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overcoming self destroying habits

Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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I have just made a monumental f**k up at work, the sort which could get me sacked. It's going to be reported to higher up and I have to wait and see what they want to do.

However in a discussion with my line manager I realised this is a pattern of self destruction that I have repeated over the past few years. I say something which is inappropriate and end up being demoted from a temporary promotion. I've realised this is due to feeling worthless and not deserving the post even though I know I'm good at it. This is the first time I've been able to see this link and the first time I recognised it for what it is.

I'm trying very hard not to be defensive or reactive to the email I had from
her which details the transgression from her perspective but not my reply to the allegations, she has also sent this to her line manager and the "boss" without waiting for any comments from me in reply, but and for me it's a big but she has documented our discussion about my mental health and treatment, something she assured me would be confidential between her, me and HR, now 2 other people know and I'm not happy about it.

I am unrealistically flat but that's because I'm suicidal, I know if I get sacked then that's it, it's over I'll never come back from this. I can't believe how settled that makes me feel, it's the calmest I've been for ages.

If I don't get sacked then I'm going to have to find a way to recognise this self destructive behaviour and stop it before it becomes an issue again.

Any recommendations for ways to identify this type of thinking and do you think it would be a good idea to talk to my MH nurse now or wait till my next appointment on the 1st.
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Hi Poppy

I am really sorry to hear what has happened. I can be very self destructive and sabotage myself. I don't think there is an obvious answer, but being aware of it is a big step, because now you understand what is happening you can be more aware of consequences of actions and learn to be more cautious.

I think you could talk to your MH nurse if she could give you some support.

It is very upsetting that your line manager has shared info about your MH problems. Do you think this information might make the bosses more sympathetic?

I hope things turn out better than you expect. Do feel for you.

Sarah
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Don't you just hate life,
I screwed up last week, and today had an interview for a permanent post in another establishment. I got a call tonight saying I'm the preferred candidate and would like to offer me the post subject to references.........
I can't even enjoy it, as I'm almost certain the offer will be withdrawn following references.
 
M

MarlieeB

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First of all well done for getting the job. It is against the law to give a bad reference. If a situation like them saying they would rather not give a reference you could then explain the situation to them and in future maybe find a friendly reference, maybe a old manager you worked with or a old supervisor?

Good luck x
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Well I had my work meeting with my line manager and the big boss, it went rubbish, apparently it doesn't matter how good a job I have done in the past, or the feedback I get from students or the grades they get, this fuck up is bigger than all that.
As I'm seconded into this post they've decided to inform my permanent post boss and will review my secondment next month despite telling me last month I had another year, something I have had to fight for and give up a lot to take.
I spoke with my MHN today in an emergency appointment, explained everything to him showed him the evidence backing up my side of the allegation and even he couldn't see what the fuss was about but I suppose I have to take it on the chin.
I will get a reference from them for the new job, but I don't know what it will say so I suppose I'll just have to hope it's enough to keep the job.
My MHN was really good and accepted what I said and then talked me down from the proverbial ledge, gave me some really sensible advice and the told me my MH diagnosis which has been rumbling around in the air for a few weeks but which I wasn't ready to hear.
I now have a ERD with CPTSD, for which I will be have ERDBT starting next week.
So it's a waiting game again
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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I don't know how and I have no intention of asking but the permanent post I was the preferred candidate for has just phoned and told me I have the job and my contract will be posted tonight confirming a start date of 7-14 September as I have to give 8 weeks notice. They are happy with Occupational health and they will supporht my fortnightly therapy sessions for the next year. I'm stunned.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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So all of this happened, my GP supported me, my MHN supported me and then I met the psychologist and my life has gone to hell in a basket. The last 4 weeks have been awful, my mental health, optimism and anything sense of self I had have all disappeared.
I got the diagnosis from the psychiatrist, the complex trauma, I could live with that, I read the appropriate books looked at the research and was fairly okay, I knew what was happening and what was coming. She referred me to the clinical psychologist, who sat with me for 1:45 after telling me I only had 45 minutes.. and then dropped you have borderline personality disorder and complex trauma, read the BPD for dummies book and this on complex trauma, do your research and you'll be fine, we'll see you in about a year to start therapy but until then you are on your own, well I would be if I didn't have D my MHN from occy health.

How can they drop a diagnosis like that on you, tell you to read a book and go away. I started reading the BPD book and it tipped me well over the edge, I spent a fortnight talking to Samaritans and trying hard not to do something stupid, then I spent a week crying and now I'm just so confused it hurts.

I'm supposed to be starting a new job soon and I can't control my emotions on a hourly basis, I cry, get angry then disappointed in myself for being stupid. I'm second guessing myself all the time now, I look at things I do and enjoy with suspicion. I want to talk to D but I'm worried that this is dependency and the book tells you that if you have a BPD patient who becomes dependent on you (therapist) then you should break off the toxic relationship as they may become inappropriate, and may destroy your career.
It then tells you that BPD people can't make friends and all the stuff you should do if your friend has BPD, which isn't very nice to read by the way.
Then it says I have a 1/10 chance of dying and a life expectancy of 20-25 years less than non BPD people.
It's really cheerful this book... it even says you manipulate your therapist by taking food and small gifts in and not to confuse this with anything other than manipulation. If you accept these gifts then your patient will think you thing they are more special than anyone else... I sometimes take cookies in with me, D makes me a drink of tea when I get there, it just is, there's nothing sinister about it, sometimes it's a muffin, and that is usually if I need to talk about something really hard, it acts as a natural break when things are tough, I stop and eat, and sometimes I take an extra for him, but it's never been a tool, now I feel really conscious about it.

I'm just so cross/upset/angry/confused find an adjective that fits... and I feel very self conscious about discussing this with D as I don't want him to think it's a problem and then ask me to leave. I'm really concerned this will damage the therapeutic relationship.

crushed
 
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C

Caro5

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Maybe let your therapist deal with what a therapist should do about a client with BPD and you try to deal with how to look after yourself and control whatever needs to be controlled. Nobody can answer all sides or take care of all sides it's a stretch too far. The new job is a GOOD thing, don't jet diagnoses and worries wreck that for you. Good luck and take care of yourself
 
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