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Paranoid About My Depo

Zardos

Zardos

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May 30, 2013
Messages
2,460
Its my injection later today.. And I've started to worry about it... i can't remember when or maybe more importantly where i was when they first started to inject me.. i really can't remember... When i go 'strange' i never can remember anything... The only thing i do remember is being on the ward and them giving it to me.. But because i don't remember anything else.. i can't remember any discussion about why they were swopping me to an injection.. Its not like i ever refused to take my meds.. I'll take anything in the hope that it will make me feel a bit different.. But i do remember it being a condition of my release that i continue to have it... And they seem pretty keen that i do... They send a CPN every two weeks to inject me with this crap.. How much does that cost ? Its been four years !.. Shouldn't they have switched me back to pills by now ?... Injections are murder.. Once its in you, you lose all control.. There's no way to say no.. With my other meds at least i can stop taking them if i want.. But with the injection..No.. I'm stuck with the bloody stuff.

I wonder what effect it has on me.. Have i been gelded somehow ? i don't really feel any different day to day.. Over the long term I've noticed i don't seem to get as high as i used to.. But at first i took that as a good thing.. Now I'm not so sure... You know what they say about you only noticing the leash you're on when you start tugging at it...
I've been thinking of not opening the door today.. Just to see what would happen.. What their next move would be.. i guess they'd try and phone me.. But what if i ignored that to ?... What i want to do is go buy a big bottle of Vodka and forget all about it... But i don't know how they would react.. Maybe they'd overreact and put me back in hospital.. the very last thing i want... i don't know.. But the more this goes on, the more I'm not loving it... I've just got this nagging feeling that its bad for me and i just want it to stop. They could be giving me anything.. i have no control over this
 
A

Al

Guest
depots are horrible :( Sorry they stuck you on one when you were taking the pills anyway. They never trust us, they always assume we are lying when we get ill while on the meds, i don't know why they have such incredible faith in the damn things when all the studies show they don't work for everyone.

Are you on a CTO? If you are then if you refuse the injection they will admit you to hospital, give you the injection under section and then release you into the wild again. If you are not on a CTO it is a bit more complicated/uncertain. They can only section you if you deteriorate, unless you are on a CTO they cannot force you to take any medication in the community. However if you suddenly stop having the depot and stop antipsychotics cold turkey you are likely to suffer drug withdrawal and have a relapse or withdrawal psychosis at which point they would section you and then probably stick you on a CTO.

If i were you i would ask for an appointment with my psych to talk about coming off the depot. Explain you think it would help you feel more normal and recovered to be back on pills and that you have been compliant with the injections for 4 years but now you want to improve your quality of life (if i were you i would not mention wanting control over taking the meds or not, the psychs only like compliant patients!) They might let you stagger the change, so they prescribe part of the dose by pills and reduce the depot over time if they aren't sure about taking you off it, that might be a start at least. I have found that the only way to get what you need is to play the game, the psychs have total control and they punish patients who openly rebel. It's best to go stealth in my experience
 
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Zardos

Zardos

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Thank you for the reply.. Very informative.. And yes i am on a CTO.. Its on my care plan but i never knew just what that meant... i think i just felt the leash I'm on get a little bit tighter.. So i guess today is a yes.. And the Vodka will have to wait till after lunch...
I'm seeing my shrink next month.. So i suppose it can wait until then... Least I've had the foresight to hide my drinking from them..

This means allot of face to face confrontation with my shrink which i am always bad at... i either say nothing.. or say way too much and come across as nutz... i guess as long as i don't outright refuse to take this stuff I'll be o.k... the thought of going back now chills me to the bone.. Guess you're right and I'll have to go 'stealth' and pretend to be a cooperative bunny for now

Thanks again :)
 
A

Al

Guest
Haha yeah sorry, i've become a bit of a MH system geek. After years of surprises i like to know whats on the cards! Going stealth has been the only way i've managed to get any semblance of control back, the whole system is bollocks IMO. Good news though, if you are on a CTO you are entitled to an advocate who can meet with you and help you explain things to your psych and help you argue your case. They vary in quality but it can take the pressure off the meetings cause there is someone there to make sure what needs to be said is said. Good luck with the old needle stick today and enjoy your afternoon vodka!
 
A

Al

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your cmht should have info on which organisation does the advocacy for your area cause it varies area to area. Think mind have the contract where i am
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Haha yeah sorry, i've become a bit of a MH system geek. After years of surprises i like to know whats on the cards! Going stealth has been the only way i've managed to get any semblance of control back, the whole system is bollocks IMO.
The system is frightening when you think of how much power they have over you.. Its been four years.. i was working under the delusion that i was out.. Guess i haven't strayed too far after all..

Oh man.. Now I'm really unsure of what to do... Wondering just how much i should rock the boat with these barsteads.. i really don't want to go back in the hospital... i wish they would just leave me alone now.. i'm getting to old for this :cry:
 
A

Al

Guest
4 years out of hospital is no small feat, you should be proud of that. It sucks they are keeping you on a CTO but those have to be renewed after certain periods so seeing as you have a good stretch of compliance and stability there they should hopefully take you off it in the not too distant future. There is quite good info on what it all means here Community treatment orders (CTOs) | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems

I don't think asking for your meds to be reviewed after 4 years is rocking the boat at all, it is worth asking about switching back to pills, don't worry too much! I know how stressful it all is but even though they are bastards they won't put you back in hospital just for asking about medication changes :hug1:
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Four years out is a long time.. But the truth I've been trying to keep from them is.. Over time i am getting worse, when i got out last time i was doing all kind of shit.. Going out.. Shopping, walking, interacting with people.. But slowly over time i have become more and more withdrawn.

Thank you for the link.. Its a very comprehensive page :)

Trouble is my consultant doesn't like me... Ever since i smashed up his ward with a hammer.. Long story.. But it wasn't my fault.. Anyway ever since then hes been on my back...

Like i say.. I'll either say nothing or over cook it.. That's the bit I'm worried about.. If i say too much and start to explain myself in a irrational way.. He'll know how mixed up my thinking can still be.. You know what its like when you become too excited and tell your consultant that his Phd ain't worth shit
they really don't like that :rofl2:

~time passes

My CPN has just come and gone.. Almost that fast.. i just wanted to get them out the door as quick as possible... a quick trip to the shops and then i guess I'll settle into a bad film for this afternoon... All this needs sorting.. But its going to have to wait.. I'm giving myself the afternoon off... i got a while before i see the shrink.

Thanks again for all your help :)

cheers :cheers:
 
A

Al

Guest
haha yeah i learnt the hard way they don't like that too! I told mine she could could only see my experiences in terms of brain chemicals because she was soulless and emotionally bankrupt. By that point i'd recovered from my delusion that she was part of a plot to have me killed but i still harbour suspicions she'd be happy to see me dead. Last time she sectioned me she only lifted the section when i became suicidal. It didn't help relations between us i must say.

Smashing up a ward with a hammer sounds incredibly cathartic! I'm sure many people wish they'd done the same.

Hope you enjoyed the film and the vodka :D
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
I feel for you, I'm on depot injections too. They really hurt afterwards.
I'm trying to get of depot injections, I refused oral meds while in hospital.
So my chances might not be good.
Good luck in getting back on oral meds.
Take care
 
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