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Out of control and hating myself

M

moodycow

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2008
Messages
2
Hello,

I don't really know where I am supposed to put this post. I don't even know that my problems are particularly serious. I haven't had anything particularly traumatic happen to me, but I really feel all the time that I am a horrible person. I mostly feel like this because I have terrible mood swings. When I am feeling nice then I guess I am a nice person, but if something tiny happens to upset me I get out of control and I shout and cry and recently I think I have been becoming a bit too physical with my partner. He is the nicest person I know and he always forgives me, but I can't forgive myself because I know I am really horrible and even when I am being horrible I know I am being horrible but I can't stop it.

I guess I need to explain more. I get incredibly jealous over the tiniest things and I harass and push him and say things like 'but you think I am disgusting, don't you?' and 'you fancy her more than me so why don't you leave me' and all these things which he never says or feels. Obviously this really upsets him. He hasn't done anything wrong but because i get so jealous and frightened I shout and scream at him and wrestle with him until it all gets out of hand, and I guess i reach a limit and then i just burst into tears and admit defeat. Then it happens again and again the same.

I also get quite paranoid in public. I hate anyone looking at me. I guess I must think I am a fairly attractive female because it seems to be men looking at me a great deal and I hate it and I get angry. I don't want them to look at me or desire me in any way.

Nearly two years ago, my last relationship ended very suddenly when my boyfriend of 3 years called me up one sunday morning saying he had had sex with another girl and he wanted to split up with me. Until this point we had had no major problems and quite literally never argued. Previous relationships have included a mentally abusive one who ended up seeing a another woman just before we split up, and a failed fling with a man who went back to his ex-girlfriend instead of staying with me.

I have a history of depression and anxiety and have been on medication before. I don't feel like I am depressed because I feel quite happy a lot of the time. I don't feel anxious most of the time either. I just feel and behave so terribly when something upsets me (and it can be very small things too, like something being moved, or a date being cancelled, or something just not working) in a way that I personally find disgusting. You know those horrible bitch girlfriends you see on the TV? Well, that's me and I don't know how I can stop it. My partner keeps saying I need more confidence but I don't know where to get it. I know that if I carry on behaving like this he will suffer and I don't want that.

I'm sorry if this it all totally irrelevant to mental health. I understand that many people have severe problems and I probably sound like a stroppy child or a big crybaby, but I honestly feel like I am going mad sometimes. When I am shouting, and as I am shouting I am thinking 'what on earth are you saying?' or 'you need to stop' but then I can't. Two hours later and I am so ashamed. My partner has compared me to Jekyll and Hyde a few times and I agree with him and it is quite frightening. Every time it happens I feel like I've let him down and that I am one step closer to being alone again.
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
Hi Moody cow welcome to the forum hope you find it useful.
I'm not sure if you are asking for advice but a visit to your GP could be a starting point.
KP
 
T

Twylight

Guest
Hi Moodycow and welcome.
A few of my friends have similar stories - they take mood stabilisers.
 
Libra1

Libra1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2008
Messages
515
Location
West Midlands
Hi Moodycow and :welcome: to MHF we are here 24/7 :) this forum is friendly and supportive :hug:

Have you tried keeping a mood diary for a few weeks whilst you are in a relationship, to see if any one thing triggers your moods/jealousy?
 
M

moodycow

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2008
Messages
2
Cured?!!

hi thanks for your messages!

Well, I came off the contraceptive pill about 20 days ago and since then I have had a 100% personality change back to the old me, and I don't get angry at stupid things anymore. :clap:

I wish there was more medical research into the side effects of contraceptive pills as in my personal experience, if I go to a doctor to complain of mood side effects or depression caused by the pill they tend to laugh it off in a very patronising manner, claiming that such an idea is nonsense.

I would recommend any women who are on the contraceptive pill (mine was Yasmin, incidentally) to experiment with coming off it for a while. Pumping your body full of synthetic hormones is obviously going to affect your mood, and I don't see why that seems so ridiculous to people in the medical profession.
 
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