Partner depressed, relationship at risk

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Sennyin

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May 18, 2019
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Uk
#1
Hi guys, first post here.

I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years. We own a house and a dog together and have been trying for children for the past 3 years. That is where the problem stems from.

We have unfortunately miscarried 11 times and had a full round of failed IVF attempts. She wants nothing more in life than a child, but this has all taken a very heavy toll on her mental state.

About October last year I started to notice a change in her. She became more distant, her responses to me were aggressive more than her usual bubbly self, so it was obvious something was wrong back then. I figure it would be the fertility issues and decided to take some of the strain off her and make sure there were no chores in the house left so she could spend more time relaxing or seeing her friends and family without having to worry about anything else.

In December she went to her works Christmas party and the day after admitted to me she had slept with one of her work colleagues after the party. She was very apologetic and appeared genuinely scared she had ruined things and lost me. I forgave her.

In January she admitted she was depressed and signed up to a gym and hired a personal trainer in hope it would help her overcome the depression.

All the while he depression appeared to be getting worse.

In February she told me that she feels like we’re more like friends than in a relationship, we are in a rut.

Since that point everything has been very up and down. One day she will be very positive and want to do things and a few days later she will be low and want to cancel. She even booked a holiday for us in March and between then and now has wanted to cancel it and then will be looking forward to it the next day, then cancel it the next. She also wants to sell our house one day and then doesn’t want to sell it the next.

As an example, she was bikini shopping this morning for the holiday, and this afternoon wants to cancel.

I agree we’ve fallen into a bit of a rut, and have insisted for a while that that won’t change until we start doing things together and going out. But with the depression it’s hard to get her to agree to go out. She also keeps telling me that she loves me, I’m her best friend in the world and I’m the only person she trusts to talk to, but that I would be happier with someone else.

Personally, I love her more than anything, and I will do absolutely anything to help her out if the depression as I strongly believe that it’s the depression talking and not her - that if she gets over the depression our relationship could be back on track.

My problem is that the up and down and never knowing where I stand is affecting my mental state. I’m having regular panic attacks and the feeling of a tight chest. I’m not able to focus in work, and most of the time don’t feel like talking to anybody but her, which is ironic as she’s the only one that barely speaks to me. I would hate to go through all this to be dumped in the end. She also has said if we sell the house we would be over, but still great friends. I’m afraid I can’t do the friend thing, I couldn’t watch her move on and hear about it.

What do you guys think? Is the depression making her push me away? Should I back off and give her space?

I want to help but don’t want to battle through all of this if in the end I get crushed.
 
wolram

wolram

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Feb 22, 2019
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Warwickshire England
#2
Hi Sennyin

You do not say if your gf is on any treatment or meds, if not I would seek out a phyc for her and get her properly diagnosed, It certainly sounds like she loves you but being ill is making her
indecisive.
 
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OCDguy

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#3
So sorry to hear of your relationship woes :hug: there are a few things that don't make sense. The sudden out of character behaviour and the sudden changes of mind. Rather than jumping to conclusions, it might be worth looking into it further. Has she spoken to her GP recently :hug:
 
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Sennyin

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May 18, 2019
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Uk
#4
Hey wolram, no medication or therapy so far. I’ve gently suggested the idea, but don’t want to push it too hard or make her feel pressured to try them.

OCDGuy - yes it seems odd to me. One pattern I’ve noticed is she’s much better Monday to Friday and then bad at the weekend. Possibly because work takes her mind off things. One thing to note is that her father has really severe bi-polar. Unsure if that is something that can be passed on through genes. Also like my answer to wolram, I’ve suggested seeing her GP but as of yet she’s unwilling to do so. Her GP has been a bit useless throughout the miscarriages - they refused to see her for any pregnancy related issues for the past 2 years
 
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OCDguy

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#5
Were the pair of you offered any support for the miscarriages? Her frequent sudden change of mind could be compared to something or someone telling her not to. ...
 
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Sennyin

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May 18, 2019
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Location
Uk
#6
Were the pair of you offered any support for the miscarriages? Her frequent sudden change of mind could be compared to something or someone telling her not to. ...
Hey buddy - no, no support was offered
 
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OCDguy

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686
#7
Perhaps it's time to approach your Doctor(s)
 

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