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Overweight and hate myself (TW: Eating Disorder Specifics)

E

Erex23

New member
Joined
Mar 11, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Michigan
Growing up I hated myself for being overweight. No confidence. Wanted to be center of attention that everyone liked. And in my mind only way I could achieve this is to lose weight and become thin. End of my senior year in high school I came across diet pills. I started using them I lost a lot of weight became thin loved myself had much friends. Life was good I had no intentions on stopping the pills. I became anorexic barely eating anything but I didn’t feel as if I had a problem life was good nothing could go wrong. My diet pills was banned and taken off the market I was devastated no longer able to use diet pills I gained much weight became overweight hated myself again no confidence felt disgusting. Along with the weight came the depression and isolation didn’t know how to deal with this at the time everything was changing and I was left alone in the dark. As the years went I delt with it but knew that I needed to find a solution. Once again I stumbled across diet pills on the black market. I was relieved immediately started using it. Lost weight became anorexic again. Things were great again no depression social life became great life was good again for about 1 year at least. I became psychotic but I didn’t feel like I was I felt as if someone or something g was doing this to me on purpose because they didn’t want me to enjoy life being thin. I started blaming
People for my psychosis but doctors insisted it was due to my ephedrine use. I knew myself and I did t want to believe it. People were saying I was paranoid and psychotic but deep down I knew I wasn’t again I felt as if someone or something was doing this to me wanting to become psychotic and paranoid. As crazy as that sounds that’s how I felt. I knew I couldn’t escape it so I decided to get help. I stopped the diet pills but refused to take medication. I gained weight back. For the next few years I was back and forth with diet pills but never could I achieve my anorexic form. I decided to go to an eating disorder center however I didn’t find it helpful I snuck in diet pills they were found and confiscated I was kicked out and sent to substance abuse center across the street. I refuse to eat while I was there this place was less strict then the eating disorder center. I was taking meds but was not eating I was beginning to lose weight which I loved. One day I was upset with the staff member and decided to check out. I came home continued not eating. Was losing weight became thin again loved myself. I stopped taking my meds. All of the sudden one day I started hearing voices. I didn’t know what to make I was blaming my sister because it was her voice in my head but I didn’t confront her about. I started doing what the voices were telling me to do. It became ridiculous. I didn’t know what to do I had lost my job but I knew I didnt want to gain weight and become fat again because I hated myself and hated life when i am overweight. I decided to go on serequol it made me gain a significant amount of weight and I hated it once again isolation began depression constant use of meds constant weight life was horrible on top of that I was hearing voices. This has gone on for years but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to lose weight. Seems like the meds really fucked me up physically. But I’m not stopping the fight. I really don’t care about the side effects I just know that I don’t want to be fat and disgusting. I don’t care how bad it gets.I’m stopping all of meds. I am desperate at this point as nothing seems to be working. I have to stop eating. And will do whatever it takes. This stupid voice in my head keeps telling me no but I’m not stopping even if I die. I don’t really care at this point.
 
sam999

sam999

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 11, 2020
Messages
125
Location
Canada
hey im sorry youre going through this but you shouldnt stop Eating completely or restrict really high. try to find a healthy diet and dont hurt you Body<3 i know recovery can be hard but you can do it! i believe in you.:hug:
 
L

Live Happy

New member
Joined
Mar 11, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Queens NY
Growing up I hated myself for being overweight. No confidence. Wanted to be center of attention that everyone liked. And in my mind only way I could achieve this is to lose weight and become thin. End of my senior year in high school I came across diet pills. I started using them I lost a lot of weight became thin loved myself had much friends. Life was good I had no intentions on stopping the pills. I became anorexic barely eating anything but I didn’t feel as if I had a problem life was good nothing could go wrong. My diet pills was banned and taken off the market I was devastated no longer able to use diet pills I gained much weight became overweight hated myself again no confidence felt disgusting. Along with the weight came the depression and isolation didn’t know how to deal with this at the time everything was changing and I was left alone in the dark. As the years went I delt with it but knew that I needed to find a solution. Once again I stumbled across diet pills on the black market. I was relieved immediately started using it. Lost weight became anorexic again. Things were great again no depression social life became great life was good again for about 1 year at least. I became psychotic but I didn’t feel like I was I felt as if someone or something g was doing this to me on purpose because they didn’t want me to enjoy life being thin. I started blaming
People for my psychosis but doctors insisted it was due to my ephedrine use. I knew myself and I did t want to believe it. People were saying I was paranoid and psychotic but deep down I knew I wasn’t again I felt as if someone or something was doing this to me wanting to become psychotic and paranoid. As crazy as that sounds that’s how I felt. I knew I couldn’t escape it so I decided to get help. I stopped the diet pills but refused to take medication. I gained weight back. For the next few years I was back and forth with diet pills but never could I achieve my anorexic form. I decided to go to an eating disorder center however I didn’t find it helpful I snuck in diet pills they were found and confiscated I was kicked out and sent to substance abuse center across the street. I refuse to eat while I was there this place was less strict then the eating disorder center. I was taking meds but was not eating I was beginning to lose weight which I loved. One day I was upset with the staff member and decided to check out. I came home continued not eating. Was losing weight became thin again loved myself. I stopped taking my meds. All of the sudden one day I started hearing voices. I didn’t know what to make I was blaming my sister because it was her voice in my head but I didn’t confront her about. I started doing what the voices were telling me to do. It became ridiculous. I didn’t know what to do I had lost my job but I knew I didnt want to gain weight and become fat again because I hated myself and hated life when i am overweight. I decided to go on serequol it made me gain a significant amount of weight and I hated it once again isolation began depression constant use of meds constant weight life was horrible on top of that I was hearing voices. This has gone on for years but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to lose weight. Seems like the meds really fucked me up physically. But I’m not stopping the fight. I really don’t care about the side effects I just know that I don’t want to be fat and disgusting. I don’t care how bad it gets.I’m stopping all of meds. I am desperate at this point as nothing seems to be working. I have to stop eating. And will do whatever it takes. This stupid voice in my head keeps telling me no but I’m not stopping even if I die. I don’t really care at this point.
hey im sorry youre going through this but you shouldnt stop Eating completely or restrict really high. try to find a healthy diet and dont hurt you Body<3 i know recovery can be hard but you can do it! i believe in you.:hug:
 
L

Live Happy

New member
Joined
Mar 11, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Queens NY
Sorry to hear about that. It can get really tough. Have you tried working out and drinking lots of water. Try to find a healthy diet to go by and a good workout regimen but do not stop eating. That is the most unhealthy thing you can do. Have you tried Keto diet? I haven’t tried it but I’ve heard it’s very good. Meditation can also help. Hope everything works out for you.
 
L

Live Happy

New member
Joined
Mar 11, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Queens NY
Sorry I’m new to the forum and didn’t realize I posted everyone’s comments when I tried to reply
 
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