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Paranoia is driving me suicidal

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leadingforw

New member
Joined
Oct 18, 2016
Messages
1
Friends, i have a very serious problem with paranoia that is causing me to become super depressed. First pardon my English (I am from Europe). I will try to explain whats is going on:

This is my third outbreak of paranoia actually, the first one happened when i was like 12-13, i remember at that age i was paranoid that ghosts or aliens are trying to abduct me and all day and night i was thinking about that. It was so serious, that even when we had car crash (Thank God no casualties), i kept thinking about paranoia instead of the real situation. It was completely consuming. The paranoia and the depression that followed lasted about 1-2 years. However, when puberty began i the paranoia faded away and realized how impossible this was.

When i was 19 in a nightclub for bad luck i end up being in a middle of football fan's fight and someone hit me very hard on the head that caused so serious shocked (i've never been knocked down before), that i completely lost memory about the moments that happened. Friends ofcurse told me what happened, but a few days latter i developed horrible paranoia that all this was an act and i was the target. I somehow started to believe that the government(yes, good old government) wants to experiment with me or that they are mistaking me with someone else. For a period of almost an year i believed they somehow spy on me, that may have performed some secret operation and stuff like that. Now all this sounded super insane and i was able to understand that so i never ever told anyone whats going on, but it was killing on the inside. Anyways an year later i completly forgot about it and again started to realize how crazy this whole thing was.

Unfortunetly, now at 25 i have my paranoia back, but this time its lot more serious. I started to suspect absolutely everyone. And i know this is crazy and impossible but i do. now i dare to say that i am the type of guy that have many good friends and also a lot people that dont like me. I wont give you details who i am or what i do but my life in the last 3-4 years was exposed to really serious stress (i wasnt stressed, but the my life was full of situations that not everyone could cope with). Finaly, in the last year things calmed down, i had enough money, good relationship with friends, girlfriend that was with me during the hard years of my stressfull job and everything, and than parnaoia kicked in. From an year ago i fear all possible things and my mind just wont let the reallity take over. The first stress started when i found virus in one of my computers. Now nothing unusual since these things happenes, but then i started to fear it was attentional and someone was spying on me.The paranoia exploded to so powerfull extent, that i started to fear eveyrything (my facebook, email, or our company's site that i control and everything )was hacked long ago and some of those people i dont like was spying on me all that time, that they manipulated people using my accounts and turned them against me, i started to fear that my laptop/phones were used to attack some government stuff (yes again), and now basicaly i fear everyone is against me (friends, governments, powerfull people i dont know). I started to suspect my previous landlords since i lived on rents the last couple of years, i started to research they trying to figure out if they have any connection with those few people i dislike. Ever ssince the paranoia began, i changed two other rents and i was always suspecting the landlord that he is doing something while i am gone or while i sleep. I, ofcuse, broke up with my girflrend, but the worst part is all i care is the paranoia nothing else. It may sound selfish but this thing is so serious that i simply cant think for absbolutly nothing else. I dont go out with friends anymore, i have bad problems at work and i am losing money really fast. Apart from that, i started to fear that these people that i fear about have hacked also my family, and my ex girlfriend and they are doing harm to them as well. The worst things is that i know its alsmost 99.9% just in my head, and even if this 0.1% is real, even if they hacked my accounts or those of my closest, still no one will simply target me because of that, but i my mind is totaly occupied with that. My mind tries to persuade me that someone used my accounts to threaten and to insult rich and powerfull people, and that those people are now planning to take revenge on my (although i have not done anything). I believe dose rich and powerfull people are stupid enough to take that seriously and now they are after me and my family. I dont even know what they are planning to do, but i started to fear going to the local shops and hypermarkets, i started to thing they are all cooperating aginst me.
Now i realize how impossible all this is. First of all those people that don't like are people i had problems with somewhere in the past. I haven't seen any of them in years. I basically am sure they had nothing in common with the people i rented my apartments from, neither with my friends or people i lived with. I've set passwords to every device i have, i also bought motion cameras, but i still fear that the damage may already happned and i am targeted. I also fear about my family being targeted too, and also my ex- girlfriend that i still care about. Worst part is i have no one to blame about in reality (except myself, because if someone really hacked my accounts it was because i was not carefull in the past, leaving my laptops and computers unlocked on different places) It's evan scarier that i am not sure what exactly those people will try to do to me, i fear they will try to mess with my brain or try to poison me, to disable me all possible horrible stuff you can imagine. I even fear if i die they will countine with their plan to destroy my image in the society. In reallity, no one hates me that much, but my paranoid mind says other ways. I have isolated myself really bad and depression is getting just as strong as the paranoia. I fear i wont get pass it this time like i did before. For first time ever, i started thinking of commiting suicide. I would prefer to kill myself than let those people i dont like execute their plan.

Now i dont have any serious reasons to be so paranoid, i am sure its just me and my brain. I will never talk with someone about that, first because they will assume i am insane- if i hear myself i will assume that as well. I know they are millions of people out there with lot harder problems, but this 0.001% chance that something happened is destroying me. I wake up 4-5 times at night with pounding heart, full of fear. Since i think about this 90% of the time my heart is feeling like squeezed, sometimes i feel like my head is overheating, like my face is burning. I also had 4-5 panic attacks- but they was happening even before when i was not paranoid. This paranoia runs in my family since my grandfather had similar symptoms (he used to lock himself like crazy), still non of my parents has it. If i cant manage to pass throuh that i will simply end my life. It will be a waste, because just because some mind problem, but it is what it is. I started to realize that people in general are dont care about this things, they never seem paranoid, i dont know are they stupid or just dont care, they leave their phones, connect to wifi's everywhere, trust they landlords, friends that they dont know that well, i find that being really stupid, i was stupid myself in the past and all that fear is because of that now. Anyways, if anyone had something similiar happened to him please give me some advices what to do. I will never take any pills though that you can be 100%. I will also never tell to anyone in reallife, although people are seeing something is dead wrong in my behaviour. This mental thing is such horrible punishment, i lost most of my faith in God, not just because of me, but when i see the world outhere, total injustice, how can i not fear someone will target me even if i am innocent.

Thanks all for your time ;)
 
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Pixieb34

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2016
Messages
216
Location
England
With me it's an anxiety thing, I keep thinking phone calls from my phone company are not really them, they seem to ask personal questions. I definitely feel anxious right now, and my social worker reckons it's connected to the anxiety. There are tips to lessen anxiety like deep breathing exercises, online. I thought it was crap, but it does help a bit.
 
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