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Overwhelmed and Exhausted by In-Laws

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PlantLady3467

New member
Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
1
Location
New York
So I just got married to an amazing guy and he is honestly also the only person besides my sister who has been able to help understand my anxiety. But even now he is struggling to help, because my anxiety it surrounding his mother.

His parents came over from Sri Lanka for our wedding and left to stay with his brother after while we were on our honeymoon. While we were gone though, his parents got into an argument with his brother (due to his brother hating their Dad and ignoring his existence while they were there). So, two days after we got home from the honeymoon both of his parents were staying in our small one bedroom apartment because they couldn't afford the stay in a hotel for 15+ days and I refused to spend all our savings putting them up in a hotel. Plus, I thought that would seem really rude.

So they now have been here about a week and leave on the second. But I am SOOOO overwhelmed, my husband doesn't know how to help. I only met his father the day before the wedding, and his mom, if we added up all the time I've actually spent with her, I've probably only known her about 3 months. I have no idea how to communicate with them about things I don't like that they do in my house. They are truly very loving and caring people who have taken me in 100% as there daughter, but it takes me longer to trust then that.

I'll come home from work and areas that were messy (do to me planning and storing stuff from wedding and just finishing college right before; it's been a busy time) have all been cleaned, cleared, and re-arranged. My clothes (including underwear) have been folded, hung and re-organized in way where I don't know where things are or doesn't fix the way my brain works. My mother in law as re organized my rooms, used my lotions and makeup, changed how things in our kitchen are organized. I feel judged for how messy my home was.

I'm aware that this sounds OCD and I 100% recognize that, but what I am struggling with the most is the anxiety of it all. I feel like I can't be home because I'm suffocating. I spend most my time hiding in our room, crying, or feeling so fake. My husband has no idea how to help and just keeps repeating that I need to talk to her (my mother in law), or spend some time elsewhere, or that we could send her away/re-messy the apartment.

That all just makes me feel worse because what am I supposed to tell this lady who honestly feels like she is just helping her kids? How am I supposed to say I would rather you left my house a shit show then have touched all my things? That I am counting the days until you leave because I feel like I can't breathe?

As for getting out of the house, I've hardly been home. I've been kayaking, or at my parents. Yesterday, I left at 7am and drove two hours just because I found out my sister had the whole day off and wanted me to come over. I didn't get home until 12am. I had a great day, I was in a great mood. UNTIL, I walked in and everything was crushing me again. Everything in my apartment bothers me now.

AND, because I've hardly been home, I've hardly seen my husband and when I do see him it's the same hushed conversations in our room about my anxiety ending in me crying due to the sheer inability to express/explain myself to him in a way he understands well.

I need help. Because I don't want this anxiety and I don't want this rift I feel forming little by little between him and I. I honestly just don't know what to do.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,890
Location
England
Hi,
Welcome to the forum,
Congratulations on your wedding, I'm sorry your feeling overwhelmed. It must be hard getting to know them.
We're here for support.
Take care
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
Congratulations on your wedding.

Am I missing something here but why should you be paying for your in laws accommodation? If they haven’t the money then really…..

It just doesn’t sound good what with paying for them and then them staying with you for 2 weeks and you newly wed and all that. Gosh not the kind of thing I would expect from in laws.

Sounds to me that you need to set some boundaries in the paying for the in laws and/or putting them up in your place.

Your in laws sound bang out of order and your husband should be telling them straight . this is outrageous . they expect you to pay for them and they disrespect your space by re arranging it and using stuff without your permission, unbelievable

Your husband needs to sort this sorry but this behaviour from your in laws is not right . if I was you I would be tempted to stay with your parents until the in laws have gone! Your husband shouldn’t put you through this.

Your husband needs to set boundaries with his parents as this sounds invasive and not the action of a loving newly wedd husband sorry but just had to say that.

Basically your husband needs to man up and tell his parents that its not on for them to stay as long as they do and really they need to stay at a hotel and if they cant afford to then phone more etc but this is not right
 
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gam9147

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 18, 2019
Messages
369
Location
Delaware, USA
Hi Plantlady,

welcome.

I think blacksmoke is right, although maybe I'd word it a bit more delicately ;) Our home is a very personal space and it sounds like your in-laws are very well intentioned, but obviously violating your very normal assumptions about boundaries.

Since they aren't your parents, it does fall to your husband to talk with them. There are many things my mom has done, wants to do etc over the past many years that my wife can't stand. I don't mind them because she's my mom, but seeing through her eyes I realize they bother her and so I have to shut them down since she's my mom it falls to me to talk with her about that stuff.

Have a talk with your husband about the biggest items that bother you and encourage him to chat with them out of love since I'm sure they are only trying to help and be helpful in the way they know how, they probably don't realize its a concern to you.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
think blacksmoke is right, although maybe I'd word it a bit more delicately ;) Our home is a very personal space and it sounds like your in-laws are very well intentioned, but obviously violating your very normal assumptions about boundaries.
gosh yeah not good with/at diplomacy- point taken. really need to soften my approach eeeek old habits and all that.
 
G

gam9147

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 18, 2019
Messages
369
Location
Delaware, USA
gosh yeah not good with/at diplomacy- point taken. really need to soften my approach eeeek old habits and all that.
aw no problem, sorry I didn't mean to call you out, your points are right on :)
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
9,385
Location
basketville
aw no problem, sorry I didn't mean to call you out, your points are right on :)
nah thats ok as i felt that you had a valid point. just need to address it somehow, which i think is part of the anxiety tone i guess the all guns...:)
 
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