- Mar 13, 2020
Today I came close to ending my life, I managed to stop myself though. I have been able to stay on the surface and control my thoughts for the last 10 years, but today I just fell through. I´m turning 30 soon. I have been trying so hard to get by, day by day, faking every social interaction for so long, and all my attempts to make my life better and break through have been a failure, all because of this crippling disease, or whatever it is. I have been bursting to tears the last couple of days... I really want to live, I want to live so much but I cant. I cant pull through in my attempts to sort out my life. I recently lost an opportunity for a relationship with a wonderful woman, this too went down the drain because of my hollowness and insecurity, I can´t be open with people, I have to hide the depression, it makes me nervous that they´ll see through me. I can fake social interactions for a couple of hours, but soon enough people start to see through it, the hollow part of me, that doesn´t project any joy or happiness out in the world, insecure and no confidence, it´s just awful... nobody wants to be around a person like that. Everyone turns stiff and uncomfortable around me, even a part of myself, it´s as if the depression is another person inside me that I´m constantly trying to keep from taking control, it´s so obvious and clear, has it´s own identity... if I could just get rid of it I would be normal functioning human being. This loneliness is the worst part, I have been lonely all my life. The depression is heavily fueled by this. How am I supposed to even overcome this if I can´t make friends or have a relationship because the depression is fueled by loneliness? It´s a vicious circle of negativity that synergises. It´s not Autism, or Asperger, I have done tests. I was thinking about going to therapy but I have enough self-awareness to have a conversation with myself. It´s just so hopeless. Can´t even get proper sleep because of horrible nightmares, waking up soaking wet. I´m worried about tomorrow... right now I´m feeling ok, but I´m worried about feeling like I did earlier in the day, that it´s going to come back, I´ve never felt so much despair at once. I believe the fact that I blew the relationship with this women made me realize certain things about myself, the fact that this is going to be the rest of my life, I can´t endure that.