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Painful life

K

kawasakidad

Guest
Feel like there is a neon target on my back or least something along the lines of please abuse me. For all of my life it has been nothing but pain and misery I know that is life but not to this level of experience. There is not a pain that I don't think that I have experienced so far, it don't matter how strong you are eventually it gets us all. (This maybe long)

I have D.i.D a very difficult problem to have, made worse by the Constance of trauma. As well as being a pain DID also makes me incredibly strong and resilient but at a price. Over the years I have taken a lot of damage, my history of constant physical, sexual and mental abuse, though im now 32 it still has not stopped. I can not live in peace and I can not die either thanks to DID and something odd with my blood apparently. Not for the lack of trying, im up to about 173 attempts now according to records. I just don't know what to do anymore.


D.i.D + children go together in my life its the connection my therapist says because im very close to children because what happened to me when I was young. I lost my wife and child a few years ago less than a minute after birth which I can tell you is a pain that no one should ever have to face. Somehow survived it and later had another child.


Abuse never stops, seems like certain people attract abusive people. At the moment im randomly getting raped still by people that know DID and how to get round its structure being "professionals" grooming and trapping but no defence against it, well one but there is no way I can do that. Means releasing my strongest personality from confinement of its cage but I don't know what I am more scared of rape or it. Im sure something gone on lately I have no memory of because im grazed ...there no idea how but been through it that many times I know the signs.


My daughter is my pride and joy, the only reason to be, the light in my life. this is my worst issue currently and need help. The mother of the child was someone that I never thought possible bonded in ways I don't understand but led me down a road that I never saw possible but inevitable it would end the same way of abuse. Using my DID against me, learning how to manipulate by threatening ending it, or using previous abuse strategy to control. I cant start to explain it but she is the type you can not say no to without consequences. We broke up because during a lot of therapy I started to turn back the control and finally could say no.


Punishment, said no and my daughter became the weapon of abuse. Since not together cant abuse me anymore only way was through my daughter so now you cant have her when you want. Said a load of rubbish that basically meant she wanted all the things she got in the relationship but without the relationship, of course I said no and then got punished again so ok you can see your daughter 2 hours a week supervised. Kept it up and said can you do this for me and another no was threatened with contact centre. I am not a bad parent in any way, as I said love children but women have a higher authority when it comes to children hence control. Its not right to use a child as a weapon, then claim abuse when it was the other way round. At one point I had to separate myself from her for a duration of time because all I got was anger, rage and abuse daily and eventually (in therapy) managed to pull It off despite her being my everything and my master. She is very self righteous and believes herself innocent. Would not even let me have my girl on fathers day.... because she can. She is pathetic, cant see she is using my daughter as a weapon for her anger at me.


My daughter is my weakness and a trigger. I can never bare to get rid of anything to do with her just so I can feel close to her, I keep everything even water bottles because it pains me to rid of them. My daughter has become a trauma, pain because of the lack of being close to her. I get afraid before I see her every week don't know why but believe its because I know the pain comes after she leaves. After she has gone I get extremely depressed and having DID makes it worse because you don't know how all will react to it. Self harm and suicide are usually the top reactions. The other reaction comes from a guardian / protective class of personality but this scares me just as much, when I say there is nothing wont do I mean that rather literally, talking to me now I have opened this topic and its far from pleasant. The whole thing has overtaken my life, I cant do anything without being triggered by it. Everything I do leads back to my daughter > the situation.


I have started the process to take her to court which is going to be massively traumatic, last time I did this created such a problem things were never the same again. I feel though this is long I have not scratched the surface of the problem but trying to keep it shortish.
 
exyz

exyz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
Hello to you,
Words sometimes are not enough when you read someone's story. :hug1:
You sound so sad and I feel so useless in replying because I can hear your pain.

I cannot write very well today but you are very welcome here. I think perhaps we may have met before online elsewhere. If it is ok I will send you a pm as I may be mistaken. No reply needed. :)

We are listening, and I hope that it helps you to have company here.
 
K

kawasakidad

Guest
Hi exyz, I tried to reply to your PM but I believe you have turned off the ability to receive replies. How you been love?
 
exyz

exyz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
Sorry! I've tried to fix it. :hug1: will pm back in a while.
Not a good day today for me. At war with the broad band provider, it keeps going off and I am disappearing on Friday until I get old provider back a week later.:rolleyes:

I'm a lot better than I was our dear pal, thanks for asking.

It has been a long time. You have been to hell and back a few times now. I'm so sorry that you have never been able to see the first child, it was so horrible for you (and still is I realise.)

I do remember all the struggles that you had with d.i.d. and I remember that your MH support was terrible.

I am so sorry that you are struggling to see your three year old, she sounds so clever. I'm a grandmother now to two little girls.
I expected better understanding of your partner :sorry: That is awful. I imagine that the situation triggers you so much.

I'll try and sort my pm out now.
 
K

kawasakidad

Guest
Your BB don't happen to be talk talk does it because I went to war with them a year ago too, suck. Sadly my life has not got better only worse, I thought that I had the love of my life, but with everything else do you know what hell really is? all your pleasures turned into nightmares. Having a child with IT was the worst mistake I ever made apart from the 99% pk child we had it was a mistake. You know a parent that accuses me of being abusive (mainly because I started to say no and hated it) but for someone that tried to murder her own child is really the icing on the cake for me. Useless parent.... ok watch my daughter while I go pee, looking at her ipad said ok, come back downstairs and was glued to the ipad back turned not even paying attention that my girl was inside the oven …. solid parenting. (sorry venting) I am a great parent even by my self hating standards I love my puddin she is my pride and joy but like all pleasures hell follows.
 
exyz

exyz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
I think when you have been through abuse, being a parent makes you so hyper vigilant.
Your childhood was so awful too.:sorry:

I'm smiling at you calling her "your puddin":) It's something I say too.
This is a good thing in your life despite all the hell that surrounds it.

I hope that you have found a good therapist finally, after all the people who pretended but had never quite met someone who really does have d.i.d.

I'm having trouble with BT, have managed to get out of the contract they are so awful here, but I'll be off the forum about a week until the new provider starts. Long and boring story.

I hope for you to have better days:hug1:
 
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