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coldwater00

coldwater00

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Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
3,372
Location
Yorkshire
I need some help. I haven't posted here before and never been on this part of the forum. I'm currently going insane because of a guy I am dating. I'm going insane because I can't understand if I am being led to feel paranoid and am justified in my paranoia, or if I'm being irrational and losing the plot. I just need reassurance right now.

We've been dating about 2-3 months (?) so really not long at all. We chat frequently on Skype, text daily, and I've spent 3 weekends at his flat.

I'll lay what has been happening out.

1) When we first started chatting he was pretty intense, seemed really into me, really attentive and cute (I guess this is normal) - then a few days before we met 2 weird things happened. One was that he went out at 10 o clock at night with another girl for a few hours. He met this girl on a dating website, she is 27, he is 21. That seemed odd. He then texted me to tell me she was "just a friend" and he didn't like her in that way. It made me paranoid but I let it go. Then the next day he had "a flatmate" over to his house "for coffee" in the late evening. He didn't text me for about 3 hours whilst he was with her and I'm now convinced he slept with her. I later found out there is only one other girl in his block of flats and "he doesn't know her". About a week later he went to "a friends house" to "play videogames". I then find out he has no friends in the area.

He gets angry at me when I bring this up as he seems to think I am denying him friends. He says he has no friends and no life and then goes into a depressive/morose/stare at the floor phase.

2) He read me an explicit poem over Skype that he had written about his ex-girlfriend without considering that it was inappropriate and hurtful to do so.

3) He is now texting a girl who he used to work with that he has supposedly slept with and supposedly is attracted to him. When I asked him "is that the girl that fancies you" he said "she doesn't fancy me", I asked him how did he know that, he said "because she told me".. Well why would he need to know that anyway if he is interested in me.

I feel like shit over all this and I know I should just ditch him but I'm so afraid of being alone or finding out he has just gone off with someone far better than me at a later date.
 
katya

katya

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Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Hello and :welcome:

I can totally get why you'd be paranoid about these events.

Have you had a conversation with him about where you stand, i.e., whether or not you're exclusive at the moment, and what the "deal" is if you're not - "don't ask; don't tell"? Maybe that's what you should do - so you're both on the same page?

Don't put up with this kind of treatment just because you're scared of being alone; it sounds as though this is making you unhappy at the moment, and you don't deserve that.

Wish you all the best.
 
coldwater00

coldwater00

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
3,372
Location
Yorkshire
Hello and :welcome:

I can totally get why you'd be paranoid about these events.

Have you had a conversation with him about where you stand, i.e., whether or not you're exclusive at the moment, and what the "deal" is if you're not - "don't ask; don't tell"? Maybe that's what you should do - so you're both on the same page?

Don't put up with this kind of treatment just because you're scared of being alone; it sounds as though this is making you unhappy at the moment, and you don't deserve that.

Wish you all the best.
Thanks for your reply. At the beginning, he was really evasive about what he wanted from me. Then he was on and off. I've asked him straight if he can be trusted and he said he can, yet he doesn't give me any reason to trust him. I think he enjoys being thought of as a guy who can get the girls, which I don't believe he actually is.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
Thanks for your reply. At the beginning, he was really evasive about what he wanted from me. Then he was on and off. I've asked him straight if he can be trusted and he said he can, yet he doesn't give me any reason to trust him. I think he enjoys being thought of as a guy who can get the girls, which I don't believe he actually is.
I'm just thinking that, if there's no agreement between the two of you that you're going to be exclusive, then anything's fair game - and he can legitimately say that you can "trust him," but that doesn't mean what you want it to mean right now?
 
D

Deliah

Guest
Hello Coldwater, I understand that you are fearful of being alone, but maybe it is exactly what you need for now. I would say alone and learning to be content with yourself is more important, at least for me than being with someone whilst not feeling secure enough in myself to survive it. Maybe you can take a step back from this one. There will be other opportunities. love D xxx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
Coldwater, i'm really sorry if this is painful to hear but I think it's quite likely that things won't turn out well and you could end up kicking yourself for not acting on your own feelings.

Obviously I don't know him but from what you've said, it sounds like he's a bit immature and isn't on the same wavelength as you when it comes to what you're looking for in a relationship.

Interestingly, the guy I had a lot of problems with would also talk a lot about his ex partner (who he hadn't seen in 15 years) including telling me about their sex life.
Looking back, I really think he was seeing how far he could push me and how much he could control me.
I think my lack of boundaries and i'll be honest - desperation for companionship - made it easy for him to treat me worse and worse.

I don't know, i'd just hate for this to turn out to hurt you and would advise getting out of the relationship sooner rather than later.
But this is just my opinion and it is based very much on my own experiences, after all.

Perhaps think about what you might say if someone you loved was in this situation with someone - what would you advise them?
It's easy to undervalue your own self-worth but if you imagine it from the point of view of it happening to someone you love, I think it's easier to appreciate what might be going on. x
 
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