overdose fantasy

Grape

Grape

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#1
Overdose fantasy. Upsetting. Had these thoughts the past hour for the first time in ages.

Meds due to increase tonight. Will get off this anti psychotic soon

Not sure of why I feel this way. Why it keeps coming back.

I felt briefly joyful a week or so ago but low again. Might be mild depression. Might be life. Might be my past episode memories.

Whatever It is it's tough to stop myself. Might take a hefty dose rather than overdose. It's usually the only way I cope. Knocking myself out for a day.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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#2
sorry you are having these dark thoughts xx hopefully they will pass really soon and you will feel joyful again x sending you lots of hugs and cuddles love from fairy lu xx
 
Grape

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#4
I think I want sympathy from my gp. He's slightly older. A sort of husband slash father figure. I have these problems with men. I didn't have a good dad you see. It's left me with some issues in that area. I think I want to take an overdose so I can see him and him be worried about me. How sick is that. Absent and rejecting fathers beware of the damage you do.

Going to have to change surgery. I don't live in the area anymore anyway. Better to run.
 
Grape

Grape

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#6
I think you're right catkin. It's a way of escaping pain and sadness when I'm overwhelmed with it all and everything.

Not sure what to do about that. I will always be sad. Always have sadness in my memories. So will I always have overdose thoughts. They are so enticing. Do I need a counsellor I wonder. Talk out the sadness. I cancelled her. Going to call samaritans.
 
T

Thoth

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#8
I don't know what to say other then I can relate, I don't have a father figure. My mother was a single mother. And then there's stuff I rather not go into detail. The point I'm making is I can empathise. Dealing with such an issue is hard, and not easy to get through. It's monolithic because of how deep the trauma is.

As for overdosing, I've been there in dream state and reality. The dream state is very romantic from the actual act, and the side effects are really nasty. So chin up hun and march on :hug::hug::hug::hug:
 
Grape

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#9
How do you get over those issues?

Do I need to get a life. Literally.
 
T

Thoth

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#10
How do you get over those issues?

Do I need to get a life. Literally.
No, its just very hard because a father plays such a vital role when you're a child. Mine was never around, and when he was he teased and tormented me. He's upset me so much that I still want to change my surname. I think the first step is acceptance that you had a lousy father, then its recognizing that acceptance as legitimate.
 
Grape

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#11
Mine was like that too. Antagonistic.

Sorry you went through that too.

I've often thought about changing my surname also.
 
T

Thoth

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#12
Mine was like that too. Antagonistic.

Sorry you went through that too.

I've often thought about changing my surname also.
Yeah I feel like Malcolm X, because the surname is not really mine. It evokes negative emotions, and then you see it everywhere on your passport, driving licence, etc. I feel like my surname hints that I'm owned by him, and in order to break the shackles off, is to change it. But that's me.
 
Grape

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#13
Slightly drunk now. Took my prn x 2 to knock me out. Feeling sleepy. They make me fat but tough I need to be knocked out.

Going to take my ac soon. Hope it improves my mood. Stabilises my mood. Then I can get off the ap.

Overdose thoughts. Looking at the blister pack here. Cant. Stupid. Worried about everything.
 
ScaredCat

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#14
In my experience the fantasy is much nicer than the reality(unless I succeed of course). Thats the thought I use quite often to try stop myself. Life immediately after OD was even worse. Hope you can keep safe:hug:
 
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Raache

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#16
Daddy issues suck. My father made me such a mess and I hate him for it. Yet I'm so desperate in finding someone, who'll be my partner and a father figure at the same time. Ugh.
Keep yourself away from these OD fantasies, Grape. You know you would regret it after. You're a strong woman and you can get through it. Sleep well xxx
 
N

Noetic

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#17
So sorry to hear you’ve been having this disturbing fantasy Grape. :hug:

Please look after yourself and do whatever you need to stop yourself acting on these thoughts. You’re stronger than you think and they will pass; please hang in there. :hug:
 
Grape

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#18
Thank you x

Feeling very emotional today. Feeling worried about changing GP, i really like my current one but have become too attached, must change, or should i? Maybe it is good to be reliant on and trust your GP? I don't know. I think it depends on how i manage these feelings i have for him. It's just a great deal of like and respect, but there are some unhealthy emotions too. I've been through this before with a counsellor and i used to have disturbing feelings about him, which i worked through alone, and tried to understand myself by reading up on this.

I'm emotional for other reasons. I'm alone at my flat now after having been out for coffee this morning. I'm not sure what is happening in my life next. I'm feeling strange about everything. I'm a bit sedated from my prn. I don't know how to describe how i feel. I know i need to keep occupied though. I feel strange. I feel weak and fragile. I can't wait to get off the anti psychotic and get some feeling back but i don't even know for sure if i will get feeling back. I'm feeling slightly more creative due to the anti convulsant i think.

I think i'm getting upset about changing GP because deep down i don't want to. I've been through a lot with him. He's seen me very ill, but also seen me doing stupid things. I'm embarrassed and don't want to see him again. Yes that's it. I will move. what a shame though to have to leave people that know you and you know them. I feel i need to keep these relationships. I always run away and sever ties. Is this not me doing that once more? I feel i need familiar people around me. He is one of them. But he is a GP and we shouldn't be reliant on them. I don't know what to do. I guess i can't change just yet as i need to get at the right dose of the anti convulsant with him first. I will think more about it. I want to run but i want to stay. I think this is what is wrong with me at the moment.

A busy weekend planned. Out tomorrow and Sunday. That'll be nice.

Ive gained a bit more weight. Hopefully will lose some when i stop the anti psychotic. I think it's the prn making me gain weight.

Just thought i should have put this in my journal as is rambly.
 
T

Thoth

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#20
I'm emotional for other reasons. I'm alone at my flat now after having been out for coffee this morning. I'm not sure what is happening in my life next. I'm feeling strange about everything. I'm a bit sedated from my prn. I don't know how to describe how i feel. I know i need to keep occupied though. I feel strange. I feel weak and fragile. I can't wait to get off the anti psychotic and get some feeling back but i don't even know for sure if i will get feeling back. I'm feeling slightly more creative due to the anti convulsant i think.
I've done this before and regretted it. I was on Lodopin and Zyprexa. I feel like an empty shell, lifeless, and I felt really blunted. The emotionless state was making me feel worse because I struggled to experience half the amount of emotions I use to. I decided to stop both without my psychiatrist's permission.

The emotion and instability all came back within a week. It felt good at first, but I couldn't control my emotions, and not having that ability to control yourself, and going from one wave of emotion to the next made me feel very lousy. So much so I choose a month later to go back on the anti-psychotics. I know I'm more stable and in control on them even though I feel soo miserable.