Paranoia

K

kristenkringle

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Pennsylvania
#1
I'm not even sure if this is triggered by my BPD, but I've been living in a paranoia-induced reality since fifth grade.

I've never talked about this to anyone. Not my therapist, friends, family. No one. I developed the idea that my entire life was broadcasted through my glasses in fifth grade, like they had little cameras in the lenses and I was being livestreamed. Over all the years, it's infested my life. I have fake people in my life where I hallucinate them without actually seeing or hearing them, it's like I'm hallucinating the presence of a person I've built up all these years. I'll idly talk to myself for hours, leave or seclude myself from my friends when we're talking or hanging out to live out this. It's not even something that scares me at this point, it's just a fake reality that I'm constantly living out. No matter how many times I try and tell myself that this isn't real when it's happening, I brush it off like I made a joke. I just can't stop myself. I don't know if this comes from a coping mechanism from my abuse as a child or something deeper, but the only things I have that could affect this are BPD and DID (i also have dermatillomania and experience mania but I don't think those can contribute here), but I have no idea if my alters experience this paranoia-induced phenomenon. I don't know where to start looking for answers on this, I've never met anyone else who's experienced something like this.
 
L

LittleMissNameless

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#2
I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it must feel awfully alienating to live with this for so long.
I have a very similar feeling of being watched, like people have placed camera in my home and I will get changed under my blankets.
I think the most important thing is that you can distinguish that your paranoid thoughts are not reality and its possible you're coping with them in your own way.
I implore you to speak with a mental health professional about this, is there any reason you haven't mentioned it yet?
 
K

kristenkringle

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#3
I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it must feel awfully alienating to live with this for so long.
I have a very similar feeling of being watched, like people have placed camera in my home and I will get changed under my blankets.
I think the most important thing is that you can distinguish that your paranoid thoughts are not reality and its possible you're coping with them in your own way.
I implore you to speak with a mental health professional about this, is there any reason you haven't mentioned it yet?
It's the fear of rejection or that they think I'm lying. I think that if I got back into therapy and told my therapist "hey I've been idly livestreamed since I was 11" they'd think it was a big joke or something, since it really does sound insane that it's not something that scares me anymore
 
L

LittleMissNameless

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#4
Do you think it is a response to social anxiety? you said "leave or seclude myself from my friends when we're talking or hanging out to live out this." You have a difficulty with people so you built up your own world?
 
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kristenkringle

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#5
Do you think it is a response to social anxiety? you said "leave or seclude myself from my friends when we're talking or hanging out to live out this." You have a difficulty with people so you built up your own world?
I'm not sure. I don't have troubles making friends, and have a lovely friend group and partner. I can feel anxious in social situations, but I don't constantly struggle from social anxiety. I seclude myself from my friends because of this because I can't be around anyone else when it's happening. I don't like molding this fake reality and my real life together, it makes my brain a mess
 
G

Girl interupted

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#6
It's the fear of rejection or that they think I'm lying. I think that if I got back into therapy and told my therapist "hey I've been idly livestreamed since I was 11" they'd think it was a big joke or something, since it really does sound insane that it's not something that scares me anymore

A therapist would never do that to you. Not a competent one, at least.

Could these hallucinations your brain’s way of providing you support and “people around you” when you had none?
 
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kristenkringle

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#7
A therapist would never do that to you. Not a competent one, at least.

Could these hallucinations your brain’s way of providing you support and “people around you” when you had none?
honestly? that could be it. i had an extremely secluded childhood around that time and only had contact with my abusers. only saw my friends at school but was moved to a cyber school.. do you think it could have something to do with the seclusion?
 
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Girl interupted

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#8
honestly? that could be it. i had an extremely secluded childhood around that time and only had contact with my abusers. only saw my friends at school but was moved to a cyber school.. do you think it could have something to do with the seclusion?
I’m not sure, but a therapist can help.

It’s what I thought as I read your post, but I’m not a therapist.

I do know, however, about coping mechanisms, and it wouldn’t be a stretch in my opinion that this was one of yours, that became so reliable it still exists today.

Once you start exploring it in therapy, prepare yourself for farewells. I imagine it will feel like quite a loss, and will have its own mourning period, but it’s a very positive step forward for you. Xo.
 

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