name calling or anything, I let myself get angry with her but didn't call her names or anything, I basicly got angry in a controlled manner while speaking what I felt was the simple truth, I raised my voice I waved my arms around while telling her that he act was problematic and she needs to focus on getting better. She still not getting what she needed (me loosing control) lost her control even more and raised the insults, and she even hit me and started getting violent. I guess that she was so out of control of her life and her emotions that her one relief was putting me in a state of not being in control of mine to make her feel better. After doing all this and seeing no betterment, in fact she only got worse as she tried to improve her life, I guess it was more evident then how problematic of a situation she was actually in for her and the true emotions came closer to surface, I knew I had to let her go. I did and I do not regret it, I gave it my all and I did best I could. I gave her way more then she deserved for like a year or so but this is also how I know it was the right call to make. Its not easy making these decisions after loving someone for years. But I became the best man I could for her for one year and after seeing nothing getting better I knew there was only one choice left.

My girl was back to 0 the next day after a fight, she had gotten her venting. I was most often not though, it took a big toll on me. So maybe your girl has different issues.

It can also be frustration in you of course. Then its a question of; are you prepared to try be a better man to make this work or not. Don't hurt her back, realize she has some problems, encourage therapy (no meds will really help with this) and try and deescalate fights by being the bigger man, that is calm and there for her no matter what foolishness she goes into.
 
C

Craigy345

Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Glasgow
I had a girl somewhat similar to this once, in the end I ended it as it took to much energy from me.

My advice for you as you wanna give this a chance:

Personally this is what I think about why she is picking fights, its the reasons my girl picked fights, now I might be wrong but I just share my thoughts, don't take it as truth for you but if you can get smth from it it might be worth. Her state of mind comes from somewhere, its either your relationship in which case it is doomed to fail but this will be evident over time I think, or its something else in life. It can be unable to handle anger or sorrow with other people so you get to be her vent. It can be failures she had or lack of self-fulfillment. All of these last reasons was my girls problems. Or a number of other reasons. Whatever the cause, her frustration about it is let out on you, because you are what she is most comfortable with, you are the one around when she is home. Yes this is not fair but for someone who has problems actually dealing with stuff in life it is the only way. Emotions need to come out somehow. Lets say she is angry with something, picking a fight with you so she can end up and scream and shout might be what she "needs", what she needs to do of course is resolving the issues properly in life but she is unable to. So a part of solving these issues is for her to learn to handle life better, therapy can help with that. Another way to substitute you as the vent is to get her active in sports the closer to punching a boxing sack the better. If its due to anger she needs to stand there and let out her emotions on the sack, its not a solution but its a substitute and it means you don't have to take it so your relationship can improve. Knowing that there might be a cause that has nothing to do with you, I guess can help you approach the situation with intent of care, love and trying your best to be there for your girl, knowing its unresolved emotions that need release, keep your calm and know that this insults is her anger about other things boiling over basicly forcing her to start a fight with you.

What to do when arguments start? What I did to know it wasn't me was starting ignoring the onsets, the triggers she made. Giving her no excuse to become victim and me the perp so I could later show her that she was the one with problems (when calmed down). I just didn't give her the fight, this prompted her to either pick fights with her family or she took it to next level basicly starting and having the fight herself. This actually made her realize she had a lot of problems and started with therapy. Therapy didn't work fast enough with her though. My lack of reaction was now the problem and she could have a fight with her self basicly for 30min-1hour about this. At this point my love started dying so I never took it to the next level myself. I tried a few times but it just didn't work well. What I would try and do though was to be the bigger man/human. I hear her out, respond to what she was saying, if she insulted me I just calmly reply and ask why she is insulting me and that it hurts, even emotionally I was there 100% invested, I held her tight if she was sad, I gave her love in abundance every way I could think off. After that it was me not being emotional that was the problem, so I gave her some fights without resorting to name calling or anything, I let myself get angry with her but didn't call her names or anything, I basicly got angry in a controlled manner while speaking what I felt was the simple truth, I raised my voice I waved my arms around while telling her that he act was problematic and she needs to focus on getting better. She still not getting what she needed (me loosing control) lost her control even more and raised the insults, and she even hit me and started getting violent. I guess that she was so out of control of her life and her emotions that her one relief was putting me in a state of not being in control of mine to make her feel better. After doing all this and seeing no betterment, in fact she only got worse as she tried to improve her life, I guess it was more evident then how problematic of a situation she was actually in for her and the true emotions came closer to surface, I knew I had to let her go. I did and I do not regret it, I gave it my all and I did best I could. I gave her way more then she deserved for like a year or so but this is also how I know it was the right call to make. Its not easy making these decisions after loving someone for years. But I became the best man I could for her for one year and after seeing nothing getting better I knew there was only one choice left.

My girl was back to 0 the next day after a fight, she had gotten her venting. I was most often not though, it took a big toll on me. So maybe your girl has different issues.

It can also be frustration in you of course. Then its a question of; are you prepared to try be a better man to make this work or not. Don't hurt her back, realize she has some problems, encourage therapy (no meds will really help with this) and try and deescalate fights by being the bigger man, that is calm and there for her no matter what foolishness she goes into.
Wow, that is some post.
Some of what you say rings very true. She has a lot of sadness with her family- sister refusing all issues to reconcile, being omitted from her wedding etc, Parents and other family not very supportive or interested in what she's doing in life. That said, I haven't been as supportive as I should have been, I used to think she exaggerated how she was feeling especially when she was in the wrong, in a bid to deflect the blame onto me.
No matter how I try to support, its not good enough, I should always be doing something different or better.
Sunday was the worst and even though I knew she was upset in a train to London for work, I couldn't bring myself to comfort her, as I expected it to upset her even more.
I dont start many arguments in our relationship but as they rumble on, i know I say things that I shouldnt say but please believe me, it is when I'm at the end of my rope with the situation.
I am wary of trying to appear a victim here, I most certainly am not but this is close to ending us and we are about to get married in a few months and I want to get my old girlfriend back, she wants thisbtoo but I feel we dont know how to do this at this time.
For some reason it has got worse the last couple of months, things were never this bad.
What sort of therapy did your ex try?
 
MeropeneM

MeropeneM

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
207
I had a girl somewhat similar to this once, in the end I ended it as it took to much energy from me.

My advice for you as you wanna give this a chance:

Personally this is what I think about why she is picking fights, its the reasons my girl picked fights, now I might be wrong but I just share my thoughts, don't take it as truth for you but if you can get smth from it it might be worth. Her state of mind comes from somewhere, its

[...]

It can also be frustration in you of course. Then its a question of; are you prepared to try be a better man to make this work or not. Don't hurt her back, realize she has some problems, encourage therapy (no meds will really help with this) and try and deescalate fights by being the bigger man, that is calm and there for her no matter what foolishness she goes into.
Grade: 11/10


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1551811016724.png
 
F

Fallingfromthetop

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 16, 2019
Messages
157
Location
Slipperyslope
Wow, that is some post.
Some of what you say rings very true. She has a lot of sadness with her family- sister refusing all issues to reconcile, being omitted from her wedding etc, Parents and other family not very supportive or interested in what she's doing in life. That said, I haven't been as supportive as I should have been, I used to think she exaggerated how she was feeling especially when she was in the wrong, in a bid to deflect the blame onto me.
No matter how I try to support, its not good enough, I should always be doing something different or better.
Sunday was the worst and even though I knew she was upset in a train to London for work, I couldn't bring myself to comfort her, as I expected it to upset her even more.
I dont start many arguments in our relationship but as they rumble on, i know I say things that I shouldnt say but please believe me, it is when I'm at the end of my rope with the situation.
I am wary of trying to appear a victim here, I most certainly am not but this is close to ending us and we are about to get married in a few months and I want to get my old girlfriend back, she wants thisbtoo but I feel we dont know how to do this at this time.
For some reason it has got worse the last couple of months, things were never this bad.
What sort of therapy did your ex try?
KBT, behavioral therapy, to make her access emotions and confront situations as they happened, not to carry around shit. I think. I wasn't part of the therapy but that is what I got from what she said.

I just share my experience in hopes it can give perspectives. It mustn't be the same in your case of course, its just what I got to give.

My girl got really talented at making me angry to join the fights as time went on in our relationship, she knew just the spots to press to make me sad and angry.

We also married and it was really only for that reason I gave her another year to give her my all, but to me that was an expensive mistake to make. If I could do it all over I would have postponed the marriage but that is a lot easier said then done with social expectations being as they are.

In my case things really escalated once we got married, was like girl felt or thought she could be even less oversightful toward me once I committed. Maybe it was cause I really did everything I could and she felt that made her abuse ok and she could continue without risking loosing me. What I was hoping for was for her to give back and starting doing for me but it never happened. some 6 months into marriage I started asking more of her while still trying my best, that is when I started playing along more in her emotional game which made her go to therapy. But I divorced a year later after giving her everything I had without results or enough results for me to make it worth my energy. I also slipped into drugs on meds on and off during our last years, and the last 2 months or so I slipped hard into weed and I also went to therapy for my own sake and took anti depressants. The day after I moved out I came clean of everything though.

It sounds like you already given up and that is fair. But I think you need to make up your mind whether you wanna try make it work and then you really need to step up for a challenge to try and set things into a positive spiral. If you don't likely the negative spiral you got going will kill your relationship. And I mean that can be fine I'm just saying if you don't try and change it likely wont change and will continue spiraling downward.
 
F

Fallingfromthetop

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Joined
Feb 16, 2019
Messages
157
Location
Slipperyslope
Personally I got into a serious depression and all my life energy drained trying to fix the relationship I had with that girl. I lost jobs cause off it. And it took me almost 6 months to get properly back on track, luckily I had stashed money and could live at my fathers just playing computer games and chillin for a few months.
 
MeropeneM

MeropeneM

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It can also be a sexual fantasy. Of course, the physical attraction between the two sexes is in the differences. The man has different physical features from the woman and vice-versa. Some women are happy just by noticing and feeling the difference like the muscles, the difference in weight like, the man can be 250lb while she is only 140lb. There's a difference in weight.

Other (rare cases) women aren't happy with just that, in order to feel fulfilled they require to feel that difference in weight...in a much more direct way. That's the only way they can truly be fulfilled.

It's very hard in cases like these. Even if you buy into it, it can end very badly even if you're careful...because she is indeed 140lb and no matter how careful you are...she's fragile.
 
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