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Paranoid and axious in relationship

martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
i have been suffereing depression and anxiety or some time now and am being treated for the frst, but the medication doesnt help the anxiety.

I live away from my girlfriend and daughter as i have a job i need to hold down..i see them just about 3 days a week and im paranoid my GF is doing something behind my back.

She has had her hair cut and has bought some revealing tops and has also just got the internet.Last night i saw that her MSN had a few men on it and a couple of ex boyfriends too...eventually it ended up in an arguement as i diddnt like the thought of what i saw..admittadly it was late and my tablets had worn off.

now im convinced shes playing around with other men ...the paranoia is horrible.i know its something to do with low self esteem as ihear jelousy is just that

can anyone offer any advice?
 
S

saffron

Guest
are you taking anything to help with your depression and anxiety?
living apart from someone can cause lots of pressure, thats normal, but these feeling of paranoia must be addressed, have you spoken to your other half rationally, does she know that what you see hurts and worries you? It is so easy to accuse someone, they feel they are not trusted and that pushes them away further, in my opinion as a woman.
is she feeling lonely and needs reassurance that she is still desireable?
Trust and respect is the most important thing in a relationship, if this is not felt by both partners it is a great strain.
generally speaking, if a person is going to stray and you have done everything to make the person feel secure and loved, then there is nothing you can do about it, but this is not a reflection of you it is the person who strays that has the problems and low self worth.
are you able to see your gf and child often and is this quality time spent?
maybe you could try and see a counsellor or something to chat about what is going on in your own head.
sorry could not be more constructive there is not set answer to something like this, if that makes sense.
S :grouphug:
 
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martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
hI there saffron!

thanks alot for your reply...

In terms of our relationship the last year has been the worst. Since recognising my depression and mania, my Girlfreind has had to put up with alot...now im trying to make some sense of it all and...the anxiety has becoming worse still....
Since we been together, her Ex boyfriend has tried to get in touch from time to time and this has driven a wedge between us...apart form my problems...knowing that another guy is on the scene...totally aggravates my anxiety...i know it shouldnt come between us but.....i have very low self esteem and thinking that this guy is better..makes me want to run away..FAST! just in case im dumped!

In case im dumped...i have become protective and sensitive and un responsive ( almost like putting up the barriers early)...and this makes it all worse still!..

i do love my Girlfriend, but the boundarys, the expectations and the hopes and fears are all washed about..the respect is minimal and the behaviours we have for each other VERY changable.. I think my Girlfriend is manic..but just hyper not depressive or expressive in any for of depression...so we are like passing a time bomb between us...
when we are on a stable ground..we are both great together..the one of us changes...my changes are a lot more apparent..my lethargy and aggravation is obvious...but my Girlfriend doesnt aknowledge or identify that me being tired is the beginning of a depressive switch!!! so support is minimal!

one thing said...i may be the most changeable character she has ever been with...but no one has been more passionate and expressive and honest as me....i tell how i feel and want to talk and explore my situation...she looks at me oddly!...
 
KP1

KP1

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Apr 4, 2008
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1,500
Hi Martyn it does sound like a challenging relationship. Maybe you need to sit down and have a talk about this when both of you are feeling calm.
Hope it goes well.
KP
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
can anyone offer any advice?
Personally I'm a cynic. In this day & age it seems common practise for people to have affairs - infidelity is the 'norm' - Both men & women do so; but I have to say that women seem far more prolific at it than men; from my observations. I don't know if that is country wide or just the area I live in; & from personal experience. I know if someone does cheat; they will do it again. It is hard to find people who take monogamy seriously - we would all be better off if our culture accepted polygamy as the standard; seeing as that's how the majority live anyway.
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
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Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Thanks KP...

in terms of being cynical towards monogamy..i have learnt that my anxiety around monogamy stems from low self esteem...that i am not good enough to be with!...and also a set of hidden convictions and beliefs about women that in some way i will be hurt...its conditioning that is seriously hard to shift!!

part of me KNOWS that both women and men can be loving and happy...but the other part says.."whats the point...they will leave you...they are sleeping around"....its horrible and a conflict!

manybe if people are polygamous then they too suffer low self esteem or some kind of personality issue? who knows?:unsure:
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
in terms of being cynical towards monogamy..i have learnt that my anxiety around monogamy stems from low self esteem...that i am not good enough to be with!...and also a set of hidden convictions and beliefs about women that in some way i will be hurt...its conditioning that is seriously hard to shift!!
You are certainly not alone in such thinking, & I would assume that most people have this 'conditioning' to greater or lesser degrees; whether they are aware of it or not; both men & women, it is not uncommon. Every relationship I have been in, my partner has cheated on me; & I have been faithful, what does that say? What is logically going to be the effect of such experience(s)? I find it incredibly difficult to trust. In many ways I have blocked intimate relationships in my life for a long time. A good freind of mine told me the other day - "'You must keep the cage door open so the bird can return." & he is right - living a full life opens us up to risk & pain, if we are ready & willing for close relationships. Another friend is very much into Buddhism; he always says that all life is suffering; it always has been & always will - he is right too, to a degree.

Unlike some, I haven't lost all hope that some do appear to find loving, trusting, & close interpersonal relationships, which grow & strengthen over time - but such relationships are certainly not the norm.

maybe if people are polygamous then they too suffer low self esteem or some kind of personality issue? who knows?:unsure:
Of course, I'm not condoning it or saying it is necessarily more healthy - but at least it would be more honest for most people. It appears that 'modern' behaviour turns many people into pathological lairs; which they justify with such things as it's 'white lies' & 'what someone doesn't know won't hurt them', & other such vagaries, All to satisfy the strongest natural desire we exhibit - the built in compulsion to breed - Sex. & self gratification.
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Hi there Apotheosis!

you raise some valid points..escpecially about the primal nature of sex and reproduction and the need to re-produce and how this corresponds to an unknown compulsion to lie and move towards that end even though within a relationship!

Im sorry you have been in an unfaithfull relationship...its not nice because the ensuing state can be cynical and clouded...as Max erhmann said in his write up "desiderata"

"neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass"

i have read into something quite interesting...about the confusion between depression and lonliness....and that people very often confuse the two...Sure fair to say that being lonely can bring on symptoms of depression however if we consider the levels of awareness surrounding the two......many times those who are depressed KNOW they are depressed, where as those who are lonely often FEAR being lonely, but not always identify their lonliness.....and see themselves a depressed...because of a fear or anxiety....
Depressed people, although can experience anxiety...(which is future paced)...depression is often past oriented in sadness...with rhuminations of past events forming much of the main structure of the depression!

interesting.....i deffinatly am lonely! never thought of that!:redface:
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
"neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass"
I don't think that is necessarily relating to 'romantic love'

interesting.....i deffinatly am lonely! never thought of that!:redface:
Conversely I also wonder if people acknowledge depression sometimes.

I get lonely & depressed. But there is more often a solitude than loneliness. I generally enjoy my own company.
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Your right not many people identify their depression...i have seen it many times where depression ( mainly sadness) is manifested in say....Anger..Which i believe is a very impure emotion as anger often is just the presenting self of another unresolve/misunderstood emotional situation or state..

In terms of solitude...im like you..i atually am pretty comfortable in my own company..i can occupy my active mind well generally...but in terms of intimate love/understanding etc...im in a bit of a wasteland...thats most probably of my own making...or as a result of abstract behaviours relating to manic episodes that partners couldnt understand...

My current Girlfreind trys to understand...but im thinking she is secretly bored of the whole thing!!...(ARGGG ther goes my self esteem)..its never ending!!!
:cry:
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Your right not many people identify their depression...i have seen it many times where depression ( mainly sadness) is manifested in say....Anger..Which i believe is a very impure emotion as anger often is just the presenting self of another unresolve/misunderstood emotional situation or state..
It can be; but also anger can be healthy too. It depends on how it is experienced, reacted to & dealt with. Anger can be very useful when it is directed into certain things; it can be very motivational, & used creatively.

In terms of solitude...im like you..i atually am pretty comfortable in my own company..i can occupy my active mind well generally...but in terms of intimate love/understanding etc...im in a bit of a wasteland...thats most probably of my own making...or as a result of abstract behaviours relating to manic episodes that partners couldnt understand...
http://www.theotherpages.org/poems/eliot01.html

Sometimes it can feel like a bit of a wasteland for me too - & sometimes the World itself is like a wasteland. But love & understanding does not necessarily have to come from an intimate/sexual relationship - In fact, although there are some exceptions, most peoples intimate/sexual relationships - don't appear that loving & understanding; but maybe that's my cynicism again.

I would like to meet someone who has a similar 'world view', someone who is travelling a similar path. But I meet very few people who have a similar outlook - let alone a potential mate. & I have questioned more & more whether a long term relationship; would be right for me. For some people it seems right; for others maybe less so.

Mainstream society very much frowns upon the single people - as if they are odd in some way; or that they should be with a partner - Like many social attitudes & societal 'norms' - it isn't based on reason or logic. There is nothing wrong in people choosing to be single - in fact I think there are some good things to be said for it. Like all things - situations have two sides; or multiple ways of perceiving them.

My current Girlfreind trys to understand...but im thinking she is secretly bored of the whole thing!!...(ARGGG ther goes my self esteem)..its never ending!!!
:cry:
How many people do understand? It's hard enough to understanding 'myself' sometimes. What hope have other people got of understanding me; if I have already spent decades of introspection on the matter of 'who I am', & am still discovering 'what makes me tick.' ?
 
S

saffron

Guest
Hi Martyn
there have been such valid points to this thread and a lot of us, i bet, including me will all empathise with what you are going through. Iam totally in fear of intimacy and trusting and will freak out if someone does not call even after three dates and that I have made it clear I do not want to rush things. anyway sorry I digress.
two things though, you say that you think her ex is better than you? then why is HE the X? something to bear in mind eh! Also you say you think your girlfriend is bored, this is such a mistake all of us make, we think we know what someone else is thinking, which in many many cases we totally get it wrong. and worry so much about something not or has not happened we forget to think about what we have and can do. I am learnign that the former is a fruitless excersice because we are worrying about something that is out of our hands, but living to be happy everyday is in our hands. if that makes sense. I really hope you can come to somesort of conclusion with your GF you certainly seem like you are a catch and someone to be trusted, very rare nowdays. if youi dont mind me saying.
take care
s:grouphug:
 
martyn6291

martyn6291

Active member
Joined
Feb 16, 2009
Messages
42
Location
Gloucestershire
Hi both...

its great to get response here..Apotheosis...i know what you mean by wanting to find that connection with someone...my girlfreind and i meet on some levels but in other areas we are poles apart...literally...but some of that is standard in a relationship dynamic..some say life.!

I have long thought about my intention...i currently work as a support worker helping thiose with drug and alcohol dependencys and mental health issues...
being typical of low self esteem..i am very able to help others... in my job..by being professional and not over-identifying but offering important principal centred outllooks and approaches that are most importantly..non judgemental.
My sucess rate with clients is very good!...my own life is in bits!

Im like you in that i have spent years of introspective behaviour, which i have created a sense of certainty about myself that is unswerving, often unrealistic and deffinatly inflexible at times..theres no one who understands me...like i understand me..and I dont understand me...its a real labrynth!
But being quite manic...i am highly creative one minute and frail the next...

I think my lifes goal is to help others..on a wider scale but not myself or those closest to my inner cicle..sad...

Saffron...

Thanks for your reply...my GF's ex finished with her...my fears are that she still loves him...or that he provides something i dont...all i provide is complex emotions that are described to the last detail...and i end up blowing her head to bits with an absolute tempest of detail and description of my thought patterns and how i process them....believe me...a neuro-scientist would have a feild trip on my mind...ther are few who find it fascinating...but to the rest..its an abolute explosion of information and emotion....
i cope by talking about it...which is far more effective as a coping strategy than taking drugs and alcohol!...a drinker drinks 20 pints of larger to cope....i talk for AGES about my stuff and still have energy where those around me are worn out!

Oh and thanks for saying im a catch...your kind..thanks!:)
 
S

saffron

Guest
Hi
wel that is his loss and your gain, and hers y the sound of it. she is with you now, through thick and thin, you are both lucky to have each other, give yourself more credit for you are an honest and caring person and she has obviously seen that in you, and that what matters at the end of the day, concentrate on what you can do together when you are with each other, each minute is precious, that way you know in yourself that you can have a good realtionship, even though you are apart some of the time. I am glad you are able to talk, maybe you can help both of you by writing down the key word that describe how you feel so that you can get it clearer in your head and come straight to the point and not feel you have to talk insesintaly to feel that she understands, give her time to answer and ask you questions. ( sorry if I have this wrong, just the way I interpreted you thread).
anyway, also take a look at all your good values and qualities and note them down too. you are giving yourself an unecessary hard time. I would love someone to feel about me the way you feel about your GF and I think, even if she does not realise it, or appear not to to you, she is a very lucky lady and you should remind her what you can offer her, through thick and thin, girls always love reassurance, support and realiability. give her lots of attention when together, you probably do anyway, sorry if I sound patronising, not meant too, ut sometimes it is easy to forget the simple things in love when wrapped up in worry.
take care
S:grouphug:
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Im like you in that i have spent years of introspective behaviour, which i have created a sense of certainty about myself that is unswerving, often unrealistic and deffinatly inflexible at times..theres no one who understands me...like i understand me..and I dont understand me...its a real labrynth!
But being quite manic...i am highly creative one minute and frail the next...

I think my lifes goal is to help others..on a wider scale but not myself or those closest to my inner cicle..sad...
Something I read one time - 'The most important work you do in this life, is the work you do on yourself' - I think there is a lot of truth in that. It does appear that you have.

You are obviously an interesting & intelligent person - I hope that things work out. They usually have a habit of doing so - by which time we have more things piled on our plates to deal with. Some days all I want is peace of mind - there was a time I had it.
 
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