Paranoid

[Mattman1983]

Today I have 2 evaluations. one for my ESA benefit and later one at the mental health ward. i beleive people can read my thoughts and i dont want to go. its going to go horribly wrong. ill have my allowance taken from me and then ill have nothing at all. im having strong thoughts of killing myself in the next few hours so i wont have to go through all this

 

[sallyG]

stay with us..these things will be sorted out..please dont kill yourself..your worth more than that hun.keep talking.

 

[Mattman1983]

I dont feel like im worth more. im 100% convinced that ill have my £57 a week taken from me and i dont afford to live on that as it is. im able bodied, sure and thats all they will see. why should i evenbother with it? and for that matter, i cant hold a job down before it goes upside down and inside out. there really isnt anything for me. im wasting your oxygen being here

 

[sallyG]

they cant leave you with no money at all..are you worried you will be put on JSA now?...my son has been on JSA for 2 yrs now...he has a disability adviser.,,so there isnt really any real pressure to get a job. I know how you feel about working..i cant manage it either.your nor wasting my oxygen being here..its your oxygen as well..you have as much right to breath it as anyone does hun.
Is there someone you can take to the jobcentre with you to support you?.

 

[Mattman1983]

its not actually in the jobcentre, i have to go to a guarded govornment building in leeds for it. not only do i have to go and have a god awful interveiw. i have to drive there and back in a complete state. i got turned down for jobseekers last time because ihavent made enough ni contributions in my life. they frequently just ditch people with no money coming in. i used to work for the people i am now fighting.

irony is on my tail.

i cant see that there will be anything good come of today.

 

[sallyG]

my son hadnt paid any Ni contributions but he still got JSA.... be careful driving there hun..what time is your appointment today?.

 

[Mattman1983]

it was 12.45. what a waste of time!
the questions were mainly based on how mobile i am. goodbye esa then.
ive got an appointment in 45 minutes at the hospital now for another evaluation. can someone give me a gun so i can go on the long holiday please. i cant deal with all of this rubbish and farce

 

[SimonB]

Mattman.....it is difficult when it feels as if we have no control over our fate, it is an awful thing to go through especially when you feel paranoid and anxious about what the future holds.

SallyG has given some good advice....listen to her and give yourself a chance at coming through this...there is a light...no matter how feint.

 

[Mattman1983]

you know, i used to have bounce in my step. but that was taken from me a long time ago. shortly followed by everything else. i have a home filled with nothing. empty boxes and not much else. all sold to get by. now if i lose this i can no longer get by. and that we be all for me

 

[SimonB]

The first thing you need to do is get through this, another bad experience and wait for the decision. The fact that you are physically mobile doesn't mean you don't have a dissability thats stopping you from working.

You need to wait for the decision. After you have the decision you then need to appeal. You need to go and see your GP and get them to support your application for appeal and so on.

I know what its like to sit in an empty flat, no food in the cupboard and no money in my pocket and no one seems to care.

Hang on in there....you are worth making the effort for...even if things don't seem as good as they could. Do you have anywhere to go to for resbite?

 

[Mattman1983]

whats a resbite?

 

[jamesdean]

Paranoia is so hard to get a grip on, trynot to worry so much. How did your evaluations go mattman?

Resbite is like trying to take a break I have been on a retreat day with the church this was a really good example of resbite,it can be in anykind of enviorment non judgemental

 

[Mattman1983]

Oh, ok. well i cant go away, i have no money. my basicbank account that cannot in any circumstance go overdrawn has gone overdrawn.nice. i have no phone to call them either.

The first one was a medical for the DWP they basically wanted to know how able bodied i am. bang goes my allowance.

second one i zoned out in a lot. they want to put me through psychotherapy.

I came home to mother in a mood with me asking straight away if i had taken an overdose. having a go at me for being insensitive. id like to add that this is my flat that i paid for with my money. shes just staying here for free.

she is almost recovered from breast cancer, which she blamed on me and was crying for attention so i told her to ring for an ambulance. subsequently i am on my own here and have been quite destructive in the night.

I really dont think i can cope much longer. not one single good even has happened in a long time. its shit piled on shit then served on a cold plate

 

[Affective]

I really dont think i can cope much longer. not one single good even has happened in a long time. its shit piled on shit then served on a cold plate

http://www.samaritans.org/about_samaritans/frequent_questions/can_i_get_in_touch.aspx Please visit this website, so you can at least talk to somebody about your problems who's been trained. The contact details are at the top of the page.

If that doesn't help. You can carry on talking to us and please don't do anything silly, trust me, this will pass. There are times where I felt the same but things got a lot better for me.

 

[jamesdean]

mattman we are thinking about you here at mhf I hope that this forum can offer you some suppoort take care JD