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Overwhelming rage and mania

B

Bwb003

New member
Joined
Apr 16, 2017
Messages
4
Hi all,

I'm a 30 (in 2 weeks) year old husband and father of 2. I am brand new to the forum, and decided to seek this out due to a recurring plague of manic rage that I undergo approximately once every other month. It used to happen a lot more frequently, however, after having an episode this last Friday again, I decided to reach out to anyone else who may have experienced something like this in their lives.

I'm not diagnosed bipolar, but I've never been to a therapist who prescribes--only one who takes a more behavior modification approach and specializes in male anger--still super helpful. However, I'm starting to believe that there's something underlying my anger and rage that goes deeper than my behaviors and patterns...Here's Why:

When I have these episodes, I become convinced that somehow someone--always my wife, (Years before her, my prior girlfriend of multiple years)--is somehow doing me wrong--most of the time by ignoring me or not attempting to empathize with me or willfully attempting to embarrass me or prove me wrong. Something along those lines. Once this idea sets in, it festers and grows and swells and, unbeknownst to her, I have a swelling rage inside of me to the point that I blow up completely in disdain and disgust for her. I feel so ashamed even writing this because she's a wonderful woman and we have a great relationship, but whenever I get this overwhelming feeling, it's like I "KNOW" that everything is wrong, nothing is right, there's a problem, and it must be fixed--although I don't actually believe it can be. Sometimes, in the midst of the rage, my rational mind will show up and I will have an awareness, of sorts, that everything truly is/can be Ok. But I still "FEEL" that everything is wrong--not just a lighthearted "I feel this way or that way," but I truly feel like everything inside of me is swirling and swarming like a hive of bees--somewhere between anxiety and rage, even as I'm trying to come down from the rage.

Also, always before it reaches its height, I am in a manic, hyperactive, mood--wherein which I think, speak, and react more quickly than anyone around me and quickly grow impatience at what I perceive as a "lack of response" or of being ignored.

The cycle continues as the rage and mania slowly depart me usually about 1 hour after the climax, but the episode is not over. Afterwards, I feel extreme shame, embarrasment, and feelings of unworthiness. Every time I've felt suicidal in the last 4 years has come at this phase. I feel like an utter failure, and everything I was so sure of before in terms of how I was being wronged and how I just KNEW of the problems that existed around me that needed to be fixed now rings in my ears like a memory of the idiocy that I demonstrated in front of someone who loves me and that I love.

I HATE this cycle. And it's decresed in frequency as I've learned to control my anger through the therapy I did receive last year--however, these feelings that arise and seem to have their way with me, seem to exist independently of anything I know or actually believe---the FEELING of everything being wrong, and stressful, and super super urgent, trumps any and all reason.

I'm going to stop now because I feel like I could write about this all night.
Does anyone have anything of a similar experience they could share? I'd really like to get some more insight into this...

Thank you all so much for reading.

Thanks again,

BB
 
I

Inconsiderate

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 8, 2016
Messages
64
Location
Germany
Explain it to your wife (maybe even kids, depends on their age), and make sure they know its completely irrational and has nothing to do with your actual love for them. When you know the climax is approaching, try to get away from them. Do some sort of sport, read, play a video game or watch a series, optimally something that leaves your mind no space to think about your problem.
I also recommend doing something especially nice for your wife after one such "attack", take her out somewhere, do something together, whatever is needed for her to understand your true feelings. You and her need to know that its not you, and (since the frequency is decreasing) you can work towards getting rid of it completely. Until then, make sure to minimize its effects, possibly in the ways I've mentioned above.
 
Q

Queenie

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 30, 2016
Messages
245
Go see your Doctor/GP etc to get assessed. Insight and self-awareness is a good thing and it will help you.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Welcome to the Forum. I use to do what you do. I'd blow up any time and verbally attack people whom I perceived as ignoring me when they were just simply minding their own business. I'd rage at my partner for not emoting enough which obviously means he doesn't care.

But all of my rage was traceable to my poor parenting in childhood; constant invalidation.

You can tell your family that you are sorry for the rage and you really love them; but unfortunately the intense memory of the rage will stand out the most in their minds over the years. I do know that my rage was impacted by medication, lithium.

I took medication because as you described, I was on a vicious cycle with no end in sight. But I did not take the medication until after I lost my family. I think I might not have lost my family if I had taken it sooner.

The rage was not my main issue. I had other behaviors that dominated in the manic phase. And then there was the depressed coming down part where I cried and felt shamed.

I'd look for the best shrink in town if I was you.
 
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B

Bwb003

New member
Joined
Apr 16, 2017
Messages
4
thank you.

Thank you so much for your response and perspective. I oft feel as if "it's not me" that feels, acts, and responds in the way I do when I'm experiencing an episode, but I know that's not enough for my loved ones. I don't want them to accept this behavior any more than I do (I don't). Thank you again for your comment.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,160
hi I just wanted to reach and and say I think you have a huge degree of self understanding which is very rare.

It sounds to my INEXPERT ears like some sort of a mood disorder, possibly even Bipolar, and if it is you can get treatment which will make life much much calmer.

Mood disorders often come from childhood issues, which is why therapy is usually needed in tandem with medication.

I'm undergoing PTSD therapy right now due to childhood trauma, its Hard Work but it does help.

If you had a great childhood w normal parents you could still have inherited bipolar.

Please go and seek professional help, none of you have to live like this!

I think you are very brave for being so honest.
 
B

Bwb003

New member
Joined
Apr 16, 2017
Messages
4
hi I just wanted to reach and and say I think you have a huge degree of self understanding which is very rare.

It sounds to my INEXPERT ears like some sort of a mood disorder, possibly even Bipolar, and if it is you can get treatment which will make life much much calmer.

Mood disorders often come from childhood issues, which is why therapy is usually needed in tandem with medication.

I'm undergoing PTSD therapy right now due to childhood trauma, its Hard Work but it does help.

If you had a great childhood w normal parents you could still have inherited bipolar.

Please go and seek professional help, none of you have to live like this!

I think you are very brave for being so honest.
Hi,

This is very helpful, and attests what I/my wife have started to believe. I have been very introspective for some time, which has pros and cons. It's good to be able to "explain" the parts of this that are explainable, however; since I am so goal-oriented and analytical, it makes me want to dig in deeper, write more, observe more, catalogue more, and ultimately "figure out" the problem myself and fix it. I have always fixed problems, been a big thinker, innovative, and creative--which makes me want to approach my mental instability/mood disorder/whatever it is the same way. I also know that I have lots of childhood trauma that undlerlies all of this, and I even crave the accomplishment of uncovering, rediscovering, and linking that to my current trouble in hopes of tying all of this into a nice narrative so I can "understand" it and master it. I know how absurd that sounds--but this is everything that is me--the reasons why I pursued and accomplished BA and MA degrees in humanities with high honors and awards, the reason I seek to understand everything about everything to an insatiable degree. I had to understand my parents better than they understood themselves in order to ensure the safety of myself, my mother, and their world. I was the only adult (in actions) in the house long before I was 18. I sacrificed my childhood on the alter of their instability. I know all of this ties in, and I want to unpack it all and reorganize it. But I'm so damn busy and stubborn, I really feel like I can figure it all out...
 
dougsan

dougsan

Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2015
Messages
12
Location
Eastern Massachusetts
Hi and welcome. First and foremost, you aren't alone. What you have described happening to you is happening to many of us in this forum. Your self-analysis is also quite normal for those of us with manic and bipolar depression. I am 77 years old and have been trying to find a way to live with my manic and bipolar depression since I was a pre-teen. The only success I have had is with my current psychiatrist who has agreed to treat the depression with agreed upon medications and to NOT attempt to dig into my mind to find the reasons why. There are as many treatments for our difficulties as there are patients, I suspect. I wish you well in you beginning journey and never lose sight of our being here for you and your family.
 
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