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overdose fantasy

Grape

Grape

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Overdose fantasy. Upsetting. Had these thoughts the past hour for the first time in ages.

Meds due to increase tonight. Will get off this anti psychotic soon

Not sure of why I feel this way. Why it keeps coming back.

I felt briefly joyful a week or so ago but low again. Might be mild depression. Might be life. Might be my past episode memories.

Whatever It is it's tough to stop myself. Might take a hefty dose rather than overdose. It's usually the only way I cope. Knocking myself out for a day.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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sorry you are having these dark thoughts xx hopefully they will pass really soon and you will feel joyful again x sending you lots of hugs and cuddles love from fairy lu xx
 
Grape

Grape

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Opened a bottle of wine. Maybe I need to wallow in my sadness
 
Grape

Grape

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I think I want sympathy from my gp. He's slightly older. A sort of husband slash father figure. I have these problems with men. I didn't have a good dad you see. It's left me with some issues in that area. I think I want to take an overdose so I can see him and him be worried about me. How sick is that. Absent and rejecting fathers beware of the damage you do.

Going to have to change surgery. I don't live in the area anymore anyway. Better to run.
 
Grape

Grape

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I think you're right catkin. It's a way of escaping pain and sadness when I'm overwhelmed with it all and everything.

Not sure what to do about that. I will always be sad. Always have sadness in my memories. So will I always have overdose thoughts. They are so enticing. Do I need a counsellor I wonder. Talk out the sadness. I cancelled her. Going to call samaritans.
 
Grape

Grape

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I think I'm just a sad little rejected child who is screaming for love.
 
T

Thoth

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I don't know what to say other then I can relate, I don't have a father figure. My mother was a single mother. And then there's stuff I rather not go into detail. The point I'm making is I can empathise. Dealing with such an issue is hard, and not easy to get through. It's monolithic because of how deep the trauma is.

As for overdosing, I've been there in dream state and reality. The dream state is very romantic from the actual act, and the side effects are really nasty. So chin up hun and march on :hug::hug::hug::hug:
 
Grape

Grape

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How do you get over those issues?

Do I need to get a life. Literally.
 
T

Thoth

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How do you get over those issues?

Do I need to get a life. Literally.
No, its just very hard because a father plays such a vital role when you're a child. Mine was never around, and when he was he teased and tormented me. He's upset me so much that I still want to change my surname. I think the first step is acceptance that you had a lousy father, then its recognizing that acceptance as legitimate.
 
Grape

Grape

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Mine was like that too. Antagonistic.

Sorry you went through that too.

I've often thought about changing my surname also.
 
T

Thoth

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Mine was like that too. Antagonistic.

Sorry you went through that too.

I've often thought about changing my surname also.
Yeah I feel like Malcolm X, because the surname is not really mine. It evokes negative emotions, and then you see it everywhere on your passport, driving licence, etc. I feel like my surname hints that I'm owned by him, and in order to break the shackles off, is to change it. But that's me.
 
Grape

Grape

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Slightly drunk now. Took my prn x 2 to knock me out. Feeling sleepy. They make me fat but tough I need to be knocked out.

Going to take my ac soon. Hope it improves my mood. Stabilises my mood. Then I can get off the ap.

Overdose thoughts. Looking at the blister pack here. Cant. Stupid. Worried about everything.
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

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In my experience the fantasy is much nicer than the reality(unless I succeed of course). Thats the thought I use quite often to try stop myself. Life immediately after OD was even worse. Hope you can keep safe:hug:
 
Grape

Grape

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Thats very true noone. Repercussions are just awful.
 
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