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Paranoid about my boyfriend cheating

A

amy_0408

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I'm a university student in my 3rd year and have been with my current boyfriend for about 1 and a half years now. We met in 1st year at uni and basically from day one, he liked me. He chased me for about 6-7 months and eventually I decided I wanted a relationship with him. It all went very quickly (he was my first), and we lived together (in a house with other people too) in second year and I'm living with him again this year. I've always been an overthinker and worrier but recently, it's become ridiculous. I am on the contraceptive implant and have been for two years but recently, I think it's been causing me to feel really depressed and low (the doctor has now put me on the pill alongside the implant to try and balance my hormones). About 6 months ago, I was studying whilst my boyfriend was downstairs playing ps3, but when i came down to see him, i found that he was watching porn. We spoke about it and he said he did it because he was bored and hadn't done it in ages and didn't plan on doing it anymore, so we moved on. Since coming back to uni in September this year, I've really struggled with my relationship though. At first, i was paranoid that everytime i walked out the room, he was watching porn. Then i was paranoid that he wanted to be with my best friend and that they were having a secret affair (she has a boyfriend but has cheated on him twice). Now, i'm constantly paranoid or upset about something. I feel like everytime i'm not with him, he is going to be cheating on me. We spend so much time together, like all day, 6 days a week, and we're really good when we are together but as soon as i go out or he goes out, i picture him with another girl. I make up scenarios in my head and even if they are so unrealistic, i still believe them. He often talks about our future and plans holidays and talks about getting a house together, and he tells me he loves me at least once a day, and cuddles me etc a lot but now i'm starting to believe he is so loving because he feels guilty because he's cheating. He has no history of cheating and all my friends and family try to reassure me that he isn't the type but i just can't accept it. I've spoken to him about it before on quite a few occasions but he gets upset that I don't trust him and tells me i'll end up pushing him away, which then makes me worried that i've already pushed him away.

If anyone has any advice, it would greatly appreciated because I can't live like this anymore. I hate the person I have become which makes me feel even more down, and i always blame myself for thinking so stupidly but I can't help it. I think about this nearly 24/7 so my mind is constantly on overdrive.
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

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:welcome:

I used to get like this with my anxiety. I'm sorry I'm quite drained so will reply in more detail later but from what you've said he does sound trust worthy. If he has no history of cheating then hold on to that.
What helped me get the point across without upsetting him is saying that it makes me feel that way, and to not sound accusatory. I'd tell him I was scared and couldn't stop picturing it, and he would reassure me. I'm sure it was annoying for him as well as me, but the fact that he was understanding and reassuring helped. I started working on my self esteem which helped loads, but I still just don't trust other girls. We sure can be bitches, and guys think we're insane but we know perfectly well how some girls can be.

Sorry I wasn't very helpful. :hug:
 
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amy_0408

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No, you were helpful. I really appreciate your reply, i'm just feeling so lost right now and haven't felt like myself in a couple of months so hearing that other people have been through this and knowing people are listening to what I am saying, actually helps a great deal. :)
 
In the Clouds

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Do you know what's caused it? I know you said you saw him watching porn but is it because you think he'll hide it from you or is there something else?
 
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amy_0408

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I honestly am not sure. I've never been cheated on before but I am really cynical about relationships because I feel like all men cheat these days, so I'm sort of waiting for it to happen to me. :( The porn situation didn't help but at the time, I did actually get over it and forget about it. It was only about 2 months ago that I suddenly got really paranoid about it again. But now, even if I see him like playing around with himself, I worry that he is watching porn whilst i'm in the room, or thinking about it.. Even though for the first year of our relationship, he never watched it unless we were away from each other for a long period of time.
 
In the Clouds

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I think trying to find what's sparked the worrying may help you find out how to deal with it. For me, my boyfriend did cheat but I've managed to trust him again. Was a long haul but you can get over your worries. :) For me it was slightly different, I could use the fact that he cheated to make my point that I have a right to be worked up and worried.

I wrote him a very long letter (4 sides of A4 I think) just explaining all my feelings because I'm much better at getting words out on paper, in person I forget what I'm saying, get choked up and end up not getting out what I mean to say.

He's with you because he wants to be with you. :) Try and think logically about any negative thought that you get, or if you are worried, think what would fix it? For me when I got worried about him getting drunk with girls, I'd ask him to just send me a text or two throughout the night, so I know he hadn't forgotten about me. Things like that. :)

He does sound nice from what you've said though :)
 
A

amy_0408

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I have tried thinking about what might have caused this and the only thing it might be is my implant. I've heard other people who have become depressed or very emotional in their third year of having it so I think it might be contributing. Even so, it's only heightening feelings, so the feelings are there in the first place. Yeah, i've started keeping a diary because then I can write down how i'm feeling without causing any issues between us. I might try and talk to him again in the near future but for now, I don't really want to as for the past couple of months, I keep bringing up problems on a weekly basis and that's not really fair on him.

He's honsetly great and I love him so much, and when we're together, he is always cuddling and kissing me and telling me that he loves me but I just get so paranoid when we're not together. Even when I try and think logically, I end up making myself believe that my irrational thoughts are logical. For example, I went out to the shop yesterday for about half an hour, and on my way there I saw a girl that my boyfriend lived with in first year, and they were really good friends and she had feelings for him, so I made myself believe that she was on her way round to my house to have sex with my boyfriend.. and once that thought is in my head, I find it so hard to do anything but think about it.
 
In the Clouds

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I have tried thinking about what might have caused this and the only thing it might be is my implant. I've heard other people who have become depressed or very emotional in their third year of having it so I think it might be contributing. Even so, it's only heightening feelings, so the feelings are there in the first place. Yeah, i've started keeping a diary because then I can write down how i'm feeling without causing any issues between us. I might try and talk to him again in the near future but for now, I don't really want to as for the past couple of months, I keep bringing up problems on a weekly basis and that's not really fair on him.

He's honsetly great and I love him so much, and when we're together, he is always cuddling and kissing me and telling me that he loves me but I just get so paranoid when we're not together. Even when I try and think logically, I end up making myself believe that my irrational thoughts are logical. For example, I went out to the shop yesterday for about half an hour, and on my way there I saw a girl that my boyfriend lived with in first year, and they were really good friends and she had feelings for him, so I made myself believe that she was on her way round to my house to have sex with my boyfriend.. and once that thought is in my head, I find it so hard to do anything but think about it.
Yeah I used to get thoughts like that as well. Tbh they just kind of went away, I built up my self esteem, tried my best to block out these thoughts and they just stopped happening. I hope the same happens for you soon :)

Have you tried speaking to your doctor or where ever you get the implant from about this?
 
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amy_0408

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It's good to know that this might eventually stop happening. At the moment, it seems it's the only thing I think about! Yeah I have spoken to my doctor and she said that it might just be the imbalance of hormones and so i'm on a 3 month trial period with the pill as well as the implant. Then when that's finished I can choose whether I want to have the implant taken out. So fingers crossed in two months, things will have improved and I can just be my normal self again.
 
In the Clouds

In the Clouds

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If it doesn't get better you could always try counselling. I didn't have counselling for this but I brought it up in the sessions and it did help a lot. :)
 
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