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P*ssed Off

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Apotheosis

Guest
Hello all -

Sorry about this - but I need to vent & have a moan.

I had been feeling more positive about things earlier this month; the weather was better, there were things to look forward to, & I had some plans. I just feel bad again now - today I have been on my own all day, again, & I have been thinking about death allot the past few days. I went for a psych appointment the other day - he said my present diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenia (in remission) & poly substance misuse (presently abstinent) - it sounds so wonderful doesn't it? Still no joy on getting any kind of talking therapy - they don't care.

Had a big argument with my bro the other day - he was pissed out of his mind, he is a steroid addict & has mood swings. He is a good bloke, but I get so frustrated with him sometimes. He told me, when we were arguing, that he had been through more & had to go through the same thing in relation to my MH problems! What a laugh, he refuses to speak to me about my difficulties & just tells me to exercise more & stop blaming the tablets - he hasn't got a f*cking clue what it is like to live with this stuff day in & day out.

It's over 10 years now since I was in a relationship, over 10 years without a job, & I'm sick of it all. I try to have hope - but that's all it is, hope wears thin after a while. I had planned to do a degree in September. The course I wanted to do was in psychology & computing, & was advertised as being part time on the UNI web site. I went for an interview with the UNI learner support, they were very helpful; but it turns out that the course is not part time, but full time & the computer aspect to it is very small. I've looked at all the other courses, there are very few part time, & none that really take my fancy. I don't think I could handle a full time course, & if I could; it would mess up benefits & I don't think my heart would be in it. I thought if I did get a degree - then what is the point of it? I'm not well enough to be in work, & the rate I'm going - I will be the most qualified person in the graveyard anyway. A degree qualification would just sit there gathering dust & be just as useless as making any difference to anything as all the other qualifications I have got.

Money is getting so tight & prospects so poor - that I am getting my old fears back about the future & how I will live. I keep thinking I will end up on the streets with no one & nothing. I have been trying to develop my faith & spirituality again. I really do try my best to have a faith in God - but it feels like God doesn't believe in me, really, it feels like I'm cursed some days & that the Universe really does have it in for me. I wish I could cry, but I can't, the only time I have a tear is watching the occasional film; or reading something which is moving. God knows I've tried my best; but this life, this World, sometimes it seems so f*cking pointless. When I'm feeling like this it is only the thought of how my mum & bro would feel - that keeps me from genuinely wishing I was dead. I still feel like death would be as an old friend. It will come eventually - then this sh*t will be over.

Thanks for reading , if you could be bothered to read this far.

I will probably feel better in a day or two, & it all carries on.......
 
Libra1

Libra1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2008
Messages
515
Location
West Midlands
Hi Apotheosis,

sorry to read you are not doing so well today, I'm sending you a :hug:

When you mentioned exercise, what and where do you go? I go to a aerobic low impact exercise group, followed by an aquatone class which is ideal for me as I am mobility impaired and suffer with 'chronic pain'. I go to my local leisure centre run by council. Could you look into that in your area? :) It is great seeing so many friendly faces each week :)

Do you have a library where you live? Would books or arts interest you?

The other thing I would like to suggest, has your local MH centre/hospital where you are seen by docs or Cpn have any support groups you would be interested in going along too?

Is there a Mind or Rethink group local to you?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to give you some hints of places to try or get involved with.

Apotheosis, do not suffer or worry alone when you have the thoughts that this world would be better off without you, please get in touch with your Gp, the Samaritans etc, or as you know just keep posting here as often as you need - there is always someone here to help, support, suggest or just listen to you :hug:

Have you ever thought about writing daily in a journal at home, or starting one here - that may help you out.

Sorry I cannot offer anything else at the mo, but Pm me if you want to moan any more I am very patient and a good listener.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::grouphug:
 
T

telemetry9

Guest
Hello there. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote about.

I haven't had a relationship or been intimate with someone for a good few years now. I sometimes think will it ever happen again. But maybe when the time is right it will. When i am ready.

Living alone with mental illness is a big challenge. I have feelings and thoughts of death on a regular basis and it is the thought of leaving my sister alone that stops me. But there are times I can see that however flawed my life is, it belongs to me and I have a right to it. No matter what others may think or what the depression tells me about myself. But i know what it feels like to think of each day as a challenge and obstacle in some way. Each of those days we do learn something, however small it may seem you have accomplished something and found a new reason to continue.

My own faith in God helps me enormously and prayer helps me at the times when I really feel I won't make it on my own or the system seems to be against me. But that is a personal thing and I'm not a religious person - I just have my faith that I try and hold onto. Don't ever think that your life doesn't have a purpose because it does to the people who know you - or the person you choose to say hello to in passing. Or even the words you write in a forum like this.

The sense of being disliked by the universe is part of your illness. The sense that we may not be worthy of our own lives but we know we have to challenge that lie. Each person on this planet has a right to claim their life as their own. Learning to turn around that dialogue of negative sense is something we can do. I try to think of times when I helped someone or things in the past that were positive and wouldn't have been possible without me.

Your post helped me a lot because I could identify with the vast majority of it. You helped me realize I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. That there is a common link in how some of us see ourselves and yet we still try to make things work somehow - even when it seems like we have so little to go on.

All the best
Robert.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Hi Apotheosis,

sorry to read you are not doing so well today, I'm sending you a :hug:
Thanks for the reply Libra1.

When you mentioned exercise, what and where do you go? I go to a aerobic low impact exercise group, followed by an aquatone class which is ideal for me as I am mobility impaired and suffer with 'chronic pain'. I go to my local leisure centre run by council. Could you look into that in your area? :) It is great seeing so many friendly faces each week :)
I do very little to no exercise at all. Sometimes all I do in a day in walk up & down the stairs - if I leave the flat. I feel very unmotivated to exercise. It is very good that you get out & do so, especially with chronic pain. I enjoy swimming; & when the weather is good I often swim in the sea. I go through times of swimming in the local baths - but find it hard to keep up - especially when I have no one to go with. Like I say it comes down to the motivation & self worth thing. I feel like I can't be bothered allot of the time. I have good intentions - I wanted to do Thai Chi - & swim regularly again, It's difficult with little to no support. I do have good friends - but people get busy with their own lives.

Do you have a library where you live? Would books or arts interest you?
I love books & the arts. I read a fair amount & research things on-line. I used to paint, but I am uninspired - I don't see allot of point any more in putting pen to page. I started writing a book - but I didn't get past the first chapter. I am into computers in a big way. I put another PC together earlier in the week. Last year I went to some orchestral performances; which was enjoyable.

The other thing I would like to suggest, has your local MH centre/hospital where you are seen by docs or Cpn have any support groups you would be interested in going along too?
I have little to zero support from MH services - the CPN's I find little help even when I am chronically ill. I have recently attended a "rethink" group, which was helpful; I have some more coming up.

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to give you some hints of places to try or get involved with.
It's ok - it helps to chat. I kind of know what I need to do & what will help. It is just difficult to get the motivation & to keep going sometimes. Even the basics become a struggle for me some days.

Apotheosis, do not suffer or worry alone when you have the thoughts that this world would be better off without you, please get in touch with your Gp, the Samaritans etc, or as you know just keep posting here as often as you need - there is always someone here to help, support, suggest or just listen to you :hug:
Thanks - I don't trust or particularly like doctors, & I don't want to take antidepressants on top of what I am already taking. It is hard to discus allot of this stuff, because so many people simply don't have a clue (I don't mean here). It does help to post on here.

Have you ever thought about writing daily in a journal at home, or starting one here - that may help you out.
Same problem - I never keep it up.

Sorry I cannot offer anything else at the mo, but Pm me if you want to moan any more I am very patient and a good listener.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::grouphug:
Thanks again - I do feel a bit better than I did earlier. It's all part of life; I expect tomorrow will be better.
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
Living alone with mental illness is a big challenge. I have feelings and thoughts of death on a regular basis and it is the thought of leaving my sister alone that stops me. But there are times I can see that however flawed my life is, it belongs to me and I have a right to it. No matter what others may think or what the depression tells me about myself. But i know what it feels like to think of each day as a challenge and obstacle in some way. Each of those days we do learn something, however small it may seem you have accomplished something and found a new reason to continue.

My own faith in God helps me enormously and prayer helps me at the times when I really feel I won't make it on my own or the system seems to be against me. But that is a personal thing and I'm not a religious person - I just have my faith that I try and hold onto. Don't ever think that your life doesn't have a purpose because it does to the people who know you - or the person you choose to say hello to in passing. Or even the words you write in a forum like this.

The sense of being disliked by the universe is part of your illness. The sense that we may not be worthy of our own lives but we know we have to challenge that lie. Each person on this planet has a right to claim their life as their own. Learning to turn around that dialogue of negative sense is something we can do. I try to think of times when I helped someone or things in the past that were positive and wouldn't have been possible without me.

Your post helped me a lot because I could identify with the vast majority of it. You helped me realize I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. That there is a common link in how some of us see ourselves and yet we still try to make things work somehow - even when it seems like we have so little to go on.

All the best
Robert.
Thanks Robert for your kindly & positive words. Yes allot of this stuff is the "illness" I think - whatever that is. I get confused with stuff. I don't follow any one particular religion either & I have my own system of ideas which I get help from.

It's like this negativity comes out of no where; & then it colours everything. Too much time on my own recently I think, & not discussing things allot with people. There's something seriously wrong with the World (as we know) - I am affected by things that go on - more than most I think.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
Hi

:) Hello Apotheosis i just rea your thread "p*ssed off. How r u feeling now?
I did try a course in psycoholgy{excuse my spellings i dont know how 2 spell check i've only had my computer a month) Anyway i was really keen 2 start the course because i thought i understood stuff well after the 2nd week my head nearly blew off with pressure. I didnt understand it at all. The teachings as i c it were nothing like the emotions of it all. It was more like a mathematical couse n i just had 2 get out of the class room. I think i was the only :mad: person there they all seemed like "well normal" 2 me so that was that n it took me quite a while 2 come 2 terms with my failure of it all.
1 thing i try 2 stay with regards poor mental health is that we shouldnt have 2 find reasons as 2 y things r the way that they r or y we feel the way we do. ITS not fair i know but just like a physical health condition. ITS there. Does that make sense. I suppose we should thank the people that campaign 4 us n r rights. WE SHOULDNT HAVE 2 MAKE EXCUSES 4 R SELFS. I know that we do n i'm guilting myself but it shouldnt b that way. I do hide myself from lots of people n situations because there isnt the understanding. n i do feel as "a less than 1st class citizen in the world" but it shouldnt b that way. I hide from the neighbours n stuff.
It is hard having feelings of suicide (but @ least having found this forum i know know i'm not alone.) Its a really horriable thing 2 have 2 experience n i know times when i have told some people in the past ive been told 2 get on with it. If only some so called "normal people knew what we have 2 go through on a daily basis. I do just get so annoyed by the people that swing the lead 2 claim benefit that dosent help r fight. It sounds like im on a cusade now i think im just gonna post a short reply 2 people n i get lost in my own thoughts. Hope u have a good day james/COLOR]
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
:) Hello Apotheosis i just rea your thread "p*ssed off. How r u feeling now?


Hi James - I still feel pissed off, but not quite as bad as yesterday. I'm just gonna take it easy for the day & then go out later tonight to meet up with a few people.

I did try a course in psycoholgy{excuse my spellings i dont know how 2 spell check i've only had my computer a month) Anyway i was really keen 2 start the course because i thought i understood stuff well after the 2nd week my head nearly blew off with pressure. I didnt understand it at all. The teachings as i c it were nothing like the emotions of it all. It was more like a mathematical couse n i just had 2 get out of the class room. I think i was the only :mad: person there they all seemed like "well normal" 2 me so that was that n it took me quite a while 2 come 2 terms with my failure of it all.
This is the thing - I don't think my head would handle cramming in all the different convoluted explanations of human behaviour on a psychology degree. We have experienced this stuff first hand - many haven't, there are so many theories & ideas about what it is & how to deal with it. People that haven't been there - simply cannot comprehend what it is like. Allot of people simply follow whatever current theory & explanation that is fashionable.

1 thing i try 2 stay with regards poor mental health is that we shouldnt have 2 find reasons as 2 y things r the way that they r or y we feel the way we do. ITS not fair i know but just like a physical health condition. ITS there. Does that make sense. I suppose we should thank the people that campaign 4 us n r rights. WE SHOULDNT HAVE 2 MAKE EXCUSES 4 R SELFS. I know that we do n i'm guilting myself but it shouldnt b that way. I do hide myself from lots of people n situations because there isnt the understanding. n i do feel as "a less than 1st class citizen in the world" but it shouldnt b that way. I hide from the neighbours n stuff.
I keep my distance from the neighbours as well - I don't want them knowing my business. I had a chat with a friend last night & he pointed out that allot of it is self stigma, & he is right. Allot of it I think comes down to my own lack of self acceptance & being too hard on myself - self criticism. I heard a very good talk recently on recovery, & the speaker said if you do nothing else; just stop criticising yourself - & things will improve. It is difficult to apply positive thinking - I am aware of allot of techniques & methods for self development - But it is a different matter applying them when I feel so bad & unmotivated.

It is hard having feelings of suicide (but @ least having found this forum i know know i'm not alone.) Its a really horriable thing 2 have 2 experience n i know times when i have told some people in the past ive been told 2 get on with it. If only some so called "normal people knew what we have 2 go through on a daily basis. I do just get so annoyed by the people that swing the lead 2 claim benefit that dosent help r fight. It sounds like im on a cusade now i think im just gonna post a short reply 2 people n i get lost in my own thoughts. Hope u have a good day james
It's society which is the problem & peoples attitudes to this stuff. I ended up shouting & swearing at someone I know yesterday, when they told me to stop moaning & to shut up. I haven't lost my rag like that in a long time. It doesn't make me feel better, that I have helped this person out allot & sat with them on a number of occasions when they have been distressed & in tears, comforted them & been there for them. I moan very little & when I do tell people how I'm feeling I get that! I chatted to another friend the other day about schizophrenia, & they said it was split personality, I explained that it wasn't & gave them my understandings of it. But even when I do try explaining stuff to people - I don't think they really want to think any differently about this stuff. The media image of the violent "split personality, madman, schizophrenic" is so ingrained within peoples minds, that generally that's all the majority of people associate with the term schizophrenia.
 
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jamesdean

Guest
In resonse 2 your reply

:)Hi the thing is that mental health is all under 1 umbrella n i guess people get frightened. I dont personally have schizophrenia but i have meet lots of people who hve n i'm going 2 b honest. When i 1st went in2 the psycheatrict ward my 1st experience was a girl in the next room screaming so loud that the light bulb shattered n the next morning the girl that had been screaming was a girl i knew n had been working with whom i'd been 2 her house n had had a cup of t. the day that i went 4 t there was 3 of us, she mad the t in a lovely silver t pot it was a shame 4 her regards her flat it didnt even have a window. But anyway we sat down n she poured the t 4 4 of us clearly there was only 3 of us but i didnt say anything i just acceotrd it. There r lots of other examples in my life but ive tried 2 say i'm in this world n so i will try 2 accept as much as i can. I mean when i was in the hospital we would all hang out in the wri t bar n bunk off ot.theres things which i laughed @ n theres things i didnt understand. But i didnt laugh any 1.
In the world outside the hospital i guess its a little bit differant. There r some mad people that dont have a mental illness n ther r some evil people aswell . Theres all kinds of people. But there r some people who have schizoprenia who r fun n have a sense of humour n idid meet a guy who lived very much an hippy lifestyle n ithink he said it kinda give his hippy lifestyle a new meaning as he gotten older but he still laughed n smoked his pot he clearly was never gong 2 kill any 1.
I live with depression but i try really hard 2 make light of my life even in the darkest days n 4 example if i go in2 the bank i always say hi 2 the assitant n ask r u having a nice etc n people find it really difficult 2 cope with because all that they r used 2 is doom n gloom. The breakfast news is the worst 4 portraying the negative side of mental health these r the kinds of area that need education. But as i said i'm beening honest i dont understand everthing n i get frightened some times because like i said is all under 1umbrella n i have been in the waiting @ clinic a little bit frightened not of any 1 thing n proberly more fearful 4 the person them self's who (how can i put) that may b they r not comfortable them selves i know when i was @ my lowest i didnt want 2 b in the world of normality i tried 2 get some time in a monastery with the monks i think they let me out of hspital far 2 early i couldnt cope i needed far more security.
the really sad thing is i made friends once with some 1 n let them live with me n i really did have the most awful time. This was a so called normal person n i found 2 my own mental health expense how evil this person was n i was frightened because of the damage that was done. Take care james /SIZE]
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
Hi

:)Hi ive had some fresh air now n i was thinking about this coversation whilst i was out. There really r many many examples of the experiences i have had with other people all. i guess i was trying 2 say just because some1 is something, whatever that is a singer 4 instance its what u do with the life skills u have. I go around town n the homeless people really do make me angry begging 4 money 4 a cup of t 4 them n usually a dog then i c them up the road with great big mcdonalds. I would love a mcdonalds every day but cannot afford it i have 2 eat tescos value food. But i dont go n stab these people so in life its not going 2 b some1 whos got mental health conditions that r the mad axe men thats gonna kill some1. It could b your work colleague who sudenly flips. I mean there r some really evil people like people in trusted positions 4 example who abuse children n then go home 2 the wife n kids as if nothings happened. It isnt because some 1 is something that makes them kill some1. But equally i have meet some people that r mad. I mean i think i'm mad but i have a shave n i try n have some nice after shave on theres no excuse 4 dirty peole on the streets when i was homeless due 2 & as aresult of mental health i lived in a nice hostel with lots of mad people but there was soap n water n i guess if people r 2 ill 2 wash then they really should b getting treatment n may b thats where the system lets people down. I guess thats how the normal people make their judgements by what they think they c on the streets. 2 kinda sum up what i'm saying i get frigthtened myself & have 2 b carefull but not because some 1 is labelled but life can b frightening & u just dont know what life might throw @ u i had a friend who was a care assitant n she was threated with an axe. Sorry i do go on/SIZE]
 
Colin76

Colin76

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
781
Location
Northampton
Hi Apotheosis.

I know it can be hard.

I can relate to the bad times. I was diagnosed with manic depression ( or bipolar to give it it's posh name ), i have been up and down more times than i can remember. I seen my psychaitrist last week hoping to have my medication changed completely but to no avail. He has decided he wants to keep me on the same medication but re-adjust the doses. The past seven days have been like a living hell, i have been very badly depressed again and unfortuanatly began to self harm again. Last wednesday i seriously contemplated ending it all as i really had had enough of this illness but i am here today still battling on even though life is one big struggle at the moment.

I'm off to visit my neice and nephews over the weekend and will try to open up to my sister about the past week.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Hi James Dean - Yes, we have to be aware & alert, living day to day, there is violence within society & anyone is capable of it. A mentally ill person is not excluded from being violent, but they are far more likely to be victims of violent crime, & far less likely to be perpetrators. I just resent the general public's misconceptions around mental illness.

Hi Colin76 - Sorry that you are having a hard time with things too. I have started to feel allot better than I did the other day. For a very long time I have sought alternative help & more assistance from MH services; there isn't a great deal of support from them, & what they do offer is minimal anyway. If I had the resources (money), I would go into long tern Jungian therapy with an appropriate counsellor, & seek other therapeutic assistance. I do what I can, life can be hard - it is for many people, in UK society, & around the World. I would suggest phoning your psych & being honest about how you have been. Do you have a CPN? If not it may be beneficial to request one. I hope that the weekend is enjoyable for you.

Generally I function quite well, but the Doctors & psych services aren't really interested in doing anything beyond the minimum; if they see that you generally function, well, then they are satisfied. In the past I have had "most" help from services at crisis point & when I have been chronically ill. Then there have been the hospitalisations, CPN's, & social workers, etc. When I have got stable, in a short space of time the help stops. I am presently very grateful & satisfied with my living conditions. If things deteriorated then I sometimes think that the best course of action would be to get ill, become homeless, register NFA & act out enough to get sectioned; because then you have access to the best of the "help" that they offer. I like the old Chinese medical ethos - where the Doctors job was to keep a man well, if they became ill they weren't doing their job. Western societies ethos is reversed almost. They patch you up & shove you back out the door.
 
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Apotheosis

Guest
I've not been feeling too good again; depressed in fact. Not wanting to see people, just feel best when I'm sat indoors. I have made plans to go out tomorrow, going swimming & then to watch a kick boxing evening. Don't really wanna go.

I went to see a friend earlier; but he was more interested in listening to some music he had on, than chatting, & being preoccupied with his GF. I did go shopping, I bought a nice meal for tonight. I also bought a book I have been meaning to read, Eckhart Tolle - "A New Earth" Which should be good.

I put a low spec PC together the other week, & I have been using it as my main pc. I do enjoy messing about with computers. It has been running with on board graphics, but I have ordered a low spec graphics card, will get on Monday. That's about the biggest thing I am looking forward to - installing it in the machine & having a play around with it.

If the weather gets a bit hotter, then I will get down to the beach next week. That usually lifts my mood. I usually only get these low/bad feelings, more so in the Winter months. It seems to have carried on this year. People in general seem to be allot more low & pissed off than usual, especially with the credit crunch & cost of things; maybe I am partly picking up on general feeling. We do live in very strange times. I have stopped watching the news. About the only info I get on World/local news is the occasional radio broadcast, glancing at the front page of newspapers when I'm in a shop, & if anyone talks about anything. I can't be bothered with keeping up with what's going on in the World any more. I really don't wanna know. I used to look in depth at World events, during certain times. Now going through a stage where I am really not interested in it.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Sorry you're not too good again Apo - you have a really good insight into what you need and what you need to do and anything I say will just be redundant. Been stressed myself lately (but then I think I need it sometimes just to show I'm alive) but talked to a good friend on the phone today and we ironed things out. Take care. xx
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Thanks Dollit. I dunno really where allot of these feelings come from. I get frustrated with certain situations in my life - but I would no doubt feel the same if even these things were different. I suppose I don't really need to know why I feel like this sometimes. Exercise will help things & getting involved in things a bit more. I find that if I don't make an effort to get around people, then it happens that I see less & less of people. When I feel like this I don't really wanna be around people & it becomes self perpetuating. I do have some good friends & acquaintances. A small, but close family - I have allot to be grateful for.

It seem though that loneliness does get to me, most of the time it is more a solitude & I enjoy my own company. But it's been 10 years since I was in a relationship, & at times it really gets to me, I miss being close to someone, intimate with another. I have been thinking that maybe I am meant to be alone, that this is how it is meant to be. Other times I'm glad to be single. It is better to be single than in a bad relationship, but I do long sometimes to meet someone I could really click with; I just never seem to meet them.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I identify thoroughly with the relationship situation. It's 18 months since I ended my last relationship but it was one of those that no matter how hard you try, the other person just won't let you go. It took me 3 years just to leave and we didn't even live together. Most of the time I'm content on my own but just now and then it would be nice to sit on the sofa and hug someone. I've met lots of men I click with but they just remain friends for one reason or another and I love them all dearly. I don't know if that helps you but it helps me knowing I'm not the only one who feels like that.
 
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