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Overwhelming regret from an anxiety riddled bad decision causing chronic depression

K

Kaiser1

New member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
3
Location
UK
So, last summer i was offered a new job, a god send, life changing and it seems now life saving.
I was fine in the interview, in fact the job was probably mine before I even walked through the door as i'd been recommended to the recruiting manager and I possessed a good deal of knowledge in what is a fairly bespoke industry that isn't easy to come by.
I turned it down after what I can only describe as being ambushed by anxiety and or panic attacks. Irrational thoughts of failure overwhelmed me.
I was given time to rethink my decision and then accepted the role. It was by far the best package i have ever been offered or ever will. Office hours, good salary, company car, interesting work, great team of people.
Upon handing my notice in with my current employer, those doubts began to play havock again.
After two weeks of sleepless nights, weight loss, more and increasingly irrational scenarios, self doubt, FEAR, i retracted my notice.
I have spent every hour of every day for the past nine months regretting this. I actually knew as I pressed send on the email retracting my notice that it was a mistake.
I knew how wrong it was of me to turn it down again having been given another chance.The regret I felt after my initially turning down the role drove me to then accept it when given the second chance. That should have been enough of a taster of how I feel now for me to have avoided this frankly hellish existence.
I am now stuck in a role whereby my skillset is being dismantled and my duties are changing into an area I have absolutely no interest in. On a hard rotational rota, which has taken it's toll on my work/life balance and physical health for a good many number of years.
I cannot come to terms with what I experienced at that time, don't understand it, have never experienced anything like it and as the ramifications of what I have let slip through my fingures continue to mount up, i'm in slipping further and further into a desperate and depressed state. I have another 20 working years to face where I could and should have been embarking on a new and life changing, once in a lifetime, well earned career. Instead I am fighting my way through every day. I have lost all confidence, pride, self respect and desire to live. It's unsustainable, career suicide.
I have been using anti depressants for a number of weeks, changed meds and increased the dosage, tried therapy all of which isn't helping at all. The whole episode feels to me like a surreal nightmare. I see the work I would have been doing every time i'm in work as the company that offered me the job are our main subcontractor. I feel hideous around my colleagues who've watched me gradually break down to a shell of my former self, all from a job offer that anyone else would have snatched up. It just doesn't make any sense to me or them. Opportunities arise at the start of a contract and you take them. Many people have made a lifelong career from humble beginnings this way and i'm the one that failed to do so. I cannot get a break from the feelings of ridicule that I experience when I see anybody that appears content as I now feel I never will be. Blown my one chance of a career i'd of thrived in, which encompassed all the things I've enjoyed about the industry and historically gone out of my way to get involved in. Blown a healthier lifestyle off shifts and blown the chance to work with a good bunch of people that I could learn from and grow with.
This might seem trivial to some, it seems to have to a couple of the therapists i,ve spoken to, but it's just the worst thing i have ever experienced, done, and I really can't even start to move away from it mentally. It's literally all i think about all day long every day and when i try to stop it comes back stronger. I know staying in my current role is not viable now and of course it's not going to end well as I have all but stopped involving myself in any of the activity, i literally turn up and sit in a bubble as my pride, interest, and anything any employer expects fades away.
I have had a handful of episodes whereby rage has overwhelmed me as I of course can only be mad at myself. No one has done wrong by me, I wasn't the victim of a crime, a deception, no traumatic event occurred, I just literally talked/ scared myself out of what was the best thing that could have happened for/to me in a very long time and that I was lucky to have been offered. It was a godsend and I can't accept what I did with it or whats left.
How can I even attempt to forge anything like a palatable life now?
 
K

Kaiser1

New member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
3
Location
UK
All my colleagues, family and friends urged me to take the role as living with someone working shifts isn't easy for me or the family, friends could see the damage the shiftwork was doing to me and colleagues were amazed i'd even given taking the offer a second thought. Coupled with the taster of regret I experienced before accepting to then pull out again just doesn't compute. The rush of endorphines i felt when they allowed me the second chance, how could i forget how good that felt? I don't think the antidepressants can help as their supposed to get you back to where you were before the depression set in but i am where i was before the job offer, ive realised i was depressed due to the shifts and role before this offer came up and so how can meds really help me now. I am right where i was trying to get away from and had got away from. Living is about progressing, moving forward, grabbing opportunities when they come around otherwise your just existing. Out of all the things I could have encountered anxiety over, why was it a positive life changing stroke of good fortune that triggered it? People talk about a fear of change but i knew the work, the people, the location, every aspect of it was a move away from all the things that I despise about the role i am and was doing, had been doing for 13 years and that had run it's course. Of all the forms or regret, it's the things that you don't try that turn out to be the worst because your constantly visualising how better your life could have been. I guess your not going to get through life without any but this feels brutal, unfair, unforgiving and its growing and growing.
 
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