• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Overwhelming regret from an anxiety riddled bad decision causing chronic depression

K

Kaiser1

New member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
3
Location
UK
So, last summer i was offered a new job, a god send, life changing and it seems now life saving.
I was fine in the interview, in fact the job was probably mine before I even walked through the door as i'd been recommended to the recruiting manager and I possessed a good deal of knowledge in what is a fairly bespoke industry that isn't easy to come by.
I turned it down after what I can only describe as being ambushed by anxiety and or panic attacks. Irrational thoughts of failure overwhelmed me.
I was given time to rethink my decision and then accepted the role. It was by far the best package i have ever been offered or ever will. Office hours, good salary, company car, interesting work, great team of people.
Upon handing my notice in with my current employer, those doubts began to play havock again.
After two weeks of sleepless nights, weight loss, more and increasingly irrational scenarios, self doubt, FEAR, i retracted my notice.
I have spent every hour of every day for the past nine months regretting this. I actually knew as I pressed send on the email retracting my notice that it was a mistake.
I knew how wrong it was of me to turn it down again having been given another chance.The regret I felt after my initially turning down the role drove me to then accept it when given the second chance. That should have been enough of a taster of how I feel now for me to have avoided this frankly hellish existence.
I am now stuck in a role whereby my skillset is being dismantled and my duties are changing into an area I have absolutely no interest in. On a hard rotational rota, which has taken it's toll on my work/life balance and physical health for a good many number of years.
I cannot come to terms with what I experienced at that time, don't understand it, have never experienced anything like it and as the ramifications of what I have let slip through my fingures continue to mount up, i'm in slipping further and further into a desperate and depressed state. I have another 20 working years to face where I could and should have been embarking on a new and life changing, once in a lifetime, well earned career. Instead I am fighting my way through every day. I have lost all confidence, pride, self respect and desire to live. It's unsustainable, career suicide.
I have been using anti depressants for a number of weeks, changed meds and increased the dosage, tried therapy all of which isn't helping at all. The whole episode feels to me like a surreal nightmare. I see the work I would have been doing every time i'm in work as the company that offered me the job are our main subcontractor. I feel hideous around my colleagues who've watched me gradually break down to a shell of my former self, all from a job offer that anyone else would have snatched up. It just doesn't make any sense to me or them. Opportunities arise at the start of a contract and you take them. Many people have made a lifelong career from humble beginnings this way and i'm the one that failed to do so. I cannot get a break from the feelings of ridicule that I experience when I see anybody that appears content as I now feel I never will be. Blown my one chance of a career i'd of thrived in, which encompassed all the things I've enjoyed about the industry and historically gone out of my way to get involved in. Blown a healthier lifestyle off shifts and blown the chance to work with a good bunch of people that I could learn from and grow with.
This might seem trivial to some, it seems to have to a couple of the therapists i,ve spoken to, but it's just the worst thing i have ever experienced, done, and I really can't even start to move away from it mentally. It's literally all i think about all day long every day and when i try to stop it comes back stronger. I know staying in my current role is not viable now and of course it's not going to end well as I have all but stopped involving myself in any of the activity, i literally turn up and sit in a bubble as my pride, interest, and anything any employer expects fades away.
I have had a handful of episodes whereby rage has overwhelmed me as I of course can only be mad at myself. No one has done wrong by me, I wasn't the victim of a crime, a deception, no traumatic event occurred, I just literally talked/ scared myself out of what was the best thing that could have happened for/to me in a very long time and that I was lucky to have been offered. It was a godsend and I can't accept what I did with it or whats left.
How can I even attempt to forge anything like a palatable life now?
 
K

Kaiser1

New member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
3
Location
UK
All my colleagues, family and friends urged me to take the role as living with someone working shifts isn't easy for me or the family, friends could see the damage the shiftwork was doing to me and colleagues were amazed i'd even given taking the offer a second thought. Coupled with the taster of regret I experienced before accepting to then pull out again just doesn't compute. The rush of endorphines i felt when they allowed me the second chance, how could i forget how good that felt? I don't think the antidepressants can help as their supposed to get you back to where you were before the depression set in but i am where i was before the job offer, ive realised i was depressed due to the shifts and role before this offer came up and so how can meds really help me now. I am right where i was trying to get away from and had got away from. Living is about progressing, moving forward, grabbing opportunities when they come around otherwise your just existing. Out of all the things I could have encountered anxiety over, why was it a positive life changing stroke of good fortune that triggered it? People talk about a fear of change but i knew the work, the people, the location, every aspect of it was a move away from all the things that I despise about the role i am and was doing, had been doing for 13 years and that had run it's course. Of all the forms or regret, it's the things that you don't try that turn out to be the worst because your constantly visualising how better your life could have been. I guess your not going to get through life without any but this feels brutal, unfair, unforgiving and its growing and growing.
 
L

LouieLou

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 1, 2021
Messages
126
Location
Wales
Sorry to hear of your regret. I'm not in a good space myself xan relate to being in same job for too long but my reasons for staying on were different. The best advice I've had from a counsellor is that its ok to exist, we exist to make plans which sometimes fall at the wayside when life gets in the way. She also said its ok not to be ok at points in life. I am still contemplating this wisdom.
 
L

lonely123456

Active member
Joined
Sep 9, 2021
Messages
26
Location
United States
I don’t have any advice. I’m sorry your brain has you playing a constant loop. I don’t know if I have ever had it to your extent, but I know how anxiety can just keep replaying certain scenarios over and over. It seems to add another barbed wire twist on every replay.
I hope you can find something soon that slows down and eventually stops the continuous torturous loop you are in.
 
L

LouieLou

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 1, 2021
Messages
126
Location
Wales
I think the crisis team's answer is to take 1 day at a time and try and find the little joys.
 
S

SadRainbow

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 5, 2021
Messages
1,083
Location
Norfolk
I'm really sorry for what happened. It does sound like you're really beating yourself up about this. I think it's worth persisting with therapy, to help you move on and to work on your anxiety. I really hope you feel better soon.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
V I don't think I can do this anymore, too overwhelming to bare i'm just tired of it all Depression Forum 2
C Overwhelming feelings of loneliness and depression, considering suicide Depression Forum 10
sparrowling Having an overwhelming feeling of wanting to give up... Depression Forum 1
Stripeysocks Thanks for the overwhelming support Depression Forum 25
H Regret. Depression Forum 2
M Suicide due to past mistake/regret Depression Forum 1
M My biggest regret Depression Forum 3
J I left my abusive ex, and regret it Depression Forum 1
V i took a wrong job and i regret it badly it feels like a heart break Depression Forum 11
T did anyone ruin theur life on purpose because you wanted to die, and then regret everything when you come out of depression? Depression Forum 3
T In the end there was only regret Depression Forum 1
S I regret cutting my hair very short. I feel horrible. Depression Forum 5
I i really really regret resigning from my last job at preschool Depression Forum 10
N Loneliness and regret Depression Forum 24
M I'm gonna regret this Depression Forum 48
S regret because of not having sex and party in youth :( Depression Forum 1
A It’s Me Again…Venlafaxine,Anxiety Etc Depression Forum 1
B Anxiety and Depression at 21 years old Depression Forum 8
M High functioning depression and anxiety Depression Forum 18
jajingna Magnesium for depression and anxiety? Depression Forum 1
Fioletovayalien Cold water swimming to treat depression/anxiety Depression Forum 5
R It's not working... Depression and anxiety need help Depression Forum 20
H Drowning in anxiety and feeling incapable as a human being Depression Forum 32
L Acute anxiety & Moderate/Severe Depression Depression Forum 17
O Chronic Depression & Anxiety now leading to physical problems! Depression Forum 10
A Depression and anxiety Depression Forum 5
M Can I take Wellbutrin or Bupropion if I have social anxiety? Depression Forum 2
F Depression or maybe anxiety... looking to control it before it gets worse Depression Forum 8
J Anxiety stress th usual combo Depression Forum 2
whyme88 Overthinking/anxiety leading to depression? Depression Forum 11
C Depression... and anxiety? Depression Forum 13
S anxiety and depression, does it ever end?? Depression Forum 6
whyme88 Anxiety leading to depression? Depression Forum 7
W My Partner Suffers from Depression & Anxiety Depression Forum 6
LostNorthernStar Physical Symptoms of Depression & Anxiety? Depression Forum 12
A What is your bigger struggle, depression or anxiety? Depression Forum 53
E Anxiety Depression Forum 4
D Why do I seemingly not want to get better? Loneliness, failing university, depression, severe anxiety, and not doing anything about it Depression Forum 7
T Depression and Anxiety - possibly triggered by medication Depression Forum 1
M My dad has now caused me to get anxiety attacks Depression Forum 5
P Worry-Anxiety-Trapped Depression Forum 2
W finally not depressed anymore but anxiety is murdering me Depression Forum 7
Murasakibee Christmas Anxiety *tw* Depression Forum 1
Dais Workbook about anxiety and depression I personally found useful. You may like it too. Depression Forum 2
TylersOutlet24 Depression/Anxiety - never ending emotional rollercoaster you DONT want to be on. Depression Forum 3
H Insomnia and anxiety from starting anti-depressant. Suggestions??? Depression Forum 6
S besides self talk what actually reduced your severe depression or anxiety? Depression Forum 17
S Anxiety, Depression, Self-Esteem? Depression Forum 7
TylersOutlet24 How I experience Depression/Anxiety and coping mechanisms to help. Depression Forum 2
Mrs Tiggywinkle Nutrition for depression and anxiety......very good video. 🙂 Depression Forum 3

Similar threads

Top