Part two, building up a satisfying life, responsibilities & pleasures..all are welcome to join in

tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Oh I got the shits so bad that yesterday was awful. I still have a lot of clean up to do but I was sick and weak yesterday. Got the comforter washed. Spring break is over and I stayed up too late last night. All I really need to do for class is a quick review as I had already worked on today's topic. Got the washer and dryer going. I am so not in the mood, I need another week off! better make some more coffee! I know, coffee and the Rachel Maddow news show!
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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I really did not feel like going to class yesterday. Did not want to get dressed. But I did, I have had too many absences already. Once there I was glad. I have found the perfect shirt I need for my dress outfit. I need a shirt and I need $20 to get it 1/2 off before it is gone. Joe is going to try to come up with a 20 for me today. crossing fingers, it matters so very much to me. I want it that bad! I am wasting time. I should be studying. I am working on reading a difficult book on agriculture...just looking for different things I need to be able to finish my paper. Also have regular homework. and an upcoming test to study for. What I really want is to get high.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Wow. ok. Well I am all out balls to the walls or have been until I just can't do a single thing more.
I did get the shirt I wanted. "my inmate"'s mother asked me to do the design and decor for when she gets out. She got a new release date THIS year. That was a 4 day non stop binge project. Then I started getting behind on coursework but got in touch with an old friend from years before and wrote a short novel to him. Then the prof would like to hear about my time in Argentina. I spent 8 hours writing one day and lost it all. The next day I wrote it over and did a much better job but it was 10 pages. I have a test due that I meant to study for before I got distracted with these other projects. I am completely depleted now. I took a nap but that wasn't enough. I am empty. I am hungry but we are broke. It is time for me to go to Golden Corral buffet. A week and 1/2 until we get paid. That is going to feel like a long time. I asked David to make me a pot of coffee to bring me around or I was going to fall asleep again and I have not been up from my nap long. I am trying to get more smoke but that means staying up late. Golden Corral is one of the only places I can eat a salad and I am seriously needing one. I haven't been eating enough but I could barely choke down the tuna sandwich David made. I can't believe he ate that big slow cooker of pintos & ham steak already. I only got one bowl. There is almost nothing here grocery wise but I just remembered we could do salmon patties tomorrow. I like those and there is very little that sounds any good at all. Class tomorrow. I just have to keep putting one foot after the other for next week. Well, David is watching some kind of bizarre crime show. It has gotten my interest as much as I am able right now. I just need to wake up strong and clear tomorrow.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Well, want in one hand and shit in the other, see which fills up first. I was too tired to even sit up last night. Within 15 minutes of laying down my smoke arrived but it was too late at night to do anything but go to bed. Then I was woke shortly after 3am with the shits. Can't go back to bed until I do laundry. Smoking in the morning is not a good idea but I did it anyway. I am loading up on caffeine. I plan on watching assigned videos this morning. I guess now is as good a time as any since I have already somehow frittered away 3 hours.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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David joined us for class yesterday and will tomorrow too I would guess. They are talking about the under developed world and how to help the the needy. I turned in my account of living in Argentina. Upon reading it this morning, it needs more adjectives but it was already 10 pages. As I had suspected, the guy next to me is a trumpster and he went on a rant about it. And there closest by, the prof, myself & David all humanitarians. He kept putting down democrats mainly. If he does this again I will promptly tell him that I am a democrat. I needed sleep more than studying so still haven't taken my test. + 2 assignments to turn in & a map. I am waiting on the money from Destiney's mom to order the first 4 basic items for her. I think I am going to take the test to see where I stand.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Got the money from Mom Nancy, so I ordered the bedspread, curtains, floor lamp. The end table did not go through. The bedspread had gone up $10 and the s/h + taxes was more than I thought.
I got up at 4am, have checked the orders and emptied the trash can. I slipped and fell on something on the floors. I didn't hurt myself but don't even want to know what I stepped in. I have been smoking and pondering what to do. I have plenty of things I ought to do. Going back to bed is one of them.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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I ate a huge bowl of grits for brunch and gave myself GERD. Missed class. I have missed so many lately. I just feel like sleeping and sleeping. I have been sleeping but got diarhea so I still am not rested. I told Destiney what we ordered for her. I haven't studied at all today.
 
T

Terter

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hello tiltawhirl

the short answer is i am not sure which means probably not then! i can never please this person and have stopped doing so. i do things for me now. they have little to no emotional landscape and its all about them and they change their mind opinion at the drop of a hat a bit of a head fk as i am supposed to mind read! i am the one that is in the wrong and mostly that is the case lol but not always!

underneath it all is a competition streak and i think gee for goodness sake
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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We had our annual wellness visit this week. I have lost between 20 & 25 pounds. Now if I could lose another 20.
David has a meeting with a potential investor today.
I had the shits again. At least I did not have any wake me up accidents.
I need to do homework before I get any more behind.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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I wasted most of yesterday trying to sleep. I wound up going to bed very early so woke this am at 4. David was still up trying to figure out auto cad which he is able to access thro me as a student. He extended our line of credit and bought a 3D printer and did not tell me until it was delivered. Yeah, I am kind of upset...what about the dental surgery I need?! But I am not going to be the stumbling block in his project. I don't think it is going to work out the way he imagines it but I won't piss on his parade. If it keeps him happy and busy, wonderful. I do need him to pick up my klonopin today and wanted him to be there at 9 when it opens. He says I can wake him at 10am. I am going to do some homework today. I have 2 assignments from unit 2 which we have finished and I am only going to answer 3 questions instead of all of them. Only 2 are required. I had been answering all questions and have plenty of extra credit so now, I just want to get up to speed with where we are in the class. Going to watch Rachel Maddow first. Wrote my folks a letter. Mom needs it.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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I went to bed super early so that I woke at 12:30 am, have been up almost 5 hours. The noise of that new printer is driving me crazy until I am in tears about it. We could not afford that damned thing and I need dental work and a haircut but we can't afford that. his project is all part of an elaborate delusion. I don't know what to do. I encouraged him to go to the business meeting. I thought it would interject some reality but that is not what he heard. I know he will be sneaky and buy more things for it. I could be guardedly hopeful with him until he spent all this money. Now it is a problem. I encouraged him to study about it. It made him happy. But I want to take a baseball bat to that printer. Now all our credit is maxed out and we can't afford the fucking payments. I thought our goal was to pay it down. He did not tell me that he bought it until the package arrived. And here I am losing weight from cutting costs on groceries. I am trying to rationalize it. As it costs as much to take a semester class, what with gasoline costs factored in. Well, not really, but it is a cost that isn't a physical necessity but it is necessary for my sanity. I am not paying to see a therapist anymore. I think he quit on his therapist and I need her to see this for what it is and help him out of it. Or do I let it run it's course and get it out of his system? I just went over to look at it for the first time, planning to unplug it to stop the noise but it is making something. mother fuck. I need my quiet mornings. That is when I do my coursework, when I can hear myself think. I am so sad and angry about this. He has also left us vulnerable by maxing out our credit. Something has got to give! I would sell plasma if they would let me but not with my meds. I already had to borrow money from a friend. It is tempting as hell to trade a couple of my tablets for cannabis and just get lost in cheezy thriller books. Otherwise I am scared of what I might say to him. I also want to send him a text.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Yesterday was a most unpleasant day. I did send him a text. And then confronted him about it. One thing turned into another. He can't say he is sorry unless I specifically demand it. Then he tried to blame me for spending on Food (!) And I do use my ill gotten gains to take us out to a buffet. I thought we were paying down the debt. When I get out of class, I am starving and all I want to do is eat, no mess, no fuss, no wait. Last semester we were good about putting things in the crockpot ready to eat when we got home. I haven't gotten back in the zone with my homework since spring break..almost a month now. I collected my cash from a payment my friend gave to him and my debit card. I took extra meds to chill out and sleep, am having a hard time shaking that off this morning. But I am going to attempt to get some things done. will check back later.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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I used the part of the paper I started to write on the Amish to fulfill assignment 5, my most overdue assignment. I answered in a 2 1/2 page essay rather than ordering it around to the questions but it does answer them. I am sure she won't mind. I think she will find it interesting.
Still overdue is assignment 10 and mapping 2. Don't make too much of the overdue thing. I really don't need to turn them in at all. I have more than enough assignment extra credit to cover them and more. But I am short cutting them. Only answering the couple of questions she asks for instead of every one, which is how I accrued enough extra credit to do nothing else in this class if I so chose. mapping isn't difficult at all. It is very simplistic. It aggravates me to have to do it. But I will do it next. It is easy and won't take long once I get started.
Joe didn't show with the cannabis exchange last evening. Damn him. When he is wanting his thing he begs, manipulates and pesters me endlessly. Anyway I have assignment 11 done, the first one in Unit 3, our last unit. I don't know how she scores the tests but the grade she has on mine is very wrong. I won't worry. It happened last time too. Somehow I went from in the 60s% to 88%. This one should wind up at 93%. So yesterday David told me I had been hateful towards him for quite awhile. I had no idea what he could possibly be talking about. Today I asked him and told him that without some examples I did not know what I needed to correct. The first one was that when he comes to bed after I am asleep, I am bundled up in all the blankets, I give him one then take it back. For God's sakes! I am asleep! Learn some marriage skills! Grab the damned blanket and yank and take it back! He said the other was because I believed he was lying about money. He asked me to help him with the SSD people to get it fixed that they are wrongfully withholding $200 from his check since the beginning of the year. Then he went right back to his fixation with this Tesla thing. I let it go for awhile and then stopped him and pointed it out. I told him that I could only think of one thing that really gripes my ass and that I had never said anything to him about it. He won't break down boxes and put them in the trash, just tosses them near the trash or leaves them lay about where he used them. And I grumble to myself, remember all he puts up with from me and just do it myself.
I reminded him of his last attempt to get his business going and it did not go well. Not in a hurtful way but to remind him that I saw what it had done to him. He had a meltdown. Started weeping and has gone back to bed. I gave him a big hug. Fuck. He has got the printer, it is water under the bridge now and I addressed it yesterday. I would just as soon he was happily playing with it. He confessed that his meeting last Friday did not go as he hoped. I sort of knew that. I have worked as a business manager. There is no middle ground with him. He is either 100% obsessed or has decided to let it go for awhile. It is wonderful and exciting until it crashes. He will now be very depressed. But the further he went with it, the more depressed he would be. He has acceded that he may be ill. So, rough morning. more to come. I would really really like it if he took a class in an area of his interest for fall semester. He is super intelligent. He just has a peculiar delusion and I guess he should probably be classified as manic, but now it is more mixed. and those are the worst. My head is pounding. I am in tears that we are going through this. And I don't know how we are going to get through this financially without destroying the credit we have spent 10 years building up. He says we are on the verge of defaulting. Now I feel like knocking myself out and going back to sleep. But you know what I am going to do? I am going to get my box of 64 crayons and do a map. and because things are shaky today...I will post again later.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Holy shit, that map took next to forever. The info was in tiny blurred print. From it I did computations for ratios regarding population. all the counties in this state..means nothing to you Brits but anyway it was a list too long. She assigned us to separate the data into 2 categories but hell, after all that work to get the data, uh-uh. I mapped it into 4 categories and by the time I was done, I wished I had put it into 6 but no way am I going back to redo any of it. I cobbled together my interpretation and summary and put it in my finished pile. I didn't really mind doing it once started but it did take all the live long day! I had given David a klonopin to go to bed with. He woke up renewed and feeling much better. Joe delivered on the cannabis..YAY! Mom Nancy texted me that she had gotten the bedspread for my inmate and that it was pretty. I was so glad...glad that it was pretty and glad she let me know so promptly. I would feel horrible if she was disappointed with it. So, now I have one more assignment from the overdue list. It will have to wait until tomorrow morning when it is quiet and my mind is clear. All I know is I am going to get high and then we will see what comes next.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Bed, that is what came next. My relax time comes in the morning. My percolator coffee is delicious this morning. I will never use a drip coffee maker again. Am nipping at pinches of my little green. I think turning in 3 assignments today is good enough. I wrote my inmate, weaving my spell about her room. and then a quick note to Mom Nancy. I know what I will wear to class today, that is too often an obstacle. It has been freaking COLD here! I need to finish loading the dishwasher and grab the dishes from my lazy pile next to my recliner. I will do that in breaks as I try to work my way through the textbook for the chapter we will cover today. First I am going to do a little shopping :)
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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I missed class Thursday, slept right through it and have been sleeping a lot. Done no classwork. I will regret that. Been footsing around with decorating the bedroom. I am having a hard time getting info from her mom. Getting frustrated with that. Has she started putting things together yet?
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Today just did not go right. I started squirming in bed with GERD for probably an hour before I yukked up bile and stomach acid at 3am and then got up. Took a couple of hours to wake my brain. I am uncomfortably behind. I took a lazy week. I wanted to put together 3 assignments to turn in. I got one map done over 12 hours. Then I got frustrated and weepy. Kinda scary, there isn't much more time before the class ends. I need to produce. I should have just switched to reading the textbook but I was burnt out. Will try to do that in the morning. I should go to bed now but I am enjoying resting and watching NCIS. I have had almost no appetite lately. I filled out a course evaluation form. I let them know that I think my prof almost walks on water. She has been so kind and compassionate about my too many absences. But, wow, the class moves fast! I don't want to go to bed now but I must think about tomorrow. sweet dreams!
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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Boy I wish my body clock would allow me more sleep. I slept 6 1/2 hours and this is chronic..so I am always tired. Further not eating or barely eating doesn't fuel me and I am weak. and just now, I need to be strong. I WILL be strong as there is no way I will end this class with a note of regret. Mom Nancy is opening up more and chatting. I am glad. She got the butterfly wall hanging yesterday and said she loves it. YAY!! I am going to watch the Rachel Maddow show with coffee to hopefully wake my ass up. I have been just sitting here doing nothing for 2 hours.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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I took turns working and napping yesterday such that I then only slept 4 hours last night. I am tired, very tired. and burnt out. I did a bonus map yesterday because I wanted to. Now I need to rewatch a couple of videos and write them up for assignment 10 which is my longest overdue. better hop to it!