Paranoid Schizophrenia

[SomeGirl15153]

I have paranoid schizophrenia and I’m highly functional, but I’ve been struggling. My work has been abusing me due to the covid-19 nursing shortage and my boss keeps having me switch from Am shift, to mid day shift and now I’m doing noc shift. I’m kind of small-medium stature and they keep giving me 500 pound patients by myself that I struggle to log roll with no one to help me. I’m a good worker but my paranoid delusions plus the 25 patients per shifts are starting to effect me. I keep thinking that someone is watching my every move- I feel like someone is tracking me, from what I eat to what I buy, to watching me while I’m in the shower, looking through my phone activities, scrolling through my photo albums, my work schedule, etc.

I feel like the pressure is too much and I have thoughts that I’d be better off dead because I hate having so many eyes on me.

I also have auditory hallucinations, so that doesn’t help me. I’m taking medication and I am stable but I also feel like I shouldn’t be struggling as much as I am with my daily life.

I tried keeping touch with reality by improving the quality of my relationships and even went so far as to try to start dating again, but I ended up suffering mentally and being abused emotionally. The guy ended up having sex with me and leaving the same night.

That event fed into my depression, feelings of low self worth and like I should’ve never tried to improve the quality of my life in the first place in that way.

I feel really isolated even though my family is there for me and I have a best friend who texts me everyday to ask how I’m doing.

I really wish I was dead. I know I’d never commit suicide, but I keep asking God to kill me somehow.

Life just doesn’t feel worth it. The amount of distress I’m in isn’t worth the small amount of good moments in life.

The worst part is, I know life is only going to get harder as i age and I don’t know what to do because I don’t think I can handle it getting any worse.

I look around and everyone else seems to be enjoying life and I’m miserable and am struggling.

The only thing keeping me from harming myself is probably how my friends and family would deal with my death, but other than that I’m done. I don’t want to live anymore.

 

[LORD BURT]

Fuck that guy. He is a loser. Listen sweetheart can you take a week off to recharge?

 

[SomeGirl15153]

Fuck that guy. He is a loser. Listen sweetheart can you take a week off to recharge?

I can’t, I just got back from being in treatment for 13 days and I already feel sick. I recently quit drinking, and am 25 days sober but quitting alcohol is making me realize how hard my life is. I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope.

 

[Lab rat]

I’ve had a few suicide attempts including one successful one. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not worth it. It’s harder than you think.

we all make bad decisions in dating, learn from them and move on. You will find the right person in the end. I have several times, I’m on my second marriage and have a happy relationship now, but getting there wasn’t easy.

is there anyway you could either front up to your boss? If that doesn’t work an official letter to whoever is over him?

sending you hugs (((()))) and hoping things are better for you soon!

 

[Jam1990]

I suffer from similar paranoid delusions. I always feel like someone is after me and is spying on me. It makes me feel hopeless and sometimes I feel like I would be better off dead than to go through another day feeling like this. I also look around and see nothing but happy people while I'm sad and depressed/paranoid all of the time. It sucks. I hope your symptoms start to ease a bit and that you find some relief. It really drains the energy when you feel like at anytime something bad could happen. Being on alert all day is no fun.

 

[SomeGirl15153]

I suffer from similar paranoid delusions. I always feel like someone is after me and is spying on me. It makes me feel hopeless and sometimes I feel like I would be better off dead than to go through another day feeling like this. I also look around and see nothing but happy people while I'm sad and depressed/paranoid all of the time. It sucks. I hope your symptoms start to ease a bit and that you find some relief. It really drains the energy when you feel like at anytime something bad could happen. Being on alert all day is no fun.

I know I feel like my adrenaline is running and like I have to work ten times harder than anyone else just to function. It’s not fair, I work ten times as hard as the next person to get half the results. It’s like my effort is worth half or a tenth of someone who isn’t targeted. I feel like it’s a government conspiracy to target certain people to maintain the pyramid- so that not everyone can reach the top. I feel like my opportunities aren’t the same as the next person. It’s modern day discrimination/segregation. I’m a minority too so that’s another reason I feel like this.

 

[Jam1990]

I know I feel like my adrenaline is running and like I have to work ten times harder than anyone else just to function. It’s not fair, I work ten times as hard as the next person to get half the results. It’s like my effort is worth half or a tenth of someone who isn’t targeted. I feel like it’s a government conspiracy to target certain people to maintain the pyramid- so that not everyone can reach the top. I feel like my opportunities aren’t the same as the next person. It’s modern day discrimination/segregation. I’m a minority too so that’s another reason I feel like this.

I really understand. I’m a minority too in the sense that I’m homosexual. I’ve felt targeted my entire life thinking that I’m doing something wrong or illegal by being gay. I don’t feel bad for being gay anymore, but my mind is just used to feeling guilty and on alert. I waste a lot of my energy playing scenarios in my head thinking of how I can prevent bad things from happening to me. I take medication but it just doesn’t seem to take the edge off enough for me to stop having paranoid thoughts all day.

 

[JessisMe]

I know that you mentioned that you had recently come back from rehab but have you thought about taking a longer term medical leave to get a breather and try to get a handle on this? I took one once for about six weeks and it really helped me:

The Family and Medical Leave Act and the California Family Rights Act FAQs

edd.ca.gov

 

[Avolitionist]

The level of stress in nursing that is normal is phenomenal. I can’t imagine what it is like short staffed during a pandemic. You’re a trooper.

 

[SomeGirl15153]

I know that you mentioned that you had recently come back from rehab but have you thought about taking a longer term medical leave to get a breather and try to get a handle on this? I took one once for about six weeks and it really helped me:

The Family and Medical Leave Act and the California Family Rights Act FAQs

edd.ca.gov

Thank you for the resource. I unfortunately don’t think I can afford it. I also think it might be healthier for me to work, because when I’m alone in a room with my thoughts I get suicidal sometimes. So working might be the lesser of two evils.

 

[SomeGirl15153]

The level of stress in nursing that is normal is phenomenal. I can’t imagine what it is like short staffed during a pandemic. You’re a trooper.

Thank you, I appreciate your comment.