Out of nowhere i am going insane :X

G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#1
Friends i am having a horrible disorder that struck me in the last few months.I can't say what it is and i haven't spoken with anyone about it. First i want to point out that i had some episodes of delusions when i was a kid (12-13 years old) but they went away. I am a bit paranoid all the time but nothing serious. I am 25 years old male. Here is what happened- somewhere in December i had to give blood samples (just regular health check, the most common measures). My personal doctor came at home and drew blood but she accidently dropped the blood storing tube after she finished. It fell under the bed but she quickly found it and went to the labolatory to give it for results. Everything sounds okey but all of a sudden few days later i started to think what if she found someone else's blood under the bed?
Now this is completely crazy and i understand it very well, but this scenarios that my brain creates occupy most of my time. Apart from that those test meant nothing just regular health check and are not of any imporance. So my fears went away after week or so. But new, it came back on me again. it's even stronger now. What if those test were some government conspiracy and someone on purpose came home the privious day and put the other tube with someone else's blood under the bad, somehow knowing that my doctor will drop and mistakenly take the wrong blood tube. What if the blood in this second tube was of some murderer or anything like that? And since the doctor mistakenly brought the wrong blood samples now they think i am this guy?

I know this is completely insane and that's why i fear telling it to anyone at all. This is complete madness and makes no sence, but my brain keeps creating horrible scenarions and i cant even sleep anymore. Its even worse than the delusions i had when i was a kid, although i hardly remember what were they for at all. It's consuming me and i really need help. I want to point out that there were a people with mental disorders in my family, but they are distant relatives. Please share if someone expirianced something like this? :(
 
G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#2
I even have this scenario where my doctor was actually agent from some organization, observed by hidden cameras, but she was stupid enough to drop the storing tube and now she took someone else's blood (not on purpose, just human mistake) and now the whole agency will accidentally mistake me for someone else. Of course there is no logic how this else's blood will suddenly appear under the bad, how the person, who wanted to set me up, managed to enter my home, knew where exactly to place his blood and how he knew that the doctor will accidentally drop the tube, and somehow managed to fool all the cameras and the doctor(or agent) herself. And somehow the next day the person that planted his tube under the bed secretly came in my apartment and took the real one- the one that the doctor first dropped, so now no one will find any evidence..

Now this is super crazy and simply by reading this i realize i need help :(
 
Last edited:
C

Coast2

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2016
Messages
1,235
Location
UK
#3
I'm glad you know you need help. The first step is to show the posts you've made to your Doctor who will be able to diagnose your illness.

It sounds like you've been poorly for a while, which is often the case with psychosis.

I had acute and terrifying delusions for four years before being sectioned and then diagnosed with Paranoid schizophrenia. The antipsychotic medication has completely stopped the delusions and paranoia, but I seem to be experiencing post schizophrenic depression which can come on after a pyschotic episode.

Delusions don't necessarily mean you have schizophrenia, it could be psychosis with depression, or bipolar disorder. The main thing is to get diagnosed so that treatment can be started.

I hope you get better very soon.
 
G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#4
Thanks for the reply Coast2 :)

I am really scared about taking medicines. I've read a lot about paranoid schizophrenia and all kinds of delusions in the last couple of months. From what i read i do have some of the symptoms. I don't understand why my brain does realize the craziness in this thoughts, but my mind keeps pushing in. Its worst at night because i fall asleep and i wake up and hour later in horrible stress, at first i even cant remember what i am afraid from. Than i wake up, turn the tv or my laptop and calm down than get back to sleep again, only to wake up in the morning with the same fear. Currently i am living alone and this isolation may play a part. I also find it difficult to talk with people about that because i feel like their brain wont think the way i do.

For example, the probability of someone else's blood samples to be resting under my bed and me to be part of some extreme conspiracy is so little that if someone tells me this i will consider him crazy at the second. But why does my mind keeps on that theory. It seems that just like the articles says, person with paranoid schizophrenia loses touch with reality, or this 0.0000000001% chance of something like this to have happened becomes 100% in the mind of the one who suffers. Or atleast this is how i understand it.
I will consider talking with a doctor, i really fear that this can get worse overtime.
 
G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#5
It's mainly fear that i will be accused (by accident or by conspiracy) of something i never did.
 
C

Coast2

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2016
Messages
1,235
Location
UK
#6
Don't be too hard on yourself GMM,

Paranoia is a horrible illness, but the sooner you talk with your Dr the sooner you can begin treatment. I refused to believe my delusions were delusions, the more people tried to tell me it was in my head the more psychotic I became, and they too became part of a big conspiracy against me.

I thought my house was being broken into and people had installed cameras in my house, people were following me everywhere I went, that my phoned had been bugged and people were hacking into my computer. I also live alone and I think this exarcabated the pyschosis.

I only got help after two members of my family and a good friend of mine contacted my GP to inform him What was going on.

Unlike you I had no insight however. I refused to believe I was ill. I'm just glad my friend and family intervened. I fear I might have attempted suicidebi was so desperate and terrified.

Try to talk to your Doctor.

My best wishes xx
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 5, 2011
Messages
2,525
Location
surrey
#7
Sounds to me more like pure ocd. I see you've posted in the personality disorder forum. Do you think you might have a pd? Maybe traits of a pd, maybe paranoid pd?
This is why you may be developing a kind of paranoid inspired pure ocd.
Look into pure ocd and see if it resonates with you.
 
G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#8
Thanks for your help again Coast2, you seem to understand what i am on to. I haven't though about commiting suicide at this point, actually this would be stupid because i never did something wrong. And doing it will make people beilive that i was running from something. In the point of crisis i was thinking to contact the local tv or post a vidio on youtube explaining how i believe i was in center of horrible conspiracy, but doing that will be the end of my carrer. I work with people of importance and such thing would terminate my future connections, not to mention everyone will realize how crazy i am.

So talking to my doctor is what i will do for now, i only fear if medication acctually worsnes the situation. Because i said, i only have epsiodes that seem to go away on their own. I've heard that sometimes such medicines can heavily backfire. You said you suffered from post episodic depression? How was it? Because the irony is i've never felt depressed in my life, in fact i am happy with what i have (except for the moments when paranoia is destroying me with delusion).
I in fact can live with that delusions, it's hard but i can like place them in the backyard for now. I only worry if they evolve..

Thanks again for the help friend :)
 
G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#9
Angry buttefly, i was unaware of what ocd is but i now checked on wikipedia. It acctually does have something to do. I for exaple wash my hands a lot and keep checking doors and all that. I do like everything to be in order. And since i have no control of what that doctor did (like she dropped the blood contain tube and found it) this makes me very worries because what if because of her mistake i get accused of something i never did. But still there is also the paranoid schizophrenia thing here. Because i do believe (at least when i am on episode) that there were cameras or something like that watching but somehow they failed to notice her doing that mistake, and somehow ignore at and test the blood DNA (which was not mine at the first place), and like accusing me of being someone who i am not. At least that what my worst scenarios are.
 
G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#10
Angry buttefly i keep reading about OCD and it sounds really familiar with my problem? I don also feel the need to do something to fix the things and it takes a lot of time, although i realize that its crazy..
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 5, 2011
Messages
2,525
Location
surrey
#11
I think atm you are dealing with mainly pure ocd but are worried about it becoming delusional, as you have had delusions in the past. This is a bit out of my knowledge as i have never been delusional.
It may be best to go and see your gp. Medication of some sort may help or maybe a referal to mh services.
 
C

Coast2

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2016
Messages
1,235
Location
UK
#12
Hi GMM,

You asked about post schizophrenic depression. I haven't been diagnosed with it. I am functioning reasonably well and have returned to work now although its only on a part time basis. I just feel very depressed, very tired and self care is a real effort.

I think much of the problem is my antipsychotic drug, which arrests the paranoia and psychosis, but seems to inflate the depression. But the depression could also be that i am coming to terms with effectively losing 5 years of my life to pyschosis.

I'll get better though. My psychiatrist has recently doubled my antidepressant medication and I've just started to run again following a foot injury.

I really hope you can get to your Dr and have a good chat with them so they can get you on the road to recovery.

Best wishes xx
 
G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#13
Yes, talking to my doc will happen the way i see it. At least for some consultation. I never knew anything about psychology and some terminology is unfamiliar to me. But what i read about this disorders have a lot in common with me. Maybe i have some mix.
The delusions come from unrational fear that someone (or some organisation), will do something really bad to me (although i myself dont know what, but it seems it will be worse than killing), because they somehow mistakenly took me from someone else.
In the current situation the fear came because my doctor dropped my blood samples (the tube) under the bed and somehow my brain started to believe this wasn't my blood and she accidentally took someone else's who purposely left another blood tube there to be mistakenly found by the doctor. How would that be possible my brain can't realize, and now searches a ways to fix this. Also, those blood test have nothing to do with dna testing, but my brain decides to beliave it was some secret test that the government forced the doctor to do, but since she made a mistake and the government now will accuse me for being someone else (who was murderer, terrorist or even alien). The rational thinking tells me that even if such mistake did happened, the police (government) will still lead investigation, will do further test and question me, but my delusions insist that some evil dictator take those mistakes test for 100% proof and will lead no futher investigation and will directly proceed to execute their punishmed. And now i start to build anger against the doctor because my delusions keep telling me that it's her fault that i will be accused for what i never did. And now my brain search ways to fix this situation, the only thing that comes to my mind is more people to hear my story and so this secret organization that did the tests (in my delusions) will agree to do another test only to find out the first testing was wrong.
Maybe the same paranoia makes me keep repeating my story here, but i want to show you what exactly goes inside my head. But i also live in Bulgaria, and here having mental problems is a bad thing, some people still are low educated about mental dissorders and except anything for pure madness- which ruins friendships and careers. And explaining this to friends will only make them laugh, so i search help from people like you who do understand how i feel..
 
G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#14
Coast2 i too wish you full recovery :) Depression is unfamiliar with me. I never felt depressed even if i am going to die i still wont get depressed because this is life- we are born, live the way we can and go, hopefully to get new life somewhere. Again, i am happy with my life and i really wish depression leaves you for good. Paranoia and constant fear is what destroys me, i am afraid to feel happy because i know there is always evil out there waiting.
 
C

Coast2

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2016
Messages
1,235
Location
UK
#15
I'm sorry there is so much stigma in Bulgaria concerning mental illness GMM. There is still stigma in the UK, particularly about schizophrenia but only among people who don't know about the illness.

I'm glad that you've found an outlet where you can talk about what is going on in your head. The forum helped me to come to terms with my illness and I found it reassuring to converse with people who have shared similar experiences.

I really hope you're feeling better soon.

Very best wishes

Coast x
 
G

goingmadmad

Member
Joined
Feb 13, 2017
Messages
10
#16
Well it's improving (the situation in Bulgaria), the younger population is more open to this things which is great, the old society (that grew under socialism) are bit more closed- not all ofcurse-, and finding work if you have condition like this will be trouble.

I will talk with my doctor, although today for example i don't think about this conpiracy at all. I started to think if it's somehow connected to hormone leves. I am saying this because when i was 20 i used some anabolic suppliments that made my leves really unstable. When i stopped them i had my testosterone dropped to extreme levels and i somehow suffered depression then- it was not paranoia just lack of willing to do anything. Ever since my levels are shifting, and always feel when they drop down. (if you are male you would know what i am talking about) I somehow am getting the conclusion that whenever my testosterone drops (feeling tired, lack of all interest), the conspiracy thoughs start to getting solid ground. I am not sure about this theory though. But i am sure in one thing- no metter how i feel, even when i don't think about it, even if i take medicamentation- until i have 100% prove that there was or was not mistake with the blood test i will always think about it more all less. And not only about it, probably about everything that happens in my life in future.
It seems i have this need to have control over everything, and in situations like this when things get out of hand it is probably some brain reaction.

I also have this idea that such mental disorders struck the most inteligent people (i am not saying this because it happened to me). It seems our brains search answers that normal people can not give and we create all types of scenarios to try to explain to ourselves what can happen or how.
I've always wonder (in the past) what's in the mind of person with schizophrenia for example, now i kinda think its something like what i am expiriancing right now, probably in different extent though.
I always search for logic even when it's on the edge of almost impossible. All i need to do is let it go and live without thinking about it, because in anything you do in live something like that can happen. We think that conspiracies and stuff are mostly in the heads of people but sometimes they do happen. So all we can is keep on with our lives because they are short anyway.
But talking to a doctor will take place next week. I don't want this mental think to go out of control :(

Coast, i am interesting in your story. You said you did not realized you have anything going on with you. If this thing makes you uncomfortable dont talk about it, but if it dont can you tell me about your consipiration feelings. Because i too always feared that someone may spy on my phone and pc, ever since i remember myself. Although i always told to myself even it is, you do i care..
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
O Personality Disorders Forum 1

Similar threads