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overview/update on my life right now :(

B

bigjim

Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2014
Messages
5
I will copy my post from another forum where I have had no luck :(

I will make this as short as possible as I know myself when I see someone's long post I do not bother to read it

I am writing this as a sort of rant/journal/and also for some advice if anyone can relate,

A brief background of my life/childhood:

- I always stressed (even to this day I get stressed about everything)
- My parents had an aggressive argumentative relationship that I think affected me a lot,
- Suffered from loneliness all my life which gets me down
- Always found it hard to make and keep friendships
- I use to hurt myself when I was young.I realise now I was depressed as a child
- Anxiety has been a massive issue in my life especially social anxiety
- I remember that my perception of things was distorted I.E I use to see patterns in curtains to turn into faces and animals, especially snakes that moved slightly and the tongue stuck in + out
- I would be so scared of the night time about monsters getting me etc, I saw shadows appearing around corners and hallway that would pop in and out,
- I did see a ghost in my room one night when I woke up ( real or a hallucination I am not sure) I also saw ghosts and figures in my grandmothers house at night and one walked through her!! I also saw smaller monsters I saw a deformed spider in the kitchen one night, it kind of had an extra upside down spider on top of it and it ran across the room.. (again all real or Hallucinations I am not sure, I say this as the house was reported to be haunted)
- I have always been into the supernatural and the unexplained..
- I was bullied severely at school, beaten up on a daily basis and verbally
- On a few occasions I have thought I have heard music that is not explainable like classical music playing in the middle of the night..

After I left school I started drinking I am an alcoholic.. ( I am off the drink now though )

Only recently my father passed away with cancer but died a not very nice way in hospital and I am not sure if that has affected my mental health lately.. I am off work due to anxiety issues, my mental health has declined in my opinion lately and I had a rough day the other day and I called a crisis team as I wanted to end my life,.. they wanted to section me but instead we agreed that I will see a psychiatrist everyday for 2 weeks which is what is happening now,

My main issues with life is that I have always found it hard to keep friendships, every person I have ever been friends with we end up falling out in arguments, or I mistrust them that much I let them go out my life, I have trust issues.. I would agree I am a little bit suspicious of people, maybe a slight chance of paranoia.. I do not deal with stress very well it affects my life a great deal,
I also have a major intolerance to people.. People in general just get on my nerves, the way people act and behave to the way they live their life annoys me..
I take things to heart/personally and I mean if I disagree with a way something is done at work for example it would get to me that much I would have to quit.. I can not hold down relationships or jobs..
I have huge anxiety.. still social anxiety is the worst,
I have very disturbing thoughts 24/7 almost.. and when I am very stressed I have these (What I call visions) where I would zone out and daydream almost for a few seconds but them few seconds seem like x20 the length of time, where I would do violent things to people who have upset me etc.. anyone relate to this??.. is it a type of psychosis?
I find life itself difficult.. and try to avoid most things, I just do not like life and people..
I sometimes still see patterns as faces and I hear quiet whispering at night but these whispering does not form clear words.. is this a hallucination from peoples experiences?
I have very very odd and weird beliefs for example I think that the government can watch us through the t.v and that aliens can watch us through birds in the sky..

I also believe that the devil is the real god of this planet and that aliens run the earth but shapeshift.. there are 13 families that rule this world and are in human body but are actually reptilians that shape shift and influence the world.. and want us to develop the world to a good state so they can have the world for themselves, the Idea is that cancer is government made and that the government are spraying our air with stuff and our crops and contaminating our water.. they want to kill us off to have the world for themselves.. if their plan fails they cause world wars to end our humanity, but they are immune to everything..

Although I am a smart individual I recognise that my beliefs are odd, and are very very unlikely to be actually real happenings, but for some strange reason they are still my beliefs.. I also am extremely political..
I also believe I have much of a more common sense to the rest of the world, some things seem so simple to me that no one else can see.. My moralality is high, my standards in life are high when it comes to what I expect from people..
I am still very lonely with no friends.. Altho I am sure I am not schizoid as I desire friendships , I just can not sustain them.. I also do not take rejection very well,..
My psychiatrist does not think I am Schizophrenic and I do not think I have bipolar as I do not have any mania
the closest thing I assume I have is either a schizotypal ( but I do not dress or come across odd, just my beliefs) or borderline but that seems a bit extreme for me..

I am being diagnosed now although might take a while.. I was just wondering if anyone can relate to anything or "think" I might have a certain disorder? its basically just more info I can give my psychiatrist the better as My anxiety is so high sometimes It is hard for me to express myself..

Thank you for listening, If I remember anyother symptoms of mental health I will post..

My psychiatrist mentioned if I had ever been assessed for autism as a child..?? I do not think that is related to me.. but I am not the expert,
 
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Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
I'm sorry to hear that things got so bad recently that you had to call the crisis team but I'm glad that you are getting help from your psychiatrist.

It sounds like you've had to cope with many things over the years but I think the main things that stand out to me are: the loss of your father (so sorry to hear about this), the bullying you suffered at school and your extremely high stress and anxiety levels.

The recent death of your father is bound to have an effect on your mental health. It's a traumatic experience and you will be dealing with grief as well as all of the other issues you are trying to cope with.

I would imagine that such severe bullying in your past has had an effect on your view of people (mind you, I go through odd stages where people in general confound me and I don't like them much!)

General stress and anxiety can negatively impact every part of your life. I can't speak from my own personal experience here but my youngest sister goes through hell at times with her anxiety. Has your psychiatrist recommended any therapy or counselling for this?

I can relate to the odd fixed beliefs, whispering sounds and random classical music playing (I also still get the phone ringing, though nobody else hears it of course, it's bloody annoying!). The latter two are, in my opinion, the remaining auditory hallucinations that my medication won't eradicate (it's blocked out the other ones though).

These are, of course, only my views and opinions and I've kind of skimmed over things somewhat to keep this post a little shorter. I really can't help regarding disorders or diagnosis but I just wanted you to know that there's support here and someone's listening. I hope that, with the right help, you start to feel better soon.
 
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