Overthinking Creating Self-Loathing

PurpleDaffodils

PurpleDaffodils

Active member
Joined
May 11, 2018
Messages
32
Location
Southern US
#1
I'm in a weird situation... Been seeing this guy though we both agreed we didn't want to put the relationship label on it due to our past relationships. I know he's a good guy. He's a genuinely sweet and helpful person and he has a flirty personality, and generally has a lot of female friends that he helps out (He has psych training, he's a helpful person, and he winds up befriending people with depression and anxiety because he himself can relate.)

He drunkenly admitted to a friend he liked me quite a bit and he would often times ask me why I liked him while drunk. I stayed with him and his parents not long ago for a vacation and he was rather affectionate towards me.

We spend almost everyday of our off days together and have joked about living together.

Last night he told me he had a friend over who was female who had some boyfriend issues and they watched movies and she vented to him about them.

I was fine with it I'm not generally a jealous person, and we're not official. So I shook it off easily and went about my business with just the smallest bit of anxiety in the back of my mind but did my best to brush it off. My friend who lives right down the street told me that this car was still in his driveway this morning.

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years and have almost no self-worth. I'm terrified of being hurt again... I don't feel right saying anything cause if it is nothing (Highly likely) I'll look like I'm just being jealous or nosey when its not my place. He never volunteered the info that she stayed over. So its info I shouldn't know.

I feel awful, worthless, my last two "relationships" I was used for sex and most days I feel like that is all I'm worth. I'm a good time and nothing else. I hate this feeling where I feel sad and jealous and inadequate but also feel like I have no reason to be because we aren't actually together.

I can't sleep by myself due to PTSD, so most nights to sleep I have to either be sleep deprived (for over 24 hrs) or knocked out via medication. So I usually sleep over with him and I'm able to sleep. He's treated me better than any other man in my life ever has and I don't wanna mess this up if its just my paranoia but I feel so worthless thinking I'm falling into that same hole again. I feel so stupid.

I want to hurt myself but he made me promise not to. I don't want to screw up the first good thing to happen to me in years but I don't want to be a victim again, I don't want to be used just because I'm a good time anymore, I don't think I could take it... I don't know how to broach it or if I even should... It makes me feel so lonely.

Hes a good guy, I don't think he would. But I also believed my abusive ex was a good man so I don't even trust my judgement anymore... I don't know what to do...
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
2,562
#2
Hi, I'm sorry that sounds like a really tough situation, and I'm not sure I have any advice. Only to say that we/I am here if you need to chat x
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
423
Location
California, US
#3
Hi, this does sound like a complicated situation and hopefully we can help you sort out how you feel and what you want.
Been seeing this guy though we both agreed we didn't want to put the relationship label on it due to our past relationships.
"Seeing" has several connotations, is the relationship with him social or physical or both? When you say "we both agreed", does that mean you and he acknowledged that there's some feelings shared? When you agreed, do you recall saying that you didn't want a relationship with him or did he say that?

When a relationship is undefined it can feel safe and give you all space you need and you two have the best of both worlds so things are great... right up until somebody else suddenly enters the picture.
Feeling fear that you may lose your special someone if you do AND if you don't act, I get that, I'd feel that fear too.

So, it appears things may have changed. Jokes, non-committal statements, vague signals of commitment - these and more are the signs that we believe we can take back with the simple words, "oh, well, you must've misled yourself I thought we were just ____" . That's a problem of undefined relationships, communication doesn't happen instantly because we're not always immediately aware when something inside us changes.

If you're afraid of losing him to someone else and this has revealed you have romantic feelings for him maybe it's time to revisit the agreement.
If you're caught between fear of being abandoned and fear of being used, put your feelings first, think of your needs first you don't owe anyone anything. Decide what feels right for you while being mindful that whatever happens, you can manage without him. You can trust in that.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,083
Location
England
#4
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship, here to listen anytime.
Take care
 
PurpleDaffodils

PurpleDaffodils

Active member
Joined
May 11, 2018
Messages
32
Location
Southern US
#5
Seeing" has several connotations, is the relationship with him social or physical or both?
Both, it started out as kind of rebound sex, guy I was seeing before (Not abusive ex, but right after) kept leading me on and using me for sex and then finally broke it off when I called him on it, current guy was there and comforted me and made a "Yeah! Now I've got a shot!" Joke to cheer me up and then we kind of flirted and wound up being a friends with benefits type of thing.

When you say "we both agreed", does that mean you and he acknowledged that there's some feelings shared?
We were friends but not super close friends, we had just started to become friends at the time but had jokingly been flirting and hung out before that. We were attracted to each other but we didn't act on it because I was sort of seeing someone else and he's very attractive and I have almost no self-esteem so I honestly thought he was just being nice because he has a flirty personality. He is confident about a lot of things but has his own self-esteem issues as well.

When you agreed, do you recall saying that you didn't want a relationship with him or did he say that?
We both said it, I just wanted something up front cause last guy jerked me around and I felt lied to and betrayed. We both talked it out and said that we weren't fully ready for a relationship as I jumped into one (or what I thought was one) too soon without dealing with what my ex (abusive one) had done to me and he was still dealing with emotions and guilt from his ex. We started this whatever it is to distract each other mostly.

I'm scared to bring it back up because he is insistent about saying "You don't want to date me" and told me once while drunk "don't fall for me" he deals with a lot of guilt and self-loathing as well we try to build each other up. I'm not so scared of losing him to someone else as I am being this naive little girl who can't seem to understand I'm not relationship material. I'm terrified to admit to anyone, including myself I have these feelings because I don't believe I'm worthy of it. I just feel like I'm this pathetic little girl who falls for it everytime because she can't get over this fantasy that someone will want her for anything else. I'm just exhausted thinking I have this "I'm easy" sign glued to my forehead, but honestly I don't think much higher of myself than that.
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
U Depression Forum 1

Similar threads