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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Overwhelmed with depression and grief!

JackieBlue

JackieBlue

Member
Joined
May 18, 2020
Messages
12
Location
New York
I’m a lonely middle aged female who’s recently lost a soulmate through suicide. He was my college. I feel very lost without him. I’ve been suffering from loneliness for a long time. I feel like a total failure in life I feel very empty and overwhelmed. I never experience a marriage or have any children. I don’t feel normal. I been mistreated most of my life, especially by my family. I’ve been abused, bullied backstabbed, ridiculed and rejected. I’m sick of people talking about their normal everyday life while drowning in my misery! And now I’m overwhelmed with grief. I feel like I don’t want to be in this world anymore because I feel like people don’t care! I always have suicidal thoughts and they are getting stronger. My recent therapist wasn’t much help, I feel she’s a crock of I don’t want to say it on the forum. I’M A NOBODY A ROBOT! A THING! I’ll keep praying that I’ll die in my sleep.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
6,171
Location
England
Hello JackieBlue,

You are going through such a difficult time, grief is so hard, especially the early days.

It is early here so i am still half asleep but will come back later whilst you are asleep probably :)
 
PetitPois

PetitPois

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 8, 2020
Messages
1,254
Location
Somewhere
Hi @JackieBlue ,

The grief must be overwhelming, I am so sorry you are on your own going through this.

I am middle aged and have never been married or had children. I just want to mention this so you know, you are not on your own with these things. I used to feel like a failure over this too. However I look now and see it was how it was meant to be for me.

Being middle aged means you still have plenty of life ahead of you. You are grieving right now though, and I am sure you are struggling to see any future for yourself without your soulmate.

Do you think you will be able to get a different therapist? With no other support, it is really important that you find someone you feel able to talk to. Someone who makes you feel understood, and can help you through this.

Sending hugs :hug:
 
JackieBlue

JackieBlue

Member
Joined
May 18, 2020
Messages
12
Location
New York
Other international helplines can be f1-800-273-8255. I called this number several times and it sucks! I not going to waste my time calling these numbers! The're either busy or not available! I had such a nervous breakdown that I ended up in the hospital! They weren't much help over there either and I got plus I got stuck with a enormous medical bill plus an extra for the ambulance truck! It comes to show you how little the world cares! So please don't provide me with these BS suggestions! It's just a waste of time!!!
 
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JackieBlue

JackieBlue

Member
Joined
May 18, 2020
Messages
12
Location
New York
1-800-273-8255. I called this number several times and it sucks! I not going to waste my time calling these numbers! The're either busy or not available! I had such a nervous breakdown that I ended up in the hospital! They weren't much help over there either and I got plus I got stuck with a enormous medical bill plus an extra for the ambulance truck! It comes to show you how little the world cares! So please don't provide me with these BS suggestions! It's just a waste of time!!!
1-800-273-8255.
I called this number several times and that number totaly sucks! The're either busy or not available! I'm not wasting my time with BS helplines!! I had such a nervous breakdown that I ended up in the hospital! The people over there weren't very much help either and wound up getting stuck with an enormous medical bill plus an extra huge bill for the ambulance truck! It comes to show you how very little these people care! So please don't provide me with such BllSht! It's just a waste of time!!!
 
E

EclipticNight

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
412
Location
Orleans vermont.
Howdy Jackieblue.

They say misery loves company and since i do care about how you feel ill tell you my story that most people here know.

As a child from first to 11th grade i was bullied relentlessly. It was torture and gave me a deep hatred for the world. In the winter of 11th grade my mind snapped and i became two. I was there but a hateful, violent, sadistic beast was born in me. All of senior year it took control over me over and over, i black out when it does. I hurt people. Broke bones, slammed a head with a locker door four times, tried to throw someone from a second story window to name a few. I became feared and i loved it. I ended up being worse than they were.

After high school i ended up tossed in a world with a beast demanding blood and no one to take it from. I went to college where i was ignored entirely, that fear i think was still there and people could somehow feel it. My depression crashed, i lost relationships and saw my world crumble. For a decaide i bairly got out of bed, living with my parents praying for death. Praying took to long so i tried to hasten it but i failed. When i did my beast took over, it has no desire to die.

In my late 20s i got counseling and medications. It helped but my world was never the same. The beast you see is still here. Every day, every minute it waits to snatch control from me. Ive spent 8 years learning how to keep it caged. Even so, during winter my seasonal depression hits hard. The lower i go the stronger it gets.

So how do i manage? I spent 8 years under covid conditions. I dont go outside, i dont shop unless im totally out of food, i have massive ptsd and feel like ill be attacked when around another human. My life is in one room, with a pc, phone and bed. I dont own anything fancy, never go on vacations, never walk in the woods or go to a lake. Day in and out its this room. For the icing on that cake i have a sleep disorder so i hardly see the sun. I live in perpetual darkness and alone. After previous relationships that ended in me being cheated on and abandon randomly, ghosted basically, i swore never again would i allow myself to love. The sad truth is all i ever wanted was a partner so im volunteering to make my one wish not come true to avoid heart ache such as what you are experiencing now. I sabotaged my health by eating junkfood for about 15 years now hoping for a heart attack. I hate to say it because i try to stay positive here but im just waiting to die. Cancer was to painful to endure, i tried that already. I never used the call numbers, it defeated the idea. The beast is just instinct and it fights to live. We fight daily it and i over all sorts of crap. I struggle not being a horrible person, hate myself for enjoying the pain of those who wronged me.

Most every night i come to this forum looking for someone like myself who is lost or has a beast. Ive made it a mission to not let anyone else become me.

I dont know if my story is of any help. Its depressing and fairly hopeless. Im hoping that you will see that someone out there is not a normal person with normal problems and it will somehow give you strength to fight your own demons. You dont need to feel bad for me, ive accepted life as it is. If my story did stir anything then use it to fortify yourself. Im no stranger to death, suicide and grief. Do what it takes to bring back a smile to your face.
 
JackieBlue

JackieBlue

Member
Joined
May 18, 2020
Messages
12
Location
New York
If I don't find a light at the end of the tunnel soon, I'm afraid I may consider creating an avalanche against myself! :cry2:
 
T

TheHeartHasAVoice

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 14, 2020
Messages
439
Location
Australia
If I don't find a light at the end of the tunnel soon, I'm afraid I may consider creating an avalanche against myself! :cry2:
Sorry to hear of your agony. Many of us have or are going through excruciating pain or painful emotional experiences. But they can end. You are not alone. It's even be seen in the animal kingdom. But you know what, pain has a purpose and that purpose is to drive you to new beginnings. It's purpose is to be a signal that drives you out of pain. Every pain has meaning whether it is guilt, depression, anxiety or any other unpleasant emotion. They all have a message and story to tell. Take a headache for example. Pain is communicated and we may take a headache pill so it stops.

Share your grief with people you are comfortable with and surround yourself with love. Love heals everything. Most of all give yourself time. The heart always needs time when injured.
 
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